50 Things To Do If You're Really Bored

1. Get your friends stoned/drunk/etc. Start saying things to them like, "Can a boulder eat the English Parliament?" and take note of their reaction.

2. Bring a dictionary to a restaurant. Begin reading out the definitions of highly infectious diseases, preferably ones that can be caught from eating food. Laugh occasionally.

3. Stand on a street corner holding a sign that says, "Will not work for food." Laugh and point at people as they drive by.

4. Put on a suit. Put a nametag in the pocket. Go to McDonald’s/ Taco Bell/etc. Occasionally tap a customer on the shoulder and say, "I’m sorry, you’ll have to leave. We don’t serve your kind here."

5. Run around the mall with a broom between your legs, humming the music of "The Wicked Witch" from the Wizard of Oz.

6. Fill your backpack with empty beer cans and go to the mall. Act incredibly drunk. If security comes after you, cry for your mother.

7. Walk into a prestigious law firm, wearing jeans and a T-shirt. Walk up to the secretary and say, "Hi, I’m so-and-so. I’m your new boss."

8. Walk into a Taco Bell and say, "Hey! What’s all this taco crap doing here?!? What happened to all the burgers and fries?!?"

9. Pretend you’re blind. Sit at a bus stop playing with a Rubix Cube.

10. Stick a banana in your ear. If people ask why there’s a banana in your ear, say, "I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. There’s a cucumb— what the hell?!? Where’s my cucumber?!?"

11. Bring a toy helicopter to the mall. Run around with it, humming the theme from "Airwolf". Occasionally stage near-misses with other patrons to the mall.

12. Go to a restaurant and order a bowl of croutons. If they refuse, start to cry. If they still refuse, storm out of the restuarant, screaming about the horrible service. If they do bring you a bowl of croutons, scream, "What the hell is this crap?!?"

13. Try to get arrested. Ask if you’re going to be on "Cops". When they say no, say, "You mean, I did that all for nothing?" Threaten to sue.

14. Go to the mall. Start asking people if they have a spare family, because you "lost yours in a sandstorm." Ask if you could borrow THEIR family.

15. Drive around until you see a hitchhiker. Pull up next to him/her. Ask him/her, "Is your name jell-O?" When they say no, say, "Too bad, ‘cause there’s always room for jell-o!"

16. Call a random number. Tell them that you want to make a prank call, but you don’t have any good ideas. Ask them for suggestions. If you get any, call them a minute later and try out some of those suggestions, except screw them up. If they don’t give any suggestions, say, "Oh, sure, you just want to keep all the good ideas to yourself!" and hang up.

17. Get some headphones with no player, and leave the hook-up dangling clearly down in front of you. Start head-banging and "singing along".

18. Go into an elevator, and start dancing to the muzak. Also works in grocery/department stores.

19. Get a yo-yo. Go to the mall and let it drag on the ground behind you as you walk. Tell people that you’re just "walking the dog."

20. Walk around in a restaurant, occasionally pointing to other peoples’ food and saying, "Are you gonna eat that?"

21. Go to the mall. Start following someone around. Be as obvious as possible. If they leave the mall, pull up your shirt collar and whisper into it.

22. Go to the mall. Pick a random person and say, "Do you know who I am?!?" When they say no, say, "Well, I know who YOU are..." and walk away, chuckling.

23. Call a random number. In a demented, gritty voice, say, "Do you like funny movies? Oh, wait.... umm... can I start over?" Panic, and then hang up.

24. Stand on top of a manhole cover in the middle of the street. If anyone asks you what you’re doing, say, "I have to stand here... otherwise, IT will escape!!" Stumble a little as if the cover shook.

25. Walk around with a cape on. Whenever someone comes too close, wave them away. Say things like "I have not given you leave to address me," or "Do you think that I associate with your ilk?"

26. Stage a riot around a gumball machine.

27. Walk door-to-door, saying you’re from the Soul Collection Agency, and ask if anybody in the house has a soul. If the answer is yes, demand to have the soul.

28. Go to a church with red makeup on your whole body, little horns on your head, and a pitchfork. Tell people there that you’re the new preacher.

29. Wander around, wringing your hands, saying "...At night, the Ice Weasels come..." or the like.

30. Get a trenchcoat. Stuff several rolls of Charmin under it. Ask random people, "Is Mr. Wipple around?" If they say yes, grab their arm and say, "Follow me!" If they say no, hand them a roll and say, "Squeeze with me! Quick!"

31. Set up a table in front of a supermarket. Whenever someone comes out, ask, "How many cockroaches did you see in there?" If they reply "None", say, "Oh, so they’re hiding them better now, huh?" Scribble in a notebook.

32. Put on a jumpsuit and carry around a pilot’s helmet. If someone asks why you’re dressed like that, say, "Because... I’m the last starfighter!!!"

33. Hold drawn-out discussions with the drinking fountain.

34. Think of all the people that you’d like to see in a clown outfit.

35. Go around to all the newspaper machines. Put a single quarter in, and take out all the newspapers. Leave them lying on top of the machine. Put a little sign on top that says, "Newspapers, $1".

36. Carry around a sign that says "Crack for Sale". If you’re stopped by the authorities, say, "Dammit! He told me this said ‘Eat at Joe’s’!"

37. Go to an internet chat room. Type in "If you’re happy and you know it, press 9." Start pressing 9 repeatedly.

38. Attach a piece of paper with little holes in it to your pants, so that it dangles down in front of your crotch. When people ask what it is, say, "It’s braille."

39. Make a big sign that says "It’s my birthday and I have no money". Walk around in the mall with it, and see what happens.

40. Chug seventeen sodas. Don’t burp. Explode.

41. Try to create life using only lighter fluid and jelly beans.

42. See how many cheese-puffs you can shove up your nose.

43. See how many cheese-puffs you can shove up other peoples’ noses. Without permission.

44. Start a religious cult. Have all your followers commit suicide. Laugh at them when they do.

45. Go to the mall parking lot. Take all the little antenna balls on all the cars, and put them all on the most expensive car in the lot.

46. Get a stapler. Hold people up with it. Tell them that you have "an itchy staple finger".

47. Carve a life-size replica of the US capital building out of butter.

48. Bring a camcorder to the mall. Jump in front of random people and scream, "Smile!! You’re on candid camera!!!"

49. Go scuba diving in the ponds on golf courses.

50. Buy a gallon of ice cream. Smear it all over your face, your hands, your clothes. Go back to the store and complain about "Ice Cream Bombs".

Remove thyself from this place, and re-deposit thy smelly carcass back at the Archive.

Go, I say, go!

Copyright 2000 JMSPOOFE. All rights reserved.