Chapter 4...

SPOOFE and Kia managed to make it back to JDHQ by taking a taxi. As soon as they arrived, they rushed down to the isolation chambers where Chris was being held. Danielle saw them and came over to talk to them.

"I have good news and bad news," Danielle said. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"Give us some good news for a change," SPOOFE said.

"Okay," Danielle said. "I’ve managed to concoct a serum that will temporarily restore Chris’s libido."

Kia’s eyes brightened. "Are you serious? How’d you do it?"

Danielle held up a syringe. "Yeah, I’m serious. It’s pure guarana extract. It hits his pituitary gland and causes his brain to think that his libido is still there, while it’s just running off a guarana feed."

"Ingenious," SPOOFE said. "What’s the bad news?"

"The stock market lost a few points today."

"That’s no big deal," SPOOFE said. "Give Chris the shot. We’re off to Switzerland."

"What’s in Switzerland?" Danielle asked.

"A man that claims to have Chris’s libido," SPOOFE answered. "Give him the shot, then bring him up to the JDHQMCBR."

Everyone in the briefing room gasped as Chris came in.

"Get the hell out of the briefing room!" SPOOFE yelled at Everyone.

Someone popped into the room. "Sorry ‘bout that folks, he’s a little slow, don’tcha know. I’ll make sure he doesn’t bug you anymore." With that, Someone dragged Everyone out of the room.

All the others in the briefing room eyed Chris warily. He glanced around slowly, with the look of an unstable madman in his eye.

"As you can see," Danielle said, behind him, "the serum was a complete success. Unfortunately, he has to be given booster shots every six hours, otherwise he’ll begin declining to dipness immediately."

SPOOFE looked at Chris. "Do you think you can make it on this mission?" he asked.

Chris nodded. "Uhh... yeah."

"All right," SPOOFE said. "We’re going to Switzerland, people. I’m going, of course, and so’s Kia. Chris will be accompanying us, because we don’t know exactly where his libido is, and I’m guessing he’ll be able to sense it if it’s near. Danielle will be coming because she needs to keep an eye on Chris. Flip, Eric, Casey, and Katharine, you’ll be joining us, as well. Jen, you’ll be coming along, too. Same with you, Emily. CornHusker will be along for the ride, too, instead of just piloting for us."

After he received a series of affirmative responses, SPOOFE went on. "We’ll be scouring the entire country of Switzerland for Chris’s libido, which is the reason for such a large team. We have no idea why someone in Switzerland would want Chris’s libido, so we’ll have to spread out into the underworld and find out information ourselves." SPOOFE paused. "Also... this is the final chapter of the story, and also the longest, so be prepared for lots and lots of crazy antics and lame jokes. Any questions?"

There weren’t any.

"All right," SPOOFE said. "Go prepare your gear and get your asses onto the transport!"

The whole group was gathered in the main bay of the Josta I, checking equipment and gear, and joking amongst themselves. SPOOFE stepped forward to speak.

"All right, everyone, here’s the plan. We’re all going to spread out into three groups to scour Switzerland. The first group is going to be composed of me, Chris, Kia, and Danielle. The second group will be composed of , Eric, Katharine, Jen, and Emily. The final group will be Casey, Flip, and CornHusker. I’m in charge of Group 1, Eric’s in charge of Group 2, and Corny’s in charge of Group 3. Any questions?"

Casey raised his hand. "How are we going to find Chris’s libido?"

"Ah, I’m glad you asked, because that’s an important plot point," SPOOFE said. He held up a little box with a metal ring attached to one end. "This is an Acme Chris’s Libido Detector. It’ll detect Chris’s libido if it’s anywhere in a fifty kilometer radius, and will get more and more accurate readings as you get closer to it. Any other questions?"

CornHusker raised his hand. "Should we bring along our heavy weaponry?"

SPOOFE gave him an odd look. "That’s a stupid question, Corny, even for you. You all know that we’re supposed to carry our best weaponry at all times. Is there anything else?"

There wasn’t.

"Okay, we’re landing in ten minutes, people. Umm.... uhh.... okay, imagine that I just said something inspiring, okay?"

All the others nodded.

"Cheer, dammit!!"

They all cheered.

"That’s better."

A bunch of events led up to Group 1 being in a mountain-top ski lodge to the north of SchaffHausen. All of them (SPOOFE, Kia, Danielle, and Chris) were dressed in warm ski clothes, and their skis and poles were leaning up against the wall. Chris was stomping around, enjoying the sound his heavy ski boots made whenever he took a step.

"You gave him his booster shot?" SPOOFE asked.

Danielle nodded. "Yeah, he’s good for another six hours."

"Really..." Kia said slowly.

"Whoa, wait," Danielle said. "Not that part. That won’t work ‘til he gets his real libido back."

"Shit..." Kia said.

SPOOFE took another sip of his hot chocolate. "So, either of you see anything suspicious?" SPOOFE asked.

"Nope," Kia said.

"Nope," Danielle said.

"Yup," Chris said, and continued stomping around.

"Dammit," SPOOFE said. "Wait... Chris, did you just say ‘yup’?"

"Yup," Chris said, and continued stomping around.

"Where?!?" SPOOFE exclaimed.

"Right out there," Chris said, pointing out the window. "That guy skiing there. He just gave me the finger and laughed."

"After him!" SPOOFE yelled. All four of them ran out the door, grabbing their skis and poles as they passed them. They all leapt off the porch, one right after the other, and slapped their skis on in the air. They landed and began skiing really, really fast after the dude that gave Chris the finger.

When they passed a large outcropping of boulders, a bunch of other guys, wearing black clothing, began skiing after them. They carried Uzi’s and began firing (of course, they missed horribly).

"Split up!" SPOOFE said. He skied away from the other, and pulled out his trusty MP-10. He returned fire, nailing one of the bad dudes in the shoulder. He fell and began rolling, sending snow, skis, and groundhogs flying in all directions.

SPOOFE turned back around and crashed into Sonny Bono, who had crashed into a tree. SPOOFE ricocheted off and bounced off a few more obstacles until he ended up wedged between two large rocks. He struggled, but no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t pull himself free.

Meanwhile, Chris and Danielle had gotten separated from Kia. Chris pulled out an assault rifle and began blasting at the bad guys behind him. One of the pursuers took the shot directly in the chest, and he splayed his arms out, his uzi still firing. His shots hit his comrade, five feet away, and both of them went down in a spray of snow.

Chris went off a mogul, tumbled through the air, and crashed right in front of Danielle. Danielle crashed into him, hitting him in the ribs, and she lost her balance and fell into the snow. Chris struggled to breathe (the crash knocked the air out of him). Before he or Danielle could act, another skier came up to them with his uzi leveled at them.

"Don’t move!" he yelled in a hickish accent. Chris and Danielle put their hands up.

Suddenly, the man lurched forward and fell to the ground, a small crossbow arrow sticking out of his back. Kia was standing on a rock behind him, putting her crossbow away and grinning.

"Come on," Kia said, "let’s go kill some more bad guys." She helped Chris and Danielle get back on their feet, and they skied on down the mountain.

Meanwhile, SPOOFE was still stuck in between the two rocks.

Chris, Danielle, and Kia reached a long, clear section of the mountain slope. Down below, they saw the guy that had flicked Chris off.

"Hurry up!" Kia said, and she, being a better skier, zoomed ahead of the other two. The man saw Kia coming and pulled out an uzi of his own. He began firing at her, but since he’s a bad guy, he kept missing. He stopped firing at her, and began skiing even faster. Kia saw that she wouldn’t gain on him; so she pulled out her grenade launcher and lobbed off a shot that landed in front of the guy. The grenade went off just as he entered its’ blast radius; the explosion sent him propelling up the mountain.

Meanwhile, SPOOFE was still stuck in between the two rocks.

The man landed on a log and ricocheted off. He crashed into SPOOFE, which popped SPOOFE out from between the two rocks. He went flying like a rocket. The man tumbled down the hill, and came to a stop at Kia’s feet. She grabbed him and hauled him up.

"Where’s Chris Benton’s libido?" she asked him. "You’d better tell me ‘cuz we’re tired of asking that question! Now talk!"

"I don’t know what you’re talking about!" the man said. "Who’s Chris Benton?!?"

Just then, Chris skied up with Danielle. Kia pointed at Chris. "That’s Chris Benton. Why did you flick him off way up at the lodge?!?" Kia asked.

"Because of his jacket!" the man said. Everyone looked at Chris’s jacket.

"It’s a nice jacket," Everyone said.

"Go away!" Kia said. "This is an interrogation!"

"Aw, let him stay," Danielle said. "He’s no bother."

Suddenly, Someone skied up and grabbed Everyone’s sleeve. "Sorry, folks, he’s a little slow, don’tcha know. We’ll see you all later, all right? All right. Buh-bye!" The two of them skied off.

"Okay, so..." Kia said. "What’s wrong with Chris’s jacket that made you feel like flicking him off?"

The man pointed at the words on the jacket. "‘Pink Floyd’. Pink Floyd sucks, man."

(Author’s Note: The next few events that happened to that man will not be reproduced here. Needless to say, it’s a good idea to not make fun of the Floyd. Now, on with the story!)

SPOOFE barely acknowledged the screams as he rocketed down the mountain. He had bounced a couple times off of rocks and logs and such before he managed to get his skis underneath himself. As he flew down the mountain at 250 miles per hour, he became aware of the fact that there was a cliff in front of him. He went over the edge and got a nice view of the rest of the planet.

"I can see my house from here!!!" SPOOFE said. He then succumbed to the pull of gravity and began plummeting to his death.

Suddenly, a parachute appeared out of nowhere, then this crazy music started playing— DA DA DA-DAAAAA!!! SPOOFE descended slowly and leisurely, until this alien spaceship swooped by and grabbed him in a tractor beam. SPOOFE blacked out.

He awoke to find himself lying on a table, face down, and naked. He was strapped down. He saw some aliens that were the spitting image of Fred Flinstone. A large crane-like machine was holding up an elongated capsule, about seven feet long and three feet wide. The aliens were pushing it towards him.

"What’s that?" SPOOFE asked.

"Oh, this?" one of the aliens said (he had a French accent). "This is our anal probe."

SPOOFE screamed, broke his bonds in a surge of adrenaline, and broke through the wall of the spaceship (he grabbed his clothes and skis and other stuff as he was going, and put them on as he fell). He landed on a well-placed mattress just as Chris, Kia, and Danielle skied up.

"Whoa, did you see that?" Chris said.

"The alien spaceship?" SPOOFE asked.

"Alien spaceship? No!" Chris said. "I was talking about the gerbil running by with the bag of potato chips!"

SPOOFE, Kia, and Danielle gave Chris a funny look. "Chris, what the hell are you talking about?"

Chris just giggled and pointed. "There was a gerbil.... and he was running... with potato chips.... aw, fuck it..."

SPOOFE just nodded. "Ri-i-i-i-i-i-ight...."

Eric had led the others to the capital of Switzerland, Bern. The group of them wandered through the city, with Emily, Jen, and Katharine walking behind Eric and giggling amongst themselves (no doubt they were discussing how incredibly manly and sexy SPOOFE is). Eric was wearing a Snowstorm-class powersuit, which just so happened to look like some sporty cold-weather-possibly-used-for-skiing-clothing. He had the Acme Chris’s Libido Detector in his hand, and he occasionally glanced at the readings as they walked down the streets.

The place was a quiet city, only a few cars on the streets (most people were out skiing, and you couldn’t ski much in Bern), so they weren’t interrupted as they searched.

"Hey, Eric," Katharine said, "which vegetable do you like more? Cucumbers or carrots?"

Eric thought for a second. "Well, I am more fond of potatoes than either of those."

The three girls giggled among themselves. Eric shrugged it off. He reckoned he’d understand it sooner or later. But he wasn’t given much time to think on it... the Acme Chris’s Libido Detector went off.

"Whoa there!" Eric said. He pressed a few buttons. "It’s detecting something that may be Chris’s libido."

The three girls crowded around him. "Where?" they asked.

Eric pointed. "Over there. Large warehouse. Really large warehouse." The four of them hurried their pace in that direction. Eric began charging his powersuit, and he heard other weapons being readied behind him (he thought he heard a chicken cluck, but he could have just imagined it). The warehouse was surrounded by a high fence, but the large gate was wide open. Eric’s micro-sensor implanted in his eye couldn’t detect any sort of external security. He led the others through the gate and right up against the warehouse walls.

"Okay," Eric said, "so far so good. But now we’ve gotta get inside the warehouse. Any ideas?"

"I have an idea," Katharine said. She reached into her blouse (pity I wasn’t there to see it) and pulled out a rather large gun. It was, of course, her OUCHMAKER (Opportunistically Useful Cannon of Humongously Massive Anguishfully Killing Emission Ray). She pointed it at the wall and fired. The blast caused the wall to, for all intents and purposes, stop existing. She walked into the warehouse, brandishing the weapon, scanning for anything threatening. Finding nothing, she tucked the OUCHMAKER back into her blouse (I envy that gun, I really do...)

"I love it when I play the ‘tough-ass-bitch’ part," she said, grinning.

"I’m sure everyone loves it, too," Eric said.

"I sure do!" Everyone said.

Eric turned to look just as Someone ran forward.

"Sorry, sorry... he got away from me again," he said. He grabbed Everyone’s arm and pulled him away.

Eric sighed and shook his head. He turned back to the massive hole in the wall that had been conveniently created by our dear Miss Boyd, deploying his weapons as he went. He glanced around quickly. He saw four men leaping to their feet and reaching for AK-47's (ha... AK-47's... ha ha.... hahahahaha!!! Sorry....). Eric aimed his dozen or so weapons at them.

"Don’t move!" Eric yelled. All four of the men complied. "We’re looking for Chris Benton’s libido," Eric continued. "Our sensors said that it was here."

"We don’t know what you’re talking about," one of the men said.

"Yeah?" Eric responded. He gestured at the box on the table. "What’s that, then?"

The man looked at one of the others. "Zeke, show him what’s in the box."

"Right, Gus." Zeke opened the box and pulled out the large jar inside.

Eric grabbed the jar and peered closer at it. "What the heck is this?" he asked incredulously.

"That’s the brain of Ernest Hemingway," Gus said. "We were planning on selling it on the black market."

"Uh-huh," Eric said. He placed the jar back on the table. "Well, it obviously isn’t Chris’s libido, so we’ll leave you four alone." He began walking back out of the warehouse.

"I don’t think so," Gus said. He pointed his gun at Eric, and the other three followed suit. Eric halted when he heard the clacking of safety switches being turned off. He wasn’t worried for himself... his powersuit had shields that those pathetic AK-47's would never hope to chew through. He was worried for the other three ladies (always a chivalrous man). They didn’t fall within his shield boundaries.

"We’ll take you out, and then take those two sweet things for ourselves," Zeke said.

"Wait a minute..." Gus said. "Weren’t there three pretty wimmin?"

Just then, a huge stack of crates near the four hicks began wobbling. Eric saw it, and then decided to keep their attention on him lest they should notice, also.

"You four are so stupid that you can’t even count," Eric said. "Of course there were only two of them." He glanced over at Katharine and Emily and winked.

"Call us stupid, do you?" Gus said. He poked his AK-47 right in Eric’s face. "Pretty brave talk for some scrawny boy that’s about to be filled with bullets."

"You couldn’t hit the broad side of a Starbucks," Eric said, glancing at the wobbling pile of crates. "You couldn’t hurt Bill Gates."

"That does it!" Zeke shouted. He lifted his AK-47 to fire...

...Just as the stack of crates fell on the four of them. A sickening THUD-CRUNCH was audible. The four hicks fell silent. Jen was standing behind where the crates used to be neatly stacked up.

"That takes care of that," Jen said with a smile. "They smelled."

Eric nodded. "That they did," he said. "Come on, let’s go."

"Not so fast!" another hick voice said. A large crate burst open, and a man in a large cargo transportation suit (you know, like those Loaders from "Aliens", ‘cept this one has guns and shields and all that fun stuff) stepped forward. "I’m going to have to take care of all four of you myself!" He stepped forward, unslung a large gatling cannon and began firing. Eric got in front of the others, allowing the shields on his powersuit to absorb the brunt of the attack. Even so, he was nearly knocked off his feet by the force of the stream of bullets.

"Get behind cover!" he shouted over the noise. Kat, Emily, and Jen all nodded, and took off to find a suitable hiding spot. Eric then turned his attention to the Loader. He deployed his shoulder mounted rocket launcher and fired off a few. Several scored direct hits on the Loader’s shielding, but had little effect. The Loader rushed forward and swatted at Eric with one of its’ large arms; Eric was knocked backwards through the wall. He landed on the ground outside and quickly got to his feet, just as the Loader fired a torso-mounted bazooka blast at him. The shell knocked him back a dozen more feet, and lowered his shields to the critical level.

The Loader was preparing to move in for the kill when a massive blast caught it in the side and knocked it to the ground. It scrambled up again; the pilot saw Katharine standing near the corner of the warehouse, holding her OUCHMAKER. She blew a kiss at the Loader pilot, then darted behind the warehouse. The Loader followed after her.

Just as it rounded the corner, a giant electro-magnet snagged it (hey, that rhymes). It was attached to a crane, which was being driven by Jen. The Loader thrashed as it struggle to get free, but, hey, it’s metal, it ain’t going nowhere. Jen drove it over to the junkyard across the road (which was where she had "borrowed" the crane, anyway) and dropped the Loader into the car-smasher. Emily flipped the "Smashy-Smashy" switch which got the smasher to start smashing.

Inside the smasher, the pilot pulled out a comlink. "Threepio! Come in Threepio!" he shouted.

On the other side of the junkyard, a geeky-looking gold colored droid was standing next to what looked like a mobile garbage can. The mobile garbage can stuck a little thingy into the hole (you sick, sick person), and suddenly the smasher stopped smashing. The Loader began to climb out.

"I’m on it!" Emily shouted. She sprinted over to the two droids and pulled out her pair of blasters (she won’t tell you where she was hiding them). "Turn it back on!" Emily shouted at them.

"Oh dear," the golden droid said. "What will you do if we don’t?"

"I’ll melt you down and turn you both into John Tesh CD’s!"

The golden droid looked at the other. "Oh, my... better do what she says, Monica."

"Dammit, Bill, I hate it when we role-play!" But the short, fat droid complied... seconds later, the smasher resumed smashing, and soon the Loader was smashed.

Eric walked over to where the three girls were holding their victory celebration. "I am impressed," Eric said. "Congrats. Now, back to work."

"Awww..." the girls said together.

"Can’t we even have an orgy?" Emily asked.

Eric thought about it for a moment, then said, "As unusual it is to not have an orgy every ten seconds in one of these stories..."

(Note to self: Shmack Eric.)

"...We must continue on with our quest."

The girls sighed (they’re not like that in real life, though... they’re much, much worse). "Where’ll be going next?" Katharine asked.

Eric pulled out the Acme Chris’s Libido Detector. "Well, since Chris’s libido isn’t anywhere near here, we’ll be moving South to the Lotschberg Tunnel... wait a minute..." Eric pulled out a map. "Wow, I’m impressed again... SPOOFE isn’t just making these places up, he’s actually working off of a map of Switzerland." He put the map away. "Let’s go."

Flip glanced around the city of Bellinzona and made a simple announcement: "This place sucks."

CornHusker glanced back at Flip. "What makes you say that?"

"There’s no Pokemon card shops!" Flip wailed.

CornHusker glanced over at Casey, who was sitting in shotgun of the Husker-mobile (which looked eerily like a ‘99 Ford Taurus, but it had a bunch of hidden surprises). The trio were driving down the streets of Bellinzona, a city in the south of Switzerland. Casey sighed. Even though Flip was usually fun to have around, he had been getting really annoying the in close confines of the Husker-mobile.

"Any readings?" CornHusker asked Casey, who was in charge of keeping an eye on the Acme Chris’s Libido Detector.

"Nothing yet," Casey replied.

Just then, a big, loud, massive, loud, humongous, loud, enormous, and loud explosion shook the car. A blast that would’ve dented any ordinary Ford didn’t even scratch the Husker-mobile’s paint. CornHusker put the car into evasive mode as he activated the highly-advanced-and-really-cool sensor system. As he scanned, another blast went off to the right of the car.

"There it is," CornHusker said, pointing to the target that the sensors had... uh... sensed. He whirled the car around and pressed the big red button marked "To be pushed by CornHusker only". The weapons systems on the car came to life, deploying missiles, rockets, auto-cannons, etc. etc. You know, the standard arsenal that any really cool car would have.

He swung the car around, facing his target.

"I recognize that car!" Casey said. "That’s the Paula-Mobile!"

The white SUV charge at the Husker-mobile, it’s side-mounted minigun turrets blazing. CornHusker fired off a few rounds of rockets, which caused very little damage. The two cars passed each other at a blur.

"It looks like Paula’s been at her cabinet again," Flip said.

"What’s in her cabinet?" CornHusker asked.

"Oh, you know," Flip replied, "crack, acid, dozens of alcoholic drinks, and about three million quilts. The usual stuff."

CornHusker nodded. He whirled the car around a trash dumpster and brought his car in line for another pass at the Paula-mobile. He activated his plunger-grenades, powerful bombs attached to a suction cup. He launched several at the Paula-mobile; they latched on underneath the bumper. A few seconds later, they went off, propelling the SUV high into the air. It crashed to the ground with a... crash. But it remained upright, and driveable. It began to turn around for yet another pass.

"I have an idear," Flip said.

"What the hell is an ‘idear’?" CornHusker asked.

"It’s kind of like an ‘idea’, except with an ‘r’ at the end of it," Flip replied.

"Oh, okay," ConrHusker said. "What’s your... idear?"

Flip rolled down the window, and pulled out his shotgun. "I play hero," Flip said with a grin. He climbed onto the outside of the Husker-mobile, staying in a crouching position as the two meta-cars neared each other. When the two cars were about to pass each other, Flip leapt into the air... and landed on top of the Paula-mobile. He grabbed hold onto the huge 50 mm cannon turret mounted on the top and kicked open the sunroof. He stuck his shotgun into the drivers’ area and began firing. Small explosions and showers of sparks went off inside. The controls for the Paula-mobile suddenly stopped working, and it began heading on a collision course with a large building. Flip jumped off, landed on the ground, and rolled to absorb the impact. The Paula-mobile plowed right into the side of the building and exploded. Boom.

Flip stood up and dusted himself off, just as the Husker-mobile drove up. Casey and CornHusker both got out and walked over to him.

"That was amazing," Casey said.

"Yeah, doubly so," CornHusker added.

Flip took a few steps toward them. "Well, it was noth-" he stopped when he tripped on his own feet. His shotgun fell beneath him and went off, the spray of shot nicking his chin and hitting an old mailman in the ass. The old mailman yelped and ran off screaming like an old mailman that just got shot in the ass by a shotgun.

"Oops," Flip said.

Casey grabbed Flip’s arm and pulled him to his feet. "Well, it was still cool the way you destroyed the Paula-mobile. Come on, let’s go."

"Hold it right there!" a hickish voice yelled. Flip, Casey, and CornHusker whirled around to see (what else?) a hick, standing several dozen feet away, with some buddies. They all had weapons drawn.

"You just shot our pal Horace," the first hick said. He gestured to the old mailman, that had just run off a few moments before.

"Well, suppose we did," Casey said. "What’re you gonna do about it?"

The hick thought about it for a second. "Uh... we’re...." He looked down at the rifle in his hands. "Oh, yeah, we’re a-gonna shoot ya, that’s what we’re gonna do!"

Casey just grinned, and leapt towards the group of hicks. He drew his katana in the air, and brought it down on the leader. Both of him fell to the ground as Casey whirled around and disemboweled another hick. A third brought his rifle up, but Casey shoved the katana up his nose and out the back of his head.

Just then, another group of hicks appeared, running towards them all. CornHusker saw them all coming and charged towards them all.

"Hail Nebraska!" he yelled, and plowed through the line of rifle-wielding hicks like they were Bryan Cohen’s. He grabbed two guys and slammed their faces together with such force that they fused. He kicked another guy in the groin and his testicles popped out of his mouth. A fourth guy ran up, and CornHusker punched him in the chest, pulled out his spine, and stabbed him through the head with it. One of the guys tried to run away, but CornHusker grabbed him, shoved a gun up his ass, and fired. The bullet (and some other shit) come out the guys’ mouth and hit another guy in the head, killing him, too.

Anyway, there was more mayhem and death and destruction, but eventually all the bad guys were dead and all the good guys were drinking Martini’s (shaken, not stirred).

"...I especially liked the thing with the testicles..." Casey was saying, but the radio in the Husker-Mobile interrupted him.

"...Attention, all Josta Drinkers..."

Let’s go back in time a little bit. See, SPOOFE’s group (namely, SPOOFE, Kia, Chris, and Danielle, for those of you that have bad memories) was wandering around this swamp in the outskirts of the city of Lausanne, on the shores of Lake Geneva. But this wasn’t just any swamp, no!, it was a fake swamp, yes!, placed inside a really big building, yes!, a really big building, no!, not a really small building.

SPOOFE led the way, trying to lead a path that brought them through the swamp without falling into the rubber-leech infested waters. Chris followed behind, with Danielle and Kia walking next to him.

"Uh-oh..." Chris said. "I think it’s time for a booster shot."

"What makes you think that?" Danielle asked.

"Because I have this incredible urge to prance through the swamp like a jolly little school-girl," Chris answered.

Danielle hurriedly pulled out her little case of syringes and administered the dosage of pure guarana extract. Chris closed his eyes, sighed, and then belched.

"Ah, that hit the spot," Chris said. "Now I’m having the incredible urge to urinate on those trees."

They continued on. They didn’t know how big this swamp was. All they did know was the large, otherwise empty building in which it was housed was over two thousand feet long, and a thousand feet wide. But they didn’t know how big the swamp was. They kept going, anyway.

"How did we end up here?" Kia asked.

"An unusual plot twist that is completely impossible to describe in writing," SPOOFE said. "All I can say is that it involved lots and lots of axle grease."

"Well, this place sucks," Kia complained. "My platforms keep slipping in the mud."

"Still," Chris said, "there’s something familiar about this place. I dunno... I feel... I feel..."

Suddenly, they all stopped, drew their weapons, and turned around when they heard a noise.

"...Like we’re being watched," Chris finished after the interruption to his line.

Sitting on a log a few yards away was a small old dude with light green skin and tattered grey robes.

"Away put your weapons," he said in a Frank Oz-ish voice. "I mean you no harm."

SPOOFE, et al, hesitated for a second, then put their weapons away.

"Ha! Suckers!" The old dude pulled out a rocket launcher and fired off a missile. The blast hit SPOOFE square on the chest and sent him flying back through the plastic trees. The other three dove for cover.

"Why are you doing this, Yoda?!?" Chris yelled.

"I’m not Yoda!" the little old dude yelled back. "I’m his evil twin brother, Boner!"

"Well, then, Boner, why are you doing this?!?" Chris asked again.

Boner lowered his rocket launcher for a second. "You’d be quite crazy too if you were named after a slang term for a male erection..." He wiped away a brief tear. "For nine hundred years I’ve had people calling me that.... finally, they decided to lock me up in this fake swamp-"

He was interrupted when Danielle, using Boner’s distraction to her advantage, popped up from behind a fake log and fired her water-gun at him. The blast of water caused Boner to lose his balance, and he fell off his log and landed on his gimer stick. He screamed as it slid up his ass. His rocket launcher (now pointed vertically) went off, and the missile launched up several hundred feet, then sputtered, and began falling back down again. Boner’s eyes went wide as the missile landed in his left nostril and went off. Pieces of Boner-meat went flying about the landscape.

Danielle put her water-gun away. "I love the smell of burnt muppet in the morning," she announced.

Chris checked his watch. "It’s 11:47 PM," he said.

Danielle turned toward him, and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Ow!" Chris rubbed the back of his head. "Okay, okay, I’ll remember to not be right anymore."

"Damn straight," Danielle said.

The three of them went to find SPOOFE. He happened to end up stuck inside a tree. He was squirming and kicking his legs, to no avail.

"Would you like us to get you out of there?" Kia asked.

SPOOFE glared at her. "No, I want you to cut off my arms and-" He stopped in mid-sentence, thought for a second, and then went on. "Yes, actually, I would," he corrected.

Kia and Danielle grabbed SPOOFE’s legs and pulled, but he didn’t budge. Chris watched them for a second, then picked up a large chunk of wood, and smashed it into SPOOFE’s head. He popped right out of that ol’ tree, and landed on top of Kia and Danielle.

"Get off of me!" Danielle exclaimed.

"Get off of me!" Kia exclaimed.

"Aww," SPOOFE didn’t exclaim. It was rather more of a mumble, really... Anyway, SPOOFE got off of them. He brushed his clothes off a little.

"My head hurts," he announced.

"Mine doesn’t," Danielle said.

SPOOFE shrugged. "Ah, well, let’s go on, shall we?"

Suddenly, the log on which Boner had been sitting started to shake a little. SPOOFE noticed it and walked over to investigate. There, with his nose and part of his mouth blown off, was Boner. He seemed to be fiddling with a little bracelet he was wearing.

"What the hell are you.... doing?" SPOOFE asked.

Boner just flipped open his bracelet and pressed a few buttons. A count-down timer began going off, making a loud beeping noise as it neared zero. Boner began to laugh.

"Run!" SPOOFE yelled.

The whole group of them began sprinting away as fast as they possibly could, the whole while Boner’s laughter was echoing around them. The timer reached zero; the bomb exploded.

The building was demolished (as was the artificial swamp), and SPOOFE, Kia, Chris, and Danielle were propelled through the stratosphere. They landed several miles away, creating a large impact crater on the shoreline of Lake Geneva.

"Ouch," Kia said. "That kind of hurt."

"The second time in less than a minute that I’ve been blown up," SPOOFE said. He stood up. "Oh well. Let’s move on."

"Wait..." Chris said slowly.

Everyone looked at him. "Hi!" he said.

"Go away!" SPOOFE said. He grabbed him by the collar and threw him out into the lake. Someone appeared in a small boat. He hauled Everyone aboard, then waved to everyone and boated away.

"So, anyway, what’s wrong?" SPOOFE asked Chris.

"I feel..."

"What?!?" Kia asked.

"I feel..."

"What?!?" Danielle asked.

"I feel..."

"What?!?" SPOOFE asked.

"Myself!!!!"

Danielle looked at him funny. "We already know that."

"Well," Chris said, "a piece of myself...." He suddenly perked up. "My libido!!!! I can sense it!!!!"

The others got excited. "Where?!?!?" they asked all at once.

"Over there!!!" Chris said, pointing.

SPOOFE pulled out his Acme Map o’ Switzerland. "According to this... the only thing out there is... Geneva, Swtizerland." He folded his map (incorrectly, too) and tucked it away. "That’s where your libido is." He pulled out his comm unit and switched it on. "Attention all Josta-Drinkers..." he said, which was the ending of the previous segment.

CornHusker grabbed his own comm unit. "What is it?" he asked.

"Are you three all there?" SPOOFE asked.

"Yeah, as much as we ever are," CornHusker replied.

"Well, where’s Eric and his group...?"

Eric kicked the sheets off and grabbed his comm unit (which just happened to be in his pants, over on the chair). "What is it?" he asked.

"Are you four all there?" SPOOFE asked him.

Eric glanced over to where Katharine, Jen, and Emily were in bed. "We’re all here. We were practicing my ‘James Bond’ technique."

SPOOFE was silent for several seconds. "Right," he finally said. "Anyway, all of you, get your asses over to Geneva, Switzerland. That’s where Chris’s libido is."

"Oh, good," Eric said, pulling on his pants. "Finally, we can end this stupid story!"

"Hey!" SPOOFE said. "This is my story!!!"

"My story too!" Chris added.

Eric sighed and turned off his comm unit. "So it’s a very stupid story," he muttered.

High on top of a mountain, near Geneva, Switzerland, was a really big chateau. Most people wouldn’t imagine that there was any way to reach the summit. However, SPOOFE was not "most people".

"You’ve been taking too much advice from Wile E. Coyote," Flip said.

"This’ll work fine," SPOOFE said. He patted his Acme Catapult lovingly. "And to think, I only spent $49.95 on this."

Casey glanced way, way, way up at the mountain summit. "Oh, darn," he said. "My doctor warned me against taking rides on catapults that cost less than fifty bucks."

Chris grinned. "Ten bucks says that half of us die on this thing."

Danielle smacked him. "Chris, don’t exaggerate."

"Okay, okay," Chris said. "Two-thirds of us."

"That’s better."

SPOOFE threw his arms up in exasperation. "Will all of you get off my case?!? The fucking catapult will work just fine!!!"

"Ah, that explains it," Chris said. "Wile E. Coyote was using celibate catapults."

"Shut up!"

Eric raised a hand. "Do we have to use this thing if we have a better way to get to the top?" he asked.

SPOOFE thought for a moment. "No, I guess not."

"Good." Eric activated the rockets on his powersuit (remember, it looks like cold-weather clothing). He hovered a few meters up, then landed again. "Anybody want a lift?"

All the others crowded up against him.

"I... can’t... breathe...!" Eric said. "And... Flip.... get.... your.... hand.... out....of.... there....!"

The mass of bodies that had swarmed against him pulled away. Eric collapsed, taking deep breaths.

"Okay, anyway, let’s get going," SPOOFE said. "Into the catapult."

A plethora of protests answered his order.

"Hey, if Chris wants his libido back, we’ve got to get up to the top of this mountain!"

All the others were silent. After several dozen seconds, Chris stepped forward. "I want my libido back." He struck a dramatic pose. The camera angle even lowered so it’d get a really cool shot of him from below. "I’ll use the catapult."

"What a moron," Flip mumbled. The whole group chuckled quietly.

Some really cool music started playing as Chris stepped towards the catapult. In fact, everything began moving in slow motion, too. Chris climbed into the catapult. He gave SPOOFE a thumbs-up; the lever was pulled; Chris was propelled at nauseatingly fast speeds towards the top of the mountain. He actually passed the top, but his ascent slowed and he began falling. Luckily, the snow was only a few centimeters deep on top, so it didn’t create a huge mess as Chris slammed into the cliff.

"Ouch," Chris said as he stood up, with four or five dozen of his joints and bones cracking. "Like my back isn’t fucked up enough."

Seconds later, Flip flew up the mountain, then Casey, then CornHusker, then Everyone, then Someone (who then grabbed Everyone, gave a brief apology, and the two of them hopped back down the mountain), then Kia, then Danielle, and lastly, SPOOFE. Eric came jetting up the cliff with Emily hanging on to his back, Katharine in one arm and Jen in the other (what a stud... let’s give him a hand!!!).

Anyway, back to the story...

"Stupid story," Eric said.

Yeah, stupid stor— hey!!

Eric laughed.

Grr.... I hate it when they mess with the narrator. Anyway, back to the infinitely cool and amazing story...

"Yeah, right," Eric said.

....The mountain-top chateau loomed before them. SPOOFE turned to Chris.

"Can you feel your libido in there?" SPOOFE asked.

"Yeah," Chris said. "Let’s go get it."

"Well, we can’t all march in the front door," SPOOFE said. "Only my group gets to do that. You other two groups, you’ve got to find your own ways in."

SPOOFE, Kia, Chris, and Danielle walked around to the front of the building (it was a big building, so it took a while). Meanwhile, Eric’s group headed for the back of the building (it was a big building, so it took a while). CornHusker’s group stayed right where it was (it was a big building, so... uh... nevermind).

"So how are we gonna get in?" Flip asked.

Casey glanced up at a window. "I have my grappling hook. I can snag that window ledge up there and haul my way up, and you two can follow after me."

Casey grabbed the rope and hook, twirled it around a bit, then launched it. It came near the window, but didn’t snag. He threw it again, and missed again. He continued this for several minutes.

While he was doing that, CornHusker looked at the side of the chateau and got an idea. He pulled out a Josta bottle (he has a secret stash of them), chugged it down, then got into his charging position, facing the wall.

"Hail Nebraska!" he bellowed, then threw himself into the wall. It shattered inward, creating a nice doorway into the interior of the chateau.

Casey stared. Flip stared. Casey’s grappling hook fell down and hit Flip in the head. Flip said ow. Casey laughed. Both of them followed CornHusker into the chateau.

Inside, a weird looking man pranced by, singing:

I’m living in a chateau

My sister is a dirty ho

And I really have to go

To the bathroom!

I really really love to sing

But now I have to do something

To stimulate my ding-a-ling

So off I go, zoom!

"Wow, that was really cool," Flip said.

"Wow, that was really lame," CornHusker said. "Let’s go."

Back at the front of the chateau (that’s where SPOOFE’s group went, remember?)...

There was an old man in a cloak and hood standing in front of the main doorway. As the group approached, the old man spoke.

"Stop!" he commanded. "Those that wish to enter the chateau of death must answer me these questions fi- uh, three, ere the other side he see."

Chris stepped forward and straightened up (no small task). "Ask SPOOFE the questions, doorkeeper. I am not afraid."

The doorkeeper turned to SPOOFE. "What... is my name?" he asked.

SPOOFE peered closely at the doorkeeper’s name tag. "Corky Bo Bobbaloo," he said.

"What... is the sound of one hand clapping?"

SPOOFE thought for a second, then said, "The same as the sound of one butt-cheek farting."

"What... are the odds for successfully navigating an asteroid field?"

"Approximately 5,720 to 1," SPOOFE answered.

The doorkeeper grinned. "All right, in you go."

SPOOFE stepped through the door. The others moved to follow him, but the doorkeep stopped them.

"Stop!" he commanded. "Those that wish to enter the chateau of death must answer me-"

He stopped when Chris pulled out a pistol and shot him through the head. The doorkeeper fell down dead. SPOOFE looked down at Chris’s handiwork.

"Why did you do that?" SPOOFE asked.

Chris shrugged. "As much as I love a good Monty Python gag, I didn’t want to be stuck out here any longer than necessary. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s cold."

"Well, okay," SPOOFE said.

The four of them also entered the chateau...

Eric’s group happened to find the back door unlocked. They, too, entered the chateau (Eric doesn’t get anymore cool adventures since he thinks this story is stupid... ha! I showed him... smarmy git...).

All three groups met up at a large central chamber. They all gathered in front of a round, curtained-off platform, and drew their weapons, prepared for battle.

"We have come for Chris Benton’s libido!" SPOOFE shouted.

"And an apple pie!" Flip yelled. "I’m hungry..."

The curtain pulled aside, and there, sitting on a throne that looked like a giant .44 magnum, surrounded by dozens of assault rifles and pistols, was Charleton Heston. He was laughing.

"How do you think you’re going to take back his libido?" he asked. "I made the Red Sea part! I won a chariot race! What are you going to do to me!!"

"This," SPOOFE said, and began firing his MP-10 at him. The bullets ricocheted off an energy shield surrounding the throne.

"You can never defeat me," Charleton Heston said. He pressed a button on his magnum-throne, and the room began to vibrate. The throne sunk into the ground. A large hatchway opened up, and a gigantic robot (that resembled Charleton Heston) rose from the ground. It bristled with weaponry and bad Calvin Klein commercials. It took a step forward and pointed its’ guns at SPOOFE.

"This warbot is powered by Chris Benton’s libido!" Charleton Heston said. "It makes me invincible!"

The warbot fired its’ weapons. The explosion sent SPOOFE flying backwards, until he hit the wall with a sickening crunch. All the other Josta Drinkers scattered, firing their weapons at the warbot.

Eric activated his powersuit. He unslung his Acme Anti-Warbot Cannon, and began firing off blast after blast. The warbot’s shields held up, and returned a barrage that knocked Eric off his feet and out of the fight.

Casey grinned and pulled out his katana. He leapt high into the air, and stabbed the sword deep into the warbot’s thigh. Unfortunately, the katana hit a power line, and the resulting seven quadrillion volts of electricity knocked Casey out, and he fell tot he floor, twitching and convulsing.

Flip pulled out his shotgun and went crazy. He jumped onto a chandelier high above, then jumped onto the warbot’s head. He began firing blasts into the cockpit door, but the warbot lifted a hand and brushed him off. Flip fell to the floor, and the warbot stepped on him.

CornHusker charged at the warbot. He jumped up on its’ leg, climbed up to the torso, and began pounding on the chest. The metal armor plates began bending inwards. The warbot raised a cannon to his face and shot him at point-blank range, and he fell to the floor. He jumped up again and continued pounding on the warbot, screaming "Hail Nebraska!!"

Meanwhile, Chris, Kia, Katharine, Danielle, Jen, and Emily had gathered together behind the warbot.

"We need a plan," Jen said.

"Right," Kia said. "Here’s what we’re gonna do..."

CornHusker’s attack had actually slowed the warbot down. Suddenly, Emily ran forward, dressed in her black combat gear, and her small guns blazing. The warbot was further distracted and looked down at her.

Danielle, Kia, Chris, and Jen all heaved Katharine up into the air. She landed on the back of the warbot’s neck. She quickly pulled out her OUCHMAKER, pressed it to the back of the warbot’s neck, and pulled the trigger. The resulting explosion caused the neck to shatter, dropping the cockpit to the ground. The rest of the warbot fell over backwards (nearly crushing Danielle, Kia, Chris, and Jen). Chris climbed on top of the chest, ripped it open, and reached inside. He hauled a large, glowing tube out.

"My libido!!!" Chris yelled. He opened the hatch... smoke (provided by some dry ice) billowed out...

...And instead of Chris’s libido, there was a guy crammed inside the glowing tube.

"Anyone!" Someone yelled, running into the room. "There ya are, man! We’ve been looking all over for you!"

Everyone, behind Someone, nodded, and helped Someone pull Anyone out of the tube.

"Are you okay, pally-boy?" Someone asked. Anyone nodded. "This is great! Now we just need to find Obi-Wan and we can play that game of golf." They three of them began walking away. "See ya later, friends! We shall meet again!"

Chris fell to the ground. "When am I gonna get my libido back?!?" he wailed.

Just then, some really kickass pimp-daddy music started playing, and the Spooge Demon walked in. Nicole Kidman was holding on to his arm.

Chris jumped up. "Spooge! Where have you been?!?"

Spooge grinned and gestured to Nicole, grunting a bit. He held up a small, dirty, brown paper bag. Chris grabbed it away, reached inside, and pulled out a small green tablet. He swallowed it, closed his eyes, and grinned.

"Ahhh...." he said. Kia walked up to him and slid her hand into his pants.

"Oh, his libido is back," Kia said. "Seems like it’s.... stronger than before." She glance questioningly at Spooge. Spooge just looked up at Nicole Kidman and grinned.

"Oh, he was a very, very good boy... er, demon," Nicole said. "Anyway, I’ve gotta run. I’m scheduled to fight on ‘Celebrity Deathmatch’ again. Toodles!" Nicole Kidman walked away.

Meanwhile, SPOOFE had ripped the detached warbot cockpit opened and pulled Charleton Heston out. "What do you all think we should do with him?" SPOOFE asked.

Flip pulled himself out of the crater he was stuck in. "Give him a wedgie!" Flip yelled.

"All right," SPOOFE said. "CornHusker, if you will do the honors?"

CornHusker grinned, and whispered "Hail Nebraska" to himself. He grabbed Charleton Heston’s underwear and pulled. And pulled. And pulled. And continued pulling, until he had about ten yards of underwear clothe in his hands. Charleton Heston was screaming. CornHusker wrapped the dirty underwear around him, and then tied it in a knot. CornHusker then carried Charleton Heston outside, to the edge of the cliff, and tossed him over. He walked back in with a grin of satisfaction on his face.

"Well, that’s the end of that," SPOOFE said. "Chris, are you happy?"

Chris looked down at Kia and grinned. "I will be in a second," he said. The two of them walked out of the rooms for a little bit of privacy.

THE END