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Next 100 Things I'd Do If I Were An Evil Overlord

1. No matter how fun it is going through the plan step by step, I will never create a complicated means of death for anyone.

2. Any plan that must occur at an exact instant (i.e. during an eclipse, while the planets are aligned, etc.) will be discarded.

3. I will not have a harem. Slave girls always prove to be a liability.

4. All supplies will be shipped in crates measuring 2 cubic feet.

5. I will never leave the room just as the hero is about to die due to "pressing business". If it becomes absolutely imperative to do so, I will simply pull out my AK-47.

6. Even though some of them may be wimpy bureaucrats, all the staff members in my palace, fortress, hideout, etc. will be trained in combat... not just the guards.

7. My guards’ armor will actually protect them from harm.

8. I will always have a backup plan.

9. My backup plan will in no way be dependent on my original plan.

10. I will actually prepare for every contingency, not just SAY I have.

11. I will not wear an old, grey cloak. I will wear practical clothing suitable for my office and practical for everyday wear, yet also protective at the same time.

12. On a similar thread, I will not wear a cape. The hero always grabs it and pulls me to my death, or it gets caught on something and either proves distracting or fatal.

13. I will not expect my advisors to be infallible. If something happens that they could not have predicted a possible series of events (or something like that), I will not fly into a fit of rage and start killing them. Because, like good messengers, good advisors are hard to come by.

14. The main fusion reactor that powers my fortress will not be placed under it, where it can conveniently melt down and destroy my Legions of Terror (not to mention me). Instead, it will be placed thirty miles away, and if the power lines are destroyed, my backup generator will be twenty gazillion AA’s.

15. My elite troopers will actually be elite.

16. My Legions of Terror will have air support.

17. Despite the cool thought of them marching bravely into battle as an invincible phalanx, my Legions of Terror will not be on foot. The will travel in tanks, APC’s, and/or AT-AT’s.

18. The fighters in my air force will not have cockpits designed exactly like the hero’s old crop-dusting biplane (or the like).

19. No matter how fool-proof my plan is, I will never tell my Legions of Terror to "only keep them from escaping."

20. On the same note, I will never have something special waiting for them

21. My top secret plans, superweapons, and/or special prisoners will never be sent to my fortress by slow-moving convoys. In instances like that, I will use the fastest shuttles available.

22. Despite the inconveniences it may cause, my real face will be obscured as much as possible as often as possible. That way, I can go out in public without having to worry about snipers.

23. None of my secret plans will implement anything that can be forged, copied, or duplicated by my enemies.

24. All of my guards will be equipped with gas masks.

25. I won’t have any storerooms set anywhere near my Main Control Room.

26. All of my guards will travel in squads of exactly twelve. That way, if I ever see a squad of 14, I’ll order the last two killed.

27. All raised catwalks will have guard rails.

28. I will provide my closest lieutenants and advisors with acting lessons, just in case it becomes necessary for one of the to deceive the hero at some point.

29. I will never send my best warrior after the hero. I will instead send my best 50 warriors.

30. I will not tell my trusted lieutenant "You handle it" and then go to sleep with the hero has been reported to be in the fortress.

31. Despite the "need" for honor, I will always fight dirty. I’m playing to win.

32. I will never secure a homing beacon aboard someone’s ship and allow them to escape.

33. Truth serum’s will be used FIRST in interrogation. Torture comes second, regardless of whether the serum worked or not.

34. My Legions of Terror will never have "standard issue" anything. They will have the best equipment available.

35. I will never allow prisoners to beg for mercy, despite the sadistic pleasure I will get out of it.

36. I will choose officers based on merit, not on how much they kiss up to me.

37. No matter how much of a thrill it may be (or how accurate it may be), I won’t gloat about being on step ahead of the hero.

38. My trap door won’t be painfully obvious.

39. If the hero says "I’m on to your little scheme" or something similar, I will alter my plans, regardless of whether he’s lying or not. After all, if he’s telling the truth, he’s probably screwed things up already.

40. I won’t use any weapon that has more than three words in its’ name (i.e. Anti-matter phase disruption spasmodic beam projection unit). Things will be kept simple, like "heavy laser blaster" or "nuclear missile".

41. If it becomes absolutely necessary to give something more than three names, I will name it so as to allow cool acronyms (for example: Nuclear Antimatter Distortion Ballistic Interplanetary Terror Enhancing Rocket: NADBITER).

42. If the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force, I’ll use the Force, thank you very much.

43. My Legions of Terror will be taught to fight without growling or roaring incoherently.

44. Where my secret weapons are concerned, bigger doesn’t necessarily equal better.

45. All of my starfighters will have shields.

46. None of my rituals to gain infinite power will be held in a secluded, unguarded locale.

47. Garbage chutes will not exist. If they become absolutely necessary, I will train my guards to pay attention to the big, gaping hole in the grating right after the heros disappear in a firefight.

48. A good plan need not be discarded just because of an unpredictable factor that would be unlikely to repeat itself. Instead, I will simply fix the flaws in the plan, and try, try again.

49. World domination can come AFTER my forces progress beyond a handful of henchmen and a bunch of killer robots.

50. My throneroom will not be guarded by two ugly guys with spears; it will be guarded by massive battle droids with the heaviest pulse blasters, combat armor, and tactical explosives available.

51. A candle will never, ever, ever be used as the initiating factor of any of my evil plans.

52. I will not insist on trying to create some sort of ultra-strong mega-mutant out of the hero’s best friend.

53. I won’t feed the hero to a monster I only have one of.

54. My throneroom won’t be designed like a set from "Cleopatra".

55. My huge, powerful starships won’t have incredibly obvious and vulnerable command centers (or shield generators).

56. My main council of advisors will not consist of monks or priests.

57. My main HQ will not be on a starship or space station; they’re too vulnerable.

58. The main component to my doomsday device will not be left in the middle of my throneroom. That’s where my trap door is. Instead, it will be kept with the rest of the doomsday device, ready to go if needed.

59. EVERYONE must pass through a rigorous security check, regardless of whether "his majesty is impatient for my services!" and such.

60. Even if it is true, I will never say, "Nothing can stop me now!" Even though it might not make me any more careless, it can affect my advisors’ or lieutenant’s.

61. My main gate will not be composed of wood, nor will it be obvious. It will be a tiny, secret hatch in the base of a cliff.

62. More than one guard will oversee the delivery of fresh supplies.

63. I will never have huge, lavish parties. They’re a waste of resources, and that’s where the hero learns a crucial bit of information before revealing himself, killing a dozen or so guards, and then making a daring escape while I’m left behind fuming and shouting his name.

64. The line "You have failed me once; don’t do so again!" will never pass my lips.

65. All the decorative swords in the palace will have a small device hidden in the handle which, when activated by my remote control, will cause the blade to fall off.

66. All my booby traps will be practical, accurate, and easily resettable.

67. If I am defeated, my cloning chambers will instantly make a copy of me, instead of waiting for ten years later when my empire has fallen into disarray.

68. Despite the need for "companionship", I will never fall in love with anyone.

69. I will never get drunk.

70. My second-in-command will not be a woman who’s only use is proficiency in martial arts.

71. My hideout won’t be a huge, obvious lair that dominates the countryside. It will be a secret area built a mile underground.

72. I will never tell anyone that I am their father.

73. My computer system will have a different voice other than the bland, flat, female voice used in Star Trek.

74. If any of my advisors say, "He can’t get in here," he will be reprimanded and reminded of the front door.

75. I won’t send my trusted lieutenant away from my side merely to deliver a message. That’s what messengers are for.

76. If my trusted lieutenant says to evacuate, I will evacuate, despite it being my moment of triumph.

77. I will never be hell-bent on revenge.

78. I won’t allow moisture farming.

79. My elevators will be designed to make hiding on top of them impossible.

80. My throneroom won’t be on the very top of my palace will large windows that could easily allow someone to fall from one.

81. There will be no ropes in my throneroom that can support more than 150 lbs.

82. The weapons’ room will actually be guarded.

83. When the hero demands to know my plan, I’ll tell him the one I implemented last week.

84. I won’t wear anything skintight. It looks fruity.

85. I won’t keep exotic animals in my throneroom.

86. I will not insist that all of my plans involve demolishing some big national monument, no matter how pretty the explosion will be.

87. Weapons detectors will be at EVERY doorway.

88. My doomsday device will be designed to be more difficult to DE-activate than to activate.

89. My self-destruct mechanisms will have an accurate timer, and will not start to explode in random, isolated pockets, nor will it have a delayed blast to allow the hero a dramatic leap from my battlements to safety.

90. I won’t have union workers. They demand too much money.

91. Shutting down the power will require more than one switch.

92. There will be absolutely NO access from the sewers.

93. I need not be in my main HQ to issue commands. I’ll just keep a cell phone with me at all times.

94. I’ll keep my guards alert by playing subliminal Spice Girl’s music, thus keeping them tense and angry.

95. When the hero shows up with my only weakness, I won’t shout, "Ah! It’s my only weakness!" Instead, I’ll say, "Ha! That’s not my weakness anymore! Hahahahaha!" to distract him.

96. I’ll have my research staff find a way to prevent my weakness to my only weakness.

97. I will never tell the hero, "I’ve been waiting for you." Instead, I will say, "What took you so long? Hurry up!" Hopefully, that should really mess with his head.

98. I won’t accept American Express.

99. I won’t grit my teeth and shout the hero’s name whenever he thwarts my scheme.

100. My computer systems, targeting sensors, combat controls, droid operating systems, etc. will not be centered in a single location, ship, etc.

 

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