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At last... at long last... the Imperium's collection of weapons has been compiled.  All of these have found extreme usefulness.   All of these are widely popular (as far as the Imperium goes, anyway).  All of these are pretty fuckin' funny.  Read and enjoy, and remember... don't mess with the Imperium, 'cuz we have all of these ways to blast you all the way to Pittsburgh.

 

Gadzooka: A really large cannon, over seven feet in length and weighing over nine hundred pounds. It fires heavy concussion bursts caused by the detonation of a micro-fusion warhead and propelled forward in a tightly concentrated beam created from the explosion of a hydrogen-TNT shell. Each clip contains both the fusion warheads and the shells.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE

 

Desert Eagle: Simple, popular firearm. The primary use for these in the Imperium is for shooting out street lights, tires, loudspeakers, or similar things that annoy us.

Who uses it:  Everyone

 

Shotgun: Another simple and also popular firearm. The use of these in the Imperium is mostly out of respect for the old days of Quake. You see, Imperium scientists have discovered that no matter how powerful a weapon may be, no matter what fancy names a weapon may have, few things are as soothing and therapeutic as firing off a couple of shotgun shells. Flip, however, not only uses this weapon for its’ soothing properties... he can do wonders with a loaded 12-gauge.

Who uses it:  Everyone, but mostly Flip

 

Compound Bow: This follows the same lines as the shotgun, ‘cept this has more possibilities for dramatic deployment. What can be cooler than standing on a ridge as a dozen bad guys are shooting at you, and slowly pulling an arrow out of your quiver, pulling it back, and letting that sumbitch fly? And let’s not forget the arrow accessories... serrated tip, explosive tip, boxing-glove tip, the tip formerly known as Prince...

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Spooge, Ronnie, Emily

 

Rubber Chicken: Deployed only in emergencies. The dreaded Rubber Chicken has been known to subdue and destroy any foe under any circumstances, but beware... using the Rubber Chicken runs the risk of forfeiting your soul.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Casey, Flip, CornHusker, Spooge, Kia, Danielle, Ronnie, JJ

 

Can of Flamo & Zippo Lighter: Imperium-brand compressed napalm (Flamo) and a Zippo... usually kept in the boot holster until deployment is necessary. The flaming effect can have a range of up to twenty meters, and the blast can be up to six or seven meters wide (depending on how far the flame is hold from the can). Indoor use is strongly warned against. Suggested that the user also wear an Imperium-brand asbestos suit.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE (noticing something?), Spooge, CornHusker, Casey, Flip, Emily, JJ

 

Rabid Wombat w/ a Rusty Wombat: A wombat (the marsupial) is sent out towards a target, seeking to wreck havoc on it with a rusty wombat (the garden tool). Often kept in an Acme Rabid Wombat Containing Case. Caution is advised: If the target escapes before the wombat-with-a-wombat’s desire for bloodshed is appeased, it may turn on its’ "owner".

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Casey, Ronnie, Flip, JJ

 

David Gilmour’s Guitar: This particular weapon is held in reserve for Spooge. For those of you unlearned in the ways of the Floyd, this particular instrument holds the power to annihilate kings with a single pluck of a string. However, only a select few have mastered the art of unleashing such power... only one man (the guitar’s namesake) has attained true expertise with it. Spooge, however, is learning... and learning quickly.

Who uses it:  Spooge

 

Fender Guitar: He can never remember if it’s a stratocaster or a telecaster, but Casey doesn’t really care, since this weapon is reserved for him (nobody else really wants to use it, anyway). Casey killed a boy with it, once, and since then it’s proven effective at smashing into things (walls, motorcycles, varsity cheerleaders). And although it occasionally bleeds Chuck Berry-red blood, it’s proven to be quite useful in a pinch.

Who uses it:  Casey

 

Yari: No, it’s not an African mating call, it’s a spear. More specifically, a Japanese spear. Casey enjoys it for its’ slashing AND stabbing abilities. In stark contrast to Casey’s other weapon of choice (that being the Fender guitar), it brings a certain amount of elegance to the battlefield. Ronnie likes using it, too... as do several other Imperium members, at times.

Who uses it:  Casey, Ronnie, Jen, Emily, Katharine

 

Ouch-Maker (Opportunistically Useful Cannon of Humongously Massive Anguishfully Killing Emission Ray): This is a weapon strictly reserved for Katharine’s use. She keep it in her blouse (it’s one lucky gun) and takes it out whenever the situation calls for the blasting-away of something. It has the distinction of being the only hand-held weapon larger than SPOOFE’s Gadzooka. Kat keeps its means of operation a secret (bad her!).

Who uses it:  Katharine

 

Rapier of Wit: Ronnie’s weapon of choice (but occasionally employed by others of the Imperium). While it may not be able to slice through anything, it can cut through a stabbing retort like it was goat’s milk. Plus, a certain level of grace is needed to handle the Rapier, and those not up to snuff will find themselves falling flat on their face with their cheeks burning crimson with embarrassment.

Who uses it:  Ronnie, Katharine, Emily, Casey, SPOOFE, Flip

 

MP-10: Standard issue armament for commando missions. Taken right out of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six. Nothing special about these babies, ‘cept they’re highly accurate, deadly, and enjoyable to handle. And another big plus... it’s a larf to say "MP-10". Say it with me! MP-10, Mp-10....

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Spooge, Eric, Casey, Katharine, Flip, Kia, Emily

 

Imperium-Issue Liquid-Ejector: Danielle’s weapon of choice. They look like water guns, but they’re not any normal water guns... instead of the few dozen feet of range that the average water gun has, they can propel a liquid up to several hundred feet, and with the force of a fire hose. How does it work? Simple: By violating Newton’s laws of motion. Inside is a perpetual motion machine which puts out more energy than is put into it. And a miniature moisture vaporator is built into the casing which draws moisture out of the air, so it has a continuous supply of liquid!

Who uses it:  Danielle

 

Folding Chairs: Inspired by their extreme usefulness in professional wrestling, the folding chair has become standard issue in the Imperium Arsenal. While you probably won’t want to sit in one (they are quite volatile, you see), they can render any opponent unconscious with a single blow, even if the blow is blocked. However, you had better make sure that you don’t hit a good guy when he makes a triumphant return... it’ll hardly even faze him.

Who uses it:  Spooge, SPOOFE, Kia, Flip

 

Cat O’ Nine: One of the weapons strictly reserved for Kia’s use. It’s a simple yet ingenious weapon... nine strips of leather with small spikes attached, and each spike is dosed with a drug that makes the victim Kia’s sex-slave.

Who uses it:  Kia, Katharine

 

Phaser Rifle: Another weapon that Ronnie keeps to herself. During a raid on the U.S.S. Enterprise (an adventure that has yet to be declassified), Ronnie grabbed one of these while we were going through Jean-Luc Picard’s bordello. Since then, she’s grown rather attached to it, and has even augmented it some, inserting a Josta feed that increases the power of the phaser beam.

Who uses it:  Ronnie

 

Em’s Weapon Kit: The assortment of weapons that Emily uses in her Espionage missions. She’s managed to acquire a Blastech DL-77 blaster and a silver-white lightsaber from a Star Wars museum, along with an assortment of daggers, poisoned hairpins, and a number of small firearms that she keeps hidden on her person. Also included are minor objects like garrote strings, lockpicks, small flashlights, plastic explosives... all of it wrapped up in a 12"X12"X6" package.

Who uses it:  Emily (and anyone who she lets borrow it)

 

Josta Gauntlets: CornHusker’s weapon of choice. Every now and then, he gets bored with just smashing stuff, so he slips these babies on to triple the destructive capacity of each individual punch. A tube feeds pure Josta directly into his arms and fists.

Who uses it:  Corny, Spooge, SPOOFE, Flip, Kia

 

Josta Launcher: Instead of just launching boring ol’ regular grenades, CornHusker litters the battlefield with Josta Grenades. A fuse device sets off a nuclear reaction in a small vial of Josta inside each bomb, causing an effect similar to a hydrogen bomb going off, except it also creates an effect similar to a black hole at the same time, so the massive amounts of heat and energy are limited to a thirty-foot radius.

Who uses it:  Corny, Spooge, SPOOFE, Flip, Kia

 

The Spanish Inquisition: Another weapon of near-infinite power. A small black box with a big red button marked "Do Not Push". Pushing the big red button marked "Do Not Push" will summon the Spanish Inquisition in nanoseconds. But be warned... the Spanish Inquisition can turn on you, so this weapon is to be used only in the most dire of instances.

Who uses it:  Everyone

 

Bent 9-Iron: It’s a... well... a bent 9-Iron. What else can I say?

Who uses it:  Everyone

 

Really-really-really heavy Bowling Ball: A regular 16-pound bowling ball with an ultra-dense plutonium core. It’s true weight has never been determined, but Eric’s calculations put it in the 30-ton area. It’s myriad of uses has only begun to be determined.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Spooge, Kia, Katharine, Eric, Corny

 

Baseball Cat: Mixing the destructive powers of both a baseball bat and a feline, SPOOFE tied a cat to a bat and decided to hit people with it. A cat always lands claw-side down, so it causing much scratching and hissing with the slicing and dicing and the hurting and bleeding.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Corny, Spooge

 

Suitcase O’ Money: It’s never been determined exactly how much cash has been stuffed into this thing, but for some strange reason, the monetary powers in the plush leather case has proven to be an excellent instrument of war. However, it’s been determined to be impossible to open the case (but based on the weight, estimates of its’ worth have been dubbed at somewhere in the $3 billion range).

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Corny, Spooge, Eric, Flip, Casey, Kia, Ronnie, JJ

 

A Happy Python named Ed: We keep Ed happy by feeding him Josta-marinated mice. The Josta has caused Ed to mutate slightly, though, and his body can stretch out to nearly five times its’ normally twenty-foot length (oh, yeah, it rendered Ed sentient, too). Ed also makes a good whip, trip-wire, fuse, and noose, among other things.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Spooge, Corny, Emily, Jen, Katharine, Kia, Danielle

 

Swiss-Canadian Army Knife: Luckily for the world, the Swiss-Canadian population is very, very small, lest these horrifying devices become more numerable. Unlike their straight-Swiss counterparts, the Swiss-Canadian Army knife has a near-infinite supply of gadgets built into it, like cleavers, nooses, umbrellas, and a little gloved hand holding a gun.

Who uses it:  Flip, Casey, Emily, Jen, Ronnie, Danielle, JJ

 

Liberal Propaganda: When weapons fail, words take up the slack. There’s nothing better to throw your enemies into confusion that with a blather of nonsensical prattle about the rights of crippled black-mexican lesbian war veteran senior-citizen alcoholic crack-addicts who were abused as children and shot up a school where they had been mocked for having a huge growth on their forehead.

Who uses it:  Katharine, Danielle, Ronnie, Jen

 

Drunken Scotsman Launcher: A cannon that fires shells of Imperium-brand compressed drunken Scotsman. Upon impact, the shell breaks open, releasing the drunken Scotsman, who would probably be very, very angry. Make sure you don’t fire this in an enclosed area... the drunken Scotsman would probably go after you, too.

Who uses it:  SPOOFE, Spooge, Corny, JJ, Ronnie

 

Vehicles

 

shuttle.jpg (17235 bytes) Josta I-  A Regal-class starship acquired during the Imperium's adventures.  52 meters long, three decks high.  Top atmosperic speed of 17,000 KPH.  Powered by a Josta/Antijosta reaction core.  Standard crew complement: 3 (pilot, copilot, and janitor).   Maximum occupancy:  40 comfortably, 60 in a pinch. 

 

The Paula Mobile-   Paula LaBrot's modified SUV.  Armed with a plasma projection cannon and two swivel-mounted gatling cannons.  Rear storage compartment filled with micro-fusion core.  Holds 5.  Comes with cupholders, CD player, AM/FM radio, tape deck, and automatic acid dispensers.

Caution:  Paula is decidedly scary behind the wheels of this thing.

 

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Copyright 2000 JMSPOOFE. All rights reserved.