Chapter 3...

"He’s getting worse," Danielle said.

Back in the containment room, SPOOFE and Kia were going through some bio-readouts. Most of the graphs were showing a constant decline.

"What’s he doing?" Kia asked.

Danielle glanced into the containment room. "He’s watching "Teletubbies" and drinking Herbal Tea."

Kia shuddered.

SPOOFE interrupted Kia’s misery. "Luckily, I managed to get a new lead on the whereabouts of Chris’s libido." He held up a map of South America. "Colombian drug lords have begun spreading the word of a soon-to-be-shipped ultra-potent form of cocaine. It’s my guess that they’ve taken Chris’s libido and are copying its’ chemical makeup... and mixing it in with the coca leaves."

"Colombia?" Kia asked. "We don’t know anything about Colombia."

"Yes, I know," SPOOFE said. "We’ll be calling in some experts for this one."

Recently installed in the JDHQMCBR, as a supplement for the JDHQMCBRFSBTWLOYFAD, is the JDHQMCBRRCAGTIJSMFTPADL (Josta Drinkers’ Headquarters Main Conference Briefing Room Really Cool Arcade Game That Is Just So Much Fun To Play All Day Long). Attached to the JDHQMCBRRCAGTIJSMFTPADL is the JDHQMCBRRCAGTIJSMFTPADLCH (Josta Drinkers’ Headquarters Main Conference Briefing Room Really Cool Arcade Game That Is Just So Much Fun To Play All Day Long Cup Holder). The JDHQMCBRRCAGTIJSMFTPADLCH holds soda, coffee (yuck!), or other kinds of beverages while people play the JDHQMCBRRCAGTIJSMFTPADL.

But today, people can’t play the JDHQMCBRRCAGTIJSMFTPADL, because they had a meeting in the JDHQMCBR. A meeting that SPOOFE was just bringing to a close.

"...And there we have it, people. Colombian drug czar Desdondo Alberto Ruizo Calipso Bindejo Kalengo Manjo Banjo Nindujo Balloonho Ocho Bollocho has procured Chris Benton’s libido, and is creating a drug that we call ‘Super-Crack’, and we have to go in, shut down his facilities, and get Chris’s libido back. Any questions?"

Flip raised a hand. "Do we have to call this guy ‘Desdondo Alberto Ruizo Calipso Bindejo Kalengo Manjo Banjo Nindujo Balloonho Ocho Bollocho’ all the time?"

"No, he also goes by ‘Zippy’. Any other questions?"

Casey raised a hand. "Who’ll be involved in this team? Only one or two of us will be any good in Colombia’s jungle environment."

"I’m glad you asked," SPOOFE said. "Me and Kia are the only ones here who’ll be on the team, but I’ve called in a group of specialists who’ll be helping us with this. We’ll meet them in Colombia."

"Who’re the specialists?"

SPOOFE paused for dramatic effect. "They are... the BSD Team."

Down in Colombia...

SPOOFE and Kia stepped off the small plane in the Bogota Airport and headed for the terminal. They picked up their small luggage and picked up a small car. From there, they drove into the city and parked in front of a small cantina. Inside, they walked to the back of the restaurant. There, seated together in a small corner booth, was Sam Boxleitner and Mike Paglione, two of the members of the BSD Team.

"I pity th’ foo’," Sam said as soon as they arrived.

"What?" SPOOFE asked.

"Sorry," Sam said. "Just giving the readers some idea of who we’re a parody of."

SPOOFE nodded. "You guys are all set?"

"Yeah," Mike answered. "Hari’s checkin’ up on the van and Greg’s putting all the equipment together. MP-10's, camouflaged bodysuits, grenades, sniper rifles, berretta’s, rocket launchers, shotguns, toenail clippers, Q-tips, plastic explosives, laser sightings, infrared goggles, rubber chickens... that is, we’re pretty well prepared."

"That’s good to hear," SPOOFE said. "Are you aware of our mission?"

Sam nodded. "We’re going after Zippy, right?"

"Do you know why?"

"Yeah... he’s about to start shipping his Super-Crack, and we have to stop him."

"Do you know how he’s making his Super-Crack?"

Sam and Mike looked at each other. "Umm... no," Sam said at last.

SPOOFE took a deep breath. "This is to remain completely confidential, you know."

"Oh, of course," Sam and Mike said together.

"Several days ago," SPOOFE began, "we discovered that Chris Benton had lost his libido..."

Sam and Mike gasped.

"...And we’ve been performing a series of missions, following up every lead, to find it. We believe that Zippy is using the chemical makeup of Chris’s libido to produce his Super-Crack.

"Poor Chris," Sam said.

Kia nodded. "So we have to go get his libido back."

"Right," Sam said. "Well, we’re on the job, and we never fail."

"Except for that one time in France where we got waylaid by a group of naked porn queens," Mike said.

Sam elbowed Mike in the ribs. "That wasn’t a failure," he said. "We all got laid, didn’t we?"

"Oh, yeah," Mike said.

Outside the city of Bogota, the BSD Team had their base of operations set up. Actually, it was just a little shack with enough room to store their equipment and fuel for their van. The van was a big, black, powerful thing, also with enough room to store necessary equipment. Hari was looking under the hood while Greg was checking out the weapons.

SPOOFE, Kia, Sam, and Mike drove up in the smaller car. All four of them piled out.

"We ready to go?" Sam asked.

"Oh, yeah," Hari said. "The van’s all ready to go."

"And I have all our weapons ready," Greg said.

"Good!" Sam said. "Everyone, gear up! We’re moving out in ten minutes!"

Ten minutes later, everyone’s geared up and moving out.

The van plowed through the dense jungle (it was a tough van). Hari, who was driving, seemed to know the route through the foliage to Zippy’s secret base.

Sam was talking. "...then, when I was nine, there was my English teacher, my math teacher, and my history teacher, plus twelve other girls who were in various classes. When I was ten, there was the principal, and the lunch-lady..."

"Shh, Sam," SPOOFE said. "You can tell us about all the people you’ve had sex with later. We’re getting near Zippy’s place."

"How do you know?" Sam asked.

"Just call it a gut feeling," SPOOFE said, "and that twenty-foot-tall billboard that says ‘Welcome to Zippy’s Place’."

"Yeah, I’d say that’s a good indication," Sam said. "Get ready, BSD Team."

The perimeter fence for Zippy’s compound came into view. Hari gunned the engine; the van shot forward with a huge burst of speed. They crashed through the gates before the startled guards could react. The van kept plowing forward; it crashed through the main garage door into the warehouse building.

The van shrieked to a halt, and everyone inside piled out, weapons blasting away at anything that moved. Zippy’s men began falling like flies.

"Quickly!" Sam said. "We have to find Zippy!"

The group ran through the large crates and boxes inside the warehouse. They came to a large machine that had "Acme Super-Crack Maker" printed on the side.

"Mike, take out that Acme Super-Crack Maker!" Sam said.

"Right," Mike said, and he pulled out his rocket launcher and fired a missile at it. Zippy’s Acme Super-Crack Maker went boom.

"Come on, let’s move," Sam said. The six of them moved forward. Sam led the way up some stairs and into the back offices. Several men popped out of the side doors, but they were no match for the expertise of the BSD Team. The men fell with multiple bullet wounds in their heads.

Sam entered another large warehouse, this one emptier than the first. They were crossing the floor when a gunshot rang out. Mike yelped and fell to the ground with blood leaking from his abdomen.

"Mike!" Sam yelled.

"Freeze!" a voice commanded. They all turned to see a large man standing nearby with a gun pointed at them.

Sam glared at him. "Who are you?"

"My name is Jose Detrimoyez. I am Zippy’s personal bodyguard. Now who are you?"

Sam straightened up. "We’re door-to-door insurance agents. Wanna insure your Chihuahua?"

Jose considered this for a second, then said, "No, no... you must all die. Insurance agents are the worst." He pointed his gun at Sam. Another gunshot rang out...

...And Jose fell with a bullet hole in his forehead.

Sam turned towards the source of the gunshot. Mike dropped his pistol and grabbed his gut as he sat up. Sam grabbed his shoulder to steady him.

"You okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, I’m doin’ good," Mike said. "Nothing serious... just a flesh wound, you know how it is..."

Sam ripped a strip of cloth from his shirt (ooh... ripped shirt...) and wrapped it around Mike’s waits. He tied it securely over the wound. "Can you go on?" he asked.

Mike stood up slowly. He pulled his MP-10 up with one hand, but kept the other clutched to his gut. "Yeah, I can manage," Mike said. Sam nodded, and the group continued on.

SPOOFE stayed behind for a second. Kia looked back at him. "What’s up?" she asked.

"I’ve got a hunch," SPOOFE said. He went over to Jose’s body and began searching through the pockets. He pulled out a small piece of paper.

"Aha," SPOOFE said. "It’s a map of the compound. It even tells where Zippy is. Hey, Sam!"

Sam stopped. "Yeah?"

"Zippy’s this way!"

"Oh... well, then let’s go this way!"

The six of them headed in the direction that SPOOFE had gestured. It led to a long hallway, with an office at the end of it. The office had a sign that read, "Zippy’s Office."

"I guess this is Zippy’s Office," Sam said.

"You think?" SPOOFE asked, a little sarcastically.

Sam kicked the door in. The group rushed in, with guns pointed at the figure behind the desk.

"You’re Zippy?" SPOOFE asked.

The frog answered, "You’d know me as Michigan J. Frog. Zippy’s my real name, though."

"Why are you dealing drugs?"

"Do you know how little I get paid for being the spokesfrog for the WB?" Zippy said. "I needed the extra cash to maintain my standard of living! I mean, once you’ve had chocolate covered flies, there’s no going back! And I couldn’t give up the frog hookers..." He began to cry.

SPOOFE stepped forward and put his gun right next to Zippy’s head. "Where’s Chris Benton’s libido?"

Zippy sniffed a little and looked up. "Who? What?"

"Chris Benton’s libido... you were using it to make your Super-Crack."

Zippy reached into his pocket. "This is Chris Benton’s libido?"

SPOOFE grabbed the object. "Shit.... this is just a can of Spam...." He handed the Spam back to Zippy. "Sorry about all that, you know, killing your men off and all, and blowing up your equipment."

"Oh, don’t mention it," Zippy said.

Back at the Bogota airport...

"Sorry things didn’t work out too well," Sam said.

"Yeah, me too," SPOOFE said. He hoisted his bag.

"So, what now?" Sam asked.

SPOOFE glanced around. "I don’t know... I really don’t know. We’ve still got to find Chris’s libido... otherwise, he’ll turn into a Dip.... and that’ll be the end of him."

Sam’s face was grim. "Good luck. If you ever need help..."

"We’ll call you guys," SPOOFE said.

They were in First Class for the plane trip home, so they weren’t crammed between large smelly people... but even so, Kia didn’t like being on the airplane. Her feline senses were redefining the word "paranoia". She squirmed and kept glancing behind her every ten seconds.

"What’s wrong, Kia?" SPOOFE said.

"I don’t know," Kia replied. "I just feel uneasy... like we’re in danger."

"Aw, come on," SPOOFE said. "We’re in a 747. They’ve even got a Sky Marshal up here. Nothing’s going to happen."

Just then, something happened. The whole plane shook violently, throwing several people out of their seats and causing severe pain to those wearing their seat belts. SPOOFE, in the window seat (he got it ‘cuz he’s so cool), glanced out the window and saw an F-18 flash by the jet.

The plane shook again. Somewhere in the back of the plane, the hull broke open, and the air began sucking out of the plane.

"Quickly!" SPOOFE said. "We have to move quickly!" He and Kia unbuckled their seat belts and jumped up. They reached into the overhead storage bin and grabbed a couple of parachutes which just happened to conveniently be placed there for just such an emergency. They strapped the parachutes on and rushed to the back of the plane, where there was a huge gaping hole in the hull.

"Wait!" Kia said. "What about all the passengers on this plane? We have to try to save them!"

"Nah, don’t worry about it!" SPOOFE said. "They’re just extras!"

Kia nodded, and the two of them jumped out of the plane. A few seconds after they did, another missile hit the plane, ignited the stored fuel, and the 747 erupted in a huge, massive fireball.

SPOOFE and Kia continued their freefall for another few seconds, pulling off some really cool aerial maneuvers, then pulled the cords on their ‘chutes. They descended at a nice, leisurely pace, then plowed through some trees. They got up, dazed, and disconnected their parachutes. They took stock of their surroundings.

"Well, it seems like we’re on an island of some sort," SPOOFE said. "I didn’t see any buildings or boats nearby as we came down..."

"Of course you didn’t," Kia said. "You were staring at how the parachute harness rode up my ass so much."

"Oh, yeah..."

"But we’ve got to check out the place, see what we can do."

"Oh, yeah..."

"Snap out of it!"

SPOOFE blinked and looked up. "Huh? Oh, right, sorry. Let’s go."

"Hold it right there!" a voice said.

Both of them turned. "Willy!" they said in unison.

"Hiyas," Willy Monroe said.

"What’re you doing here?" SPOOFE asked.

"This is the Island of Dr. Monroe," Willy said. "Come with me, please."

They followed Willy to a large, opulent mansion with large statues of cheese doodles built around it. Inside, they were allowed to sit in large, inflatable chairs and given big glasses of cool lemonade (as opposed to Spice Girl lemonade, but that’s another story). Willy sat down across from them, chewing on some sausage.

"So you wish to know what I do here," Willy said. "Well, since I’ve got such a troubled mind, I had decided several years ago to dabble in God’s domain. And, to that end, I’ve perfected a process of combining the DNA of Hamsters to that of Melba Toast!!!" Willy jumped up and laughed maniacally for several minutes, then sat down again. He took a bite of his sausage. "So anyway," he said, around mouthfuls of sausage, "that’s what I’m doing here." He swallowed his sausage.

SPOOFE and Kia just stared at him for a few seconds. "Cool," they said together.

"Unfortunately," Willy continued, "the combination of Hamsters and Melba Toast results in an extremely volatile temperament. They get mad really easily, so I’ve had to implant small electro-shock devices in them. Also, to assist me, I’ve hired Val Kilmer to make sure they stay in line. But aside from that little discrepancy, they love me like a father. They are my children."

"Really," SPOOFE said. "This is almost as interesting as our quest to find Chris Benton’s libido."

"Chris Benton’s libido?" Willy said. "Now how’s that for a coincidence...."

"What? What?" SPOOFE and Kia said together.

Willy took another bite of sausage. "We just had a visitor that said he had Chris Benton’s libido just a few hours ago. In fact, he left the exact instant that you two arrived."

"Where’d he go?" Kia asked.

"I believe he said he was going to Switzerland," Willy said. "Now come... it is time for you to see my children."

He led them to a large kitchen, where several dozen plates were arranged on the counter. On each plate was a piece of Melba Toast. SPOOFE glanced really closely at one of the pieces of toast.

"Willy, did you just mix some hamster fur into the dough before you cooked it?" SPOOFE asked.

"Aah!!!" Willy cried. "How’d you guess my secret?!?"

Just then, the door was kicked open by a pale, drunk Val Kilmer, wearing a dirty trenchcoat and cowboy hat. He ambled up to the group.

"Val, you’re drunk," Willy said.

"That I am," Val said.

"You’re seeing double."

"That’s all right," Val said. "I’ve got two guns... one for each of ya."

Willy glanced down to what Val was holding. "Val, those are dog biscuits."

Just then, another door was bashed open, and a herd of dogs ran in and jumped on Val. They began ripping him to shreds after devouring the dog biscuits. Soon, Val Kilmer was reduced to several chunks of meat lying in a pool of vital organs and a cowboy hat.

"I’m all right!" Val said.

The dogs, meanwhile, turned their attentions to the other three. "Run!" Willy said. They ran. Willy pressed a button on a little remote control he was carrying. A side wall panel opened up, and SPOOFE and Kia jumped inside. Willy stopped just before entering the passage.

"That leads to an escape pod," Willy said. "You can use it to return home."

"What about you?" Kia asked.

Willy struck a dramatic pose with some dramatic music playing in the background with some dramatic lighting and a dramatic camera angle. He had a dramatic tear in his eye, brought upon by the dramatic onion that he was cutting dramatically. "I have to stay behind," he said dramatically. "I brought this upon myself." And, with a dramatic musical fanfare, the dramatic doors to the dramatic escape pod closed dramatically, and with a dramatic rumble and dramatic roar, the dramatic escape pod dramatically launched.

"Wow," Kia said. "That was dramatic."

So they left the Island of Dr. Monroe behind and hurled through the atmosphere, only to crash-land through the roof of a strip club. They jumped out of the escape pod and were immediately surrounded by dozens of completely naked strippers with really huge breasts. They had a few adventures in the strip club, but this story isn’t about those adventures. On to Chapter 4!!!!

Yes... on to Chapter 4...