|At last... at long last... the
Imperium's collection of weapons has been compiled. All of these have found extreme
usefulness. All of these are widely popular (as far as the Imperium goes,
anyway). All of these are pretty fuckin' funny. Read and enjoy, and
remember... don't mess with the Imperium, 'cuz we have all of these ways to blast you all
the way to Pittsburgh.
A really large cannon, over seven feet in length and weighing over nine hundred pounds. It
fires heavy concussion bursts caused by the detonation of a micro-fusion warhead and
propelled forward in a tightly concentrated beam created from the explosion of a
hydrogen-TNT shell. Each clip contains both the fusion warheads and the shells.
Who uses it: SPOOFE
Eagle: Simple, popular firearm. The primary use for these in the Imperium is
for shooting out street lights, tires, loudspeakers, or similar things that annoy us.
Who uses it: Everyone
Another simple and also popular firearm. The use of these in the Imperium is mostly out of
respect for the old days of Quake. You see, Imperium scientists have discovered that no
matter how powerful a weapon may be, no matter what fancy names a weapon may have, few
things are as soothing and therapeutic as firing off a couple of shotgun shells. Flip,
however, not only uses this weapon for its soothing properties... he can do wonders
with a loaded 12-gauge.
Who uses it: Everyone, but mostly Flip
Bow: This follows the same lines as the shotgun, cept this has more
possibilities for dramatic deployment. What can be cooler than standing on a ridge as a
dozen bad guys are shooting at you, and slowly pulling an arrow out of your quiver,
pulling it back, and letting that sumbitch fly? And lets not forget the arrow
accessories... serrated tip, explosive tip, boxing-glove tip, the tip formerly known as
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Spooge, Ronnie, Emily
Chicken: Deployed only in emergencies. The dreaded Rubber Chicken has been
known to subdue and destroy any foe under any circumstances, but beware... using the
Rubber Chicken runs the risk of forfeiting your soul.
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Casey, Flip, CornHusker, Spooge, Kia, Danielle, Ronnie, JJ
Flamo & Zippo Lighter: Imperium-brand compressed napalm (Flamo) and a
Zippo... usually kept in the boot holster until deployment is necessary. The flaming
effect can have a range of up to twenty meters, and the blast can be up to six or seven
meters wide (depending on how far the flame is hold from the can). Indoor use is strongly
warned against. Suggested that the user also wear an Imperium-brand asbestos suit.
Who uses it: SPOOFE (noticing something?), Spooge, CornHusker, Casey, Flip, Emily, JJ
Wombat w/ a Rusty Wombat: A wombat (the marsupial) is sent out towards a
target, seeking to wreck havoc on it with a rusty wombat (the garden tool). Often kept in
an Acme Rabid Wombat Containing Case. Caution is advised: If the target escapes before the
wombat-with-a-wombats desire for bloodshed is appeased, it may turn on its
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Casey, Ronnie, Flip, JJ
Gilmours Guitar: This particular weapon is held in reserve for Spooge.
For those of you unlearned in the ways of the Floyd, this particular instrument holds the
power to annihilate kings with a single pluck of a string. However, only a select few have
mastered the art of unleashing such power... only one man (the guitars namesake) has
attained true expertise with it. Spooge, however, is learning... and learning quickly.
Who uses it: Spooge
Guitar: He can never remember if its a stratocaster or a telecaster,
but Casey doesnt really care, since this weapon is reserved for him (nobody else
really wants to use it, anyway). Casey killed a boy with it, once, and since then
its proven effective at smashing into things (walls, motorcycles, varsity
cheerleaders). And although it occasionally bleeds Chuck Berry-red blood, its proven
to be quite useful in a pinch.
Who uses it: Casey
No, its not an African mating call, its a spear. More specifically, a Japanese
spear. Casey enjoys it for its slashing AND stabbing abilities. In stark contrast to
Caseys other weapon of choice (that being the Fender guitar), it brings a certain
amount of elegance to the battlefield. Ronnie likes using it, too... as do several other
Imperium members, at times.
Who uses it: Casey, Ronnie, Jen, Emily, Katharine
(Opportunistically Useful Cannon of Humongously Massive Anguishfully Killing Emission Ray):
This is a weapon strictly reserved for Katharines use. She keep it in her blouse
(its one lucky gun) and takes it out whenever the situation calls for the
blasting-away of something. It has the distinction of being the only hand-held weapon
larger than SPOOFEs Gadzooka. Kat keeps its means of operation a secret (bad her!).
Who uses it: Katharine
Wit: Ronnies weapon of choice (but occasionally employed by others of
the Imperium). While it may not be able to slice through anything, it can cut through a
stabbing retort like it was goats milk. Plus, a certain level of grace is needed to
handle the Rapier, and those not up to snuff will find themselves falling flat on their
face with their cheeks burning crimson with embarrassment.
Who uses it: Ronnie, Katharine, Emily, Casey, SPOOFE, Flip
Standard issue armament for commando missions. Taken right out of Tom Clancys Rainbow
Six. Nothing special about these babies, cept theyre highly accurate,
deadly, and enjoyable to handle. And another big plus... its a larf to say
"MP-10". Say it with me! MP-10, Mp-10....
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Spooge, Eric, Casey, Katharine, Flip, Kia, Emily
Liquid-Ejector: Danielles weapon of choice. They look like water guns,
but theyre not any normal water guns... instead of the few dozen feet of range that
the average water gun has, they can propel a liquid up to several hundred feet, and with
the force of a fire hose. How does it work? Simple: By violating Newtons laws of
motion. Inside is a perpetual motion machine which puts out more energy than is put into
it. And a miniature moisture vaporator is built into the casing which draws moisture out
of the air, so it has a continuous supply of liquid!
Who uses it: Danielle
Chairs: Inspired by their extreme usefulness in professional wrestling, the
folding chair has become standard issue in the Imperium Arsenal. While you probably
wont want to sit in one (they are quite volatile, you see), they can render any
opponent unconscious with a single blow, even if the blow is blocked. However, you had
better make sure that you dont hit a good guy when he makes a triumphant return...
itll hardly even faze him.
Who uses it: Spooge, SPOOFE, Kia, Flip
O Nine: One of the weapons strictly reserved for Kias use.
Its a simple yet ingenious weapon... nine strips of leather with small spikes
attached, and each spike is dosed with a drug that makes the victim Kias sex-slave.
Who uses it: Kia, Katharine
Rifle: Another weapon that Ronnie keeps to herself. During a raid on the
U.S.S. Enterprise (an adventure that has yet to be declassified), Ronnie grabbed one of
these while we were going through Jean-Luc Picards bordello. Since then, shes
grown rather attached to it, and has even augmented it some, inserting a Josta feed that
increases the power of the phaser beam.
Who uses it: Ronnie
Weapon Kit: The assortment of weapons that Emily uses in her Espionage
missions. Shes managed to acquire a Blastech DL-77 blaster and a silver-white
lightsaber from a Star Wars museum, along with an assortment of daggers, poisoned
hairpins, and a number of small firearms that she keeps hidden on her person. Also
included are minor objects like garrote strings, lockpicks, small flashlights, plastic
explosives... all of it wrapped up in a 12"X12"X6" package.
Who uses it: Emily (and anyone who she lets borrow it)
Gauntlets: CornHuskers weapon of choice. Every now and then, he gets
bored with just smashing stuff, so he slips these babies on to triple the destructive
capacity of each individual punch. A tube feeds pure Josta directly into his arms and
Who uses it: Corny, Spooge, SPOOFE, Flip, Kia
Launcher: Instead of just launching boring ol regular grenades,
CornHusker litters the battlefield with Josta Grenades. A fuse device sets off a nuclear
reaction in a small vial of Josta inside each bomb, causing an effect similar to a
hydrogen bomb going off, except it also creates an effect similar to a black hole at the
same time, so the massive amounts of heat and energy are limited to a thirty-foot radius.
Who uses it: Corny, Spooge, SPOOFE, Flip, Kia
Spanish Inquisition: Another weapon of near-infinite power. A small black box
with a big red button marked "Do Not Push". Pushing the big red button marked
"Do Not Push" will summon the Spanish Inquisition in nanoseconds. But be
warned... the Spanish Inquisition can turn on you, so this weapon is to be used only in
the most dire of instances.
Who uses it: Everyone
9-Iron: Its a... well... a bent 9-Iron. What else can I say?
Who uses it: Everyone
heavy Bowling Ball: A regular 16-pound bowling ball with an ultra-dense
plutonium core. Its true weight has never been determined, but Erics
calculations put it in the 30-ton area. Its myriad of uses has only begun to be
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Spooge, Kia, Katharine, Eric, Corny
Cat: Mixing the destructive powers of both a baseball bat and a feline,
SPOOFE tied a cat to a bat and decided to hit people with it. A cat always lands claw-side
down, so it causing much scratching and hissing with the slicing and dicing and the
hurting and bleeding.
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Corny, Spooge
O Money: Its never been determined exactly how much cash has been
stuffed into this thing, but for some strange reason, the monetary powers in the plush
leather case has proven to be an excellent instrument of war. However, its been
determined to be impossible to open the case (but based on the weight, estimates of
its worth have been dubbed at somewhere in the $3 billion range).
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Corny, Spooge, Eric, Flip, Casey, Kia, Ronnie, JJ
Python named Ed: We keep Ed happy by feeding him Josta-marinated mice. The
Josta has caused Ed to mutate slightly, though, and his body can stretch out to nearly
five times its normally twenty-foot length (oh, yeah, it rendered Ed sentient, too).
Ed also makes a good whip, trip-wire, fuse, and noose, among other things.
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Spooge, Corny, Emily, Jen, Katharine, Kia, Danielle
Army Knife: Luckily for the world, the Swiss-Canadian population is very,
very small, lest these horrifying devices become more numerable. Unlike their
straight-Swiss counterparts, the Swiss-Canadian Army knife has a near-infinite supply of
gadgets built into it, like cleavers, nooses, umbrellas, and a little gloved hand holding
Who uses it: Flip, Casey, Emily, Jen, Ronnie, Danielle, JJ
Propaganda: When weapons fail, words take up the slack. Theres nothing
better to throw your enemies into confusion that with a blather of nonsensical prattle
about the rights of crippled black-mexican lesbian war veteran senior-citizen alcoholic
crack-addicts who were abused as children and shot up a school where they had been mocked
for having a huge growth on their forehead.
Who uses it: Katharine, Danielle, Ronnie, Jen
Scotsman Launcher: A cannon that fires shells of Imperium-brand compressed
drunken Scotsman. Upon impact, the shell breaks open, releasing the drunken Scotsman, who
would probably be very, very angry. Make sure you dont fire this in an enclosed
area... the drunken Scotsman would probably go after you, too.
Who uses it: SPOOFE, Spooge, Corny, JJ, Ronnie
A Regal-class starship acquired during the Imperium's adventures. 52 meters
long, three decks high. Top atmosperic speed of 17,000 KPH. Powered by a
Josta/Antijosta reaction core. Standard crew complement: 3 (pilot, copilot, and
janitor). Maximum occupancy: 40 comfortably, 60 in a pinch.
|The Paula Mobile-
Paula LaBrot's modified SUV. Armed with a plasma projection cannon and two
swivel-mounted gatling cannons. Rear storage compartment filled with micro-fusion
core. Holds 5. Comes with cupholders, CD player, AM/FM radio, tape deck, and
automatic acid dispensers.
Caution: Paula is decidedly scary behind the wheels of this thing.
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Copyright © 2000 JMSPOOFE. All rights reserved.