Everyone is affected by fads. It’s inescapable. You see a new style every month. Clothing becomes obsolete faster than computers do. Your ultra-suave hairstyle that you just paid big bucks for at a major stylist is suddenly considered ugly by the rest of society. Forget "superficial"... you heard it first here, folks, society is "MEGAFICIAL".

All right, all right, so it’s corny... so what, it gets the point across. A lot of people don’t see it. I’ve always held to the tradition that if someone’s vision is clouded over by pride, greed, or plain stupidity, all they need is a good shmack upside the head to wake ‘em up. But what do you do when the whole freakin’ world is caught up in this river of "what’s hot ‘n what’s not?" Well, you focus on one thing at a time, ladies and gentlemen. And I’m going to focus on what I know and love: Computers.

I was reading through a Dell magazine earlier today... there were the usual installments for Dell Dimensions, Inspirons, etc. I enjoyed checking out the computers with 700 MHz processors (and I nearly had an orgasm when I saw that Dell is popularizing the GeForce graphics card). Then I came to a section that I didn’t like: A plug for what Dell calls an "Internet Computer", the Dell WebPC. At first, it caught my eye. It looks different. I thought, "That’s nice, a smaller computer, new type of case, slim LCD monitor... looks like they’re putting better technology on the market."

WRONG! After getting past the initial reaction... HOW IT LOOKED... and actually checked out the system specifications... well, I wasn’t really shocked, but I would have been if this had been the first instance that I had seen. The specs for the WebPC I checked out at the Dell website was about $300 more than a "standard" desktop (you know, the one that looks like a beige box attached to a monitor?) of roughly equal specs. Are people really willing to dish out an additional 300 smackers just ‘cuz something looks snazzy?!? A COMPUTER?!? That’s like paying fifty extra bucks for a hammer that has a translucent pink handle.

A computer is not a conversation piece, people! You don’t put potted flowers around it and place doilies on it and brag about it to Ms. Smith while you two have tea! A computer is a tool, designed for word processing, design, calculation, organization, entertainment (ooh, yeah, entertainment), information transferal, and communication. A major factor in your decision to buy a computer should not be if it matches your drapes!

You wanna know where this all started? The Apple iMac. Yes, yes, yes, Apple... they used to be a great company, but they had to rely on some cheap gimmick to save their asses. Now, I’m not against Apple computers... if I had to do major video editing or graphics work, I’d get myself a Mac. But the iMac was shitty even by Apple’s standards. No CD-ROM drive, no (gasp!) floppy drive, small hard drive, low RAM, no possibility to upgrade the thing... yet it caught on like wildfire. Why? ‘Cuz it was pretty. ‘Cuz it was simple. ‘Cuz it was translucent. ‘Cuz it wasn’t BEIGE (heaven forbid).

That’s right, the iMac caught on because of how the damn thing looked. Now there’s three NEW versions of the iMac (each which comes in "six designer colors"). And Apple’s trend has passed onto it’s PowerMac G4 lines. The G4 is actually a very impressive computer, but it’s dressed up like you should place it on the coffee table, maybe with a fern sitting next to it... ooh, and how about a pink ribbon? And some lace? And maybe we should re-do the upholstery, so that it will match the computer...

The point is, Apple met with success by making pretty computers. Well, what happens when something’s popular? That’s right, everyone else jumps on the bandwagon, and a new fad is born. All the major computer providers- IBM, Hewlett-Packard, Gateway (which has not one, but THREE lines of "all-in-one, easy-to-use" computers available for purchase), Compaq, and now, Dell. What does this mean? What possible significance does it hold that these types of computers are available? Well, to answer that, I have to undergo a bit of nostalgia, and look back at the ‘80s, famous for legwarmers, bad hair styles... and the Golden Age of Computers.

Back in the day, the only people that had a computer were people that KNEW HOW TO USE THEM. Now, this isn’t an attack on any o’ you guys (I love you all, you know that!), but I doubt half of you can tell me what BIOS is. Ten, fifteen, twenty years ago, somebody only got a computer if he was going to use it to its’ full extent. Most people these days have a computer just so they can type stuff up and so they can check their E-mail. What about programs like Excel, Powerpoint... what about programming? Debugging? What about undergoing all those little individual projects that made computers famous? Whatever happened to the stereotype of a pasty-white, pimple-covered, skinny guy with thick glasses and cowlicks typing away like mad at a Commodore 64 in a dark room writing his own code for his own enjoyment? Nowadays, it’s seen as unpopular to NOT have a computer!

I remember once at Chaminade I heard two of the "popular" people talking about the new computers they just got. Where they saying, "I got a Pentium-III 550 with 128 megs of RAM, a 27 gig hard drive, and a 19-inch monitor"? Nah... they were comparing price. And where they got it. And what crappy games that came with it. And whether or not they had any trouble connecting to the internet. I felt rather tempted to ask them about what graphics card they had, or if their computer used the SCSI (pronounced "scuzzy") interface, or if they had a model 449 ICT socket connected to the motherboard’s PPN or if they decided to go with the DKL Fandig Giblockoli super-cooler processing unit (which is all just nonsense). They probably would have stammered, then said, "Uhh... which one is more expensive?"

The problem is, more and more people are getting computers. And, as is common with the human race, the larger the group of people, the dumber the group is. Computer designers have to appeal to the lowest common denominator, and that denominator is constantly dropping. How do they respond to this? Do they try to raise this denominator? Do they try to teach people how to use these computers? Do people make an attempt to learn computers on their own? Nah... people aren’t only stupid, they’re lazy, too.

Recall the scene in "The Simpsons" where Homer is trying to learn how to use a computer. "To start press any key... well, where’s the any key?" It’s hilarious; AND IT’S ACCURATE (Homer also said, "It’s funny ‘cuz it’s true"). People have this ultra-simplistic idea of computers... everyone that has a computer has grown up with microwaves, refrigerators, and TVs, and, as such, are used to machines obeying their every command. So when a computer tells them that they’ve performed an illegal operation (and the program will be shut down), they whack the computer and call it a stupid piece of junk. I think all computers should be equipped with arms and a special speaker, so when a user does something stupid, it whacks HIM and the little speaker calls him a stupid piece of junk. Poetic justice in an otherwise unpoetic world.

Play around with your computer people. Figure out what does what, and WHY it does what. Figure out what RAM and BIOS and SCSI are. Learn what a hard drive is and how it works. Don’t just see a computer as a toy. That’s like looking at a bulldozer as a toy.

Solutions to the problem? Well, first off, there should be an intelligence test for all new computer buyers. Anyone who cannot correctly tell the difference between a sound card and a video card are forbidden to buy a computer. And background checks, like we have for guns. And licenses, like we have for cars. I can envision the scenario... "But, officer, I left my computer license in my other pants..." And those that don’t keep themselves up-to-date on computer technology will have their hands cut off, so they won’t ever have the chance to fuck around on a computer again.

Because a computer is a powerful thing. It should only be in the hands of those that can use them. It shouldn’t be in the hands of Little Timmy, who makes his oh-so-cool webpage at GeoCities about Pokemon, and suddenly thinks he’s a computer expert. It shouldn’t be in the hands of Joe Average, who got a computer ‘cuz the Joneses did. And it sure as hell shouldn’t be in the hands of anyone who has to ask, "Is this the mouse, or is that the mouse?"

Next time you’re down at the Gap (Spam forbid) looking at a funk-o-matic pair of pants or a jacket with a built-in Laz-E-Boy recliner, think of computers. And think of all the times you’ve had to ask, "Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?" Then put that pink plastic tutu back on the rack, and go pick up something that doesn’t make you look like a walking fluorescent crayon.

Toodle-oo, people... and don’t be afraid of those "Idiots Guide to Computers" books. Unless, of course, it’s more popular to be an idiot that it is to NOT. Take care.