Chapter 3

Seventy-four.

That’s the number of panes of glass that Spooge broke after he screamed. He screamed after he saw CornHusker go to have sex with Chyna. Spooge’s eyes were a little green (that means he’s jealous, for the more idiotic people reading this).

He had returned to the small room that the Josta Drinkers had chosen as their meeting room and start pacing and fuming. Nobody really cared, of course, they were too busy doing their own thing. But an hour later (damn, this wrestling bit lasts a long time, doesn’t it?), CornHusker left Miss Kitty’s locker room, leaving Chyna and Kitty (well, she wants to be called "The Kat" now, but that ain’t gonna happen in this story) to their frazzled selves.

Spooge ran up to CornHusker in the hallway, and as luck would have it, a WWF cameraman was there. Spooge pushed CornHusker against the wall.

"What’s the big idea?!?!?" Spooge yelled.

"Huh?" CornHusker asked (he’s not the quickest shoe in the box after dozens of orgasms).

"Fucking Chyna and all that!" Spooge shouted. "She was supposed to be mine!!"

"Huh?" CornHusker asked.

"I’ll see your ass in the ring!!" Spooge screamed, then stormed off, leaving CornHusker standing in the hallway, watching Spooge walk off.

"Huh?" CornHusker asked.

"La-a-a-a-a-adies and Gentlemen!!!" the announcer said. "Our final match of the evening is scheduled for one fall... a No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere match, with a new WWF Title Belt on the line, the Hardcore Pornography Josta Belt!" The announcer paused as the audience screamed. "And this match also happens to be a Grudge Match!" Another pause as the audience screamed. "And finally, both contenders will be newcomers to the WWF who probably will never be seen again after tonight!" More audience screaming. "I’m not wearing any underwear and I’ve got a massive boner right now!" Even more screaming. "Right... anyway, let’s bring in the contenders. Weighing in at 180 pounds... the Spooge Demon!"

The Pink Elephants music began pumping in as Spooge walked in, his right hand clenching and unclenching, his left holding a bottle of water. He took a drink from it, then poured some one his head, then tossed the bottle away, then spat out the water. You know, standard "bad-ass-wannabe" entrance procedure. He climbed into the ring and stood at one end, glaring at the Titantron.

"And next up, weighing in at... uh...." The announcer paused as he read the card. "Weighing in at... and I quote... ‘Enough’... CornHusker!"

The crowd screamed some more as Corny stepped into the arena. He glanced around at all the pretty lights.

"Ooh, pretty," he said. He walked down the ramp and climbed into the ring. He looked over at Spooge and grinned.

The bell rang and Corny bellowed "Hail Nebraska!" loud enough for all to hear. He then charged at Spooge, grabbed him with one hand, and smashed Spooge’s face into the mat. He then lifted Spooge high into the air, swung him the other direction, and smashed his face into the mat again. This continued for about five minutes. He then tossed Spooge against the ropes, caught him in the ricochet, leapt twenty feet into the air, and came down with a suplex. With a yawn, he tossed Spooge out side the ring, where he spent five minutes pounding Spooge into the stairs, the guard railing, the announcer’s table, Michael Cole, and anything else that seemed blunt and dense enough.

Spooge was pretty disoriented, but managed to grab a chair (one of the real ones, not one of the prop ones) and swung it at Corny. The chair dented, but Corny was unfazed. In fact, he grinned and waved for more. So Spooge kept pounding the chair into Corny’s cranium, and eventually it fell to pieces, but Corny just grinned, reached his fist way, way back, and like a freight train, the punch knocked Spooge across to the opposite guardrail. Corny strode over to the announcer table, grabbed a headset, and shouted "QUA-A-A-A-AKE!!"

Spooge tried to get up, but after having every bone in his body mashed into a liquid-like state and enough hemorrhaging to flood the Nile, he was in no shape for living. But Corny didn’t really care. He just grabbed Spooge, tossed him into the ring, and gave him a cover. The referee dove to the mat and began counting.

"ONE!...."

Corny grinned as he felt his victory coming.

"TWO!!...."

Corny’s grin faltered as he felt Spooge’s battered near-corpse quiver.

"THR--*"

Before the ref could finish the count, both Corny and Spooge’s body’s were launched into the air. There was a slight popping sound... and the Demon leapt out of Spooge’s chest!! Spooge landed on the mat and leaned against one of the corner posts, and Corny got up and brushed himself off. He then turned to face his new adversary.

The Demon leapt at Corny and sunk his jaws into Corny’s waist (the Demon had big jaws), but Corny pulled the jaws apart and hurled the Demon against the ropes. He prepared to catch the Demon and put him into the Ricocheted Suplex o’ Hurt, but the Demon whirled around and caught Corny in the neck with his clawed foot. Corny staggered back, and the Demon went on the offensive, pulling on Corny’s little toe like there was no tomorrow. He then hoisted Corny in the air and launched him into the audience, killing several of the spectators and smashing the seats.

Backstage, Vince McMahon sighed in relief at his decision to add a disclaimer to the tickets waiving responsibility for the death of any spectators.

Back to the match. Corny dug himself out of the crater of seats and corpses that he found himself in. He looked up just in time to see that the Demon had grabbed a table from underneath the ring. Demon brought the table up and down (a la Newton’s laws of motion) onto Corny. The table didn’t do anything to faze Corny one bit, so the Demon shoved it down Corny’s throat. CornHusker gagged a bit at the nasty taste of the wood.

"Oooh," Jerry Lawler said. "The stupid oaf deserved that!"

"What are you talking about?" Michael Cole said. "This is unnecessary brutality!"

Both the Demon and CornHusker turned to look at Michael Cole, and with a like mind, they leapt at him. Corny lifted Michael Cole out of his seat, and the Demon grabbed another table. Corny pitched, the Demon whacked, and suddenly Michael Cole was hurtling through the stratosphere.

The two of them were about to get back at the match, but suddenly Superman crashed into the arena, fighting with Doomsday. They landed in the ring and rolled over between CornHusker and the Demon. They fought around for a few minutes, but it was boring, so Corny grabbed Superman and snapped his neck like a twig, and the Spooge Demon grabbed Doomsday, sodomized him, then snapped his neck like a twig. They tossed the corpses aside, then leapt at each others’ throats.

They wrestled around the arena for quite a while, slaughtering random members of the audience (most of the time it was accidental, though), destroying the arena, and performing other random acts of violence. Corny grabbed a dismembered hand and poked the Demon’s eyes with it. The Demon retaliated; he grabbed a fat man named Ed, turn’s Ed’s ass towards Corny, and punched Ed in the gut. The shock released the stored-up gas that Ed had, and the cloud blasted Corny back thirty meters. He tumbled through the audience, knocking people into the air as he did so (other audience members melted from Ed’s forced flatulence).

Corny finally came to a rest against a stiff, suit-wearing man holding a sign reading "John 3:16." CornHusker grinned, grabbed the sign, shoved it up the man’s ass and out through his mouth (a foot-long metal pole popped out), poked a piece of string in the man’s ear, lit the string, and hurled it at the Spooge Demon. The make-shift spear smashed into its’ target right when the fuse ran out. The man exploded, covering the area with shit (since the man was full of that particular substance). Corny managed to duck behind the ring to avoid the fecal shrapnel.

The Spooge Demon was really mad. He roared a roar that rendered the entire audience deaf (Vince sighed again, since the disclaimer also covered loss of hearing), and leapt towards the ring. Corny stood ready.

The Spooge Demon smashed into CornHusker, and the two of them flew backwards and smashed through the ring post, and into the guardrail. Corny leapt to his feet, lifted the Demon into the air, and hurtled him towards the Titantron. The demonic form shattered the immense Titantron screen, sending a massive shower of sparks exploding throughout the arena. The immense amount of electricity going through the screen coursed through Spooge Demon’s body. The twitching made the Spooge Demon pop out of the screen, and he fell to the floor and rolled down the ramp. Corny strode forward confidently.

As CornHusker was about to layeth the smacketh down on the Demon’s candy ass, Spooge leapt up from behind some rubble where he had been taking refuge. He was holding on to BB’s arm and dragged her along with him. He pushed BB forward, and Corny whirled around to see what was happening. As soon as he did, Spooge pulled BB’s top off. Corny’s jaw dropped and began exhibiting gallons of drool. BB, confused (she is blonde), just stood there.

Corny stepped forward with his arms stretched forward, preparing to grab ahold of a couple things, when the Spooge Demon got his (its’?) second wind. A swift jump-kick to Corny’s spine propelled him into BB, and the two of them fell backwards, and Corny rolled off of her and further down the ramp. The Demon grabbed BB and handed her a business card which read "Meet me tonight", and gave an address. With a grin and a snap of his fingers, the Demon continued the assault on CornHusker. BB just giggled and attempted to slip the card into her blouse, but realized that she wasn’t wearing one. She dashed off, covering her tits.

Corny jumped up, glancing around for the naked (large) breasts that had just been there a moment ago (oh, yeah, and the woman attached to the naked (large) breasts), but to no avail. He sat down and began sobbing, and that’s when Spooge and the Spooge Demon began ganging up on him. They punched, kicked, poked, twiddled, pinched, bit, twisted, clipped, spat, laughed, slept, jumped, squeezed, panted, thrusted, stretched, pulled, pushed, yanked, whacked, shmacked, shot, slapped, and noogied. They... umm... shit, I forgot if I was describing a fight or an orgy... they... oh, yeah... they kept up the onslaught for quite a while. It seemed as if Corny was on the ropes..

NO!! With his last ounce of strength, he hurled Spooge and the Demon off of himself. He climbed up into the ring and let loose with a feral roar of defiance, then pulled a Josta bottle from his pocket. With a single quick move, he had the cap off and was chugging it down. With his strength renewed, CornHusker charged toward Spooge and the Spooge Demon and proceeded to kick the crap out of both of them. A minute later, it was over. A ref appeared as CornHusker pinned both his adversaries at once.

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

The bell ringed, and CornHusker was handed the Hardcore Pornography Josta Belt. He held it high in the air and strode back underneath the destroyed Titantron.

The entire arena was destroyed. Hundreds of the fans were killed, thousands more were hurt. But those that survived cheered enthusiastically for more.

Vince was grumbling about the repair bill (not to mention the bad PR) that would come about as a result of a single match. He called for his aide.

"Take this SPOOFE and Spooge, and all their associates... except for that Eric guy... and have them killed," he said with a grimace.

"But, sir, you may want to look at these figures," the aide said, handing him a few sheets of paper.

"What are these?" Vince asked.

"The ratings," the aide said.

Vince flipped through the papers. "Oh my god..." he whispered. "According to this... we had every single human being on the planet watching that last match..."

Eric didn’t watch the match, but he’s not human anyway. He chose instead to polish up his arsenal of powersuits and to upgrade some of the systems (he had a new sound card for his City Smasher model C-4, for example). He was doing this when a he heard a small beeping noise. It was coming from his security alarm system in the small comm unit he had. Apparently, someone tripped the alarm leading to Stone Cold’s room.

Eric quickly ran some calculations through his head, and set off at a brisk walk towards Steve Austin’s dressing room. He arrived just in time to see the door being closed and a dark-clothed figure running away. Eric considered catching the Mysterious Figure, but decided against it (This stupid story would end if I did that, he thought, and I haven’t had any sex yet). So Eric opened the door and glanced around the room. Stone Cold wasn’t there, so Eric looked around for anything that had seemingly been disturbed. He spotted a crumple in a piece of trash in the garbage can that wasn’t there the last time he had been in the room. He walked over to it, reached in, and pulled out a crude bomb (seven sticks of dynamite attached to a detonator, timer, and two buttons, On and Off). Eric spent a minute pondering this new turn of events. He stood staring at the bomb as the timer neared zero. Right when the display read "00:01", Eric pressed the Off button.

He tossed the bomb down a garbage chute as he walked back to the storage room where he had his powersuits, making a mental note to tell SPOOFE of the bomb and yet another assassination attempt. But first... he had to install his new TI-900,000 atomic calculator (from Texas Instruments) into his Scheherezade-class powersuit.

Vince McMahon caught up with SPOOFE just as he was congratulating CornHusker on his success.

"...And you killed hundreds of people out there! Man, I have never been more proud of you," SPOOFE was saying.

"Yeah, great job on the match!" Vince exclaimed.

"Match?" both SPOOFE and Corny questioned at the same time.

"Yeah," Vince said. "The wrestling match."

Corny’s eyes brightened. "Oh yeah! Duh, so that must be why they gave me this." He patted the Hardcore Pornography Josta Belt.

"Look at this," Vince said, handing SPOOFE the papers.

"Oh my Spam!" SPOOFE shouted. "Look at this! It’s so thin, and flexible, yet it doesn’t just fall apart! And you can fold it, or roll it up, and I’m pretty sure it’s flammable! What do you call this?!?"

"It’s paper," Vince said. "It’s been around since Ancient Egypt."

"Oh, shut up," SPOOFE said. "I don’t get out much."

"Anyway, look at what’s written on the paper," Vince said.

SPOOFE looked. "Oh, this is actual writing," he said. "I thought this... pa... per... was just dirty." He read the writing. "Hmm... this is very interesting, Vince. I can’t make heads or tails out of it."

"It means that we just got more ratings than... well... anybody. Well, okay, we didn’t beat out that ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ show, but they’ve got Regis Philbin."

"Oh, that’s great," SPOOFE said. "But we didn’t catch the assassin. We’ll have to do it next show. Which is tomorrow. We’ll have to go rest and relax for that."

Vince grabbed SPOOFE’s shoulder. "Wait, wait, wait... we have to talk about these ratings. I’m prepared to hire all your people as members of the WWF, everyone with an opening contract of five million dollars over the next three years."

"No, no, no," SPOOFE said. "I get all their money, and then I dish it out to them however I see fit. They’re my people, after all."

"Okay, it’s a deal."

Just then, Spooge ran in, apparently after having just returned to Demon to his chest. "How the hell did I lose?!?" he screamed, apparently still muddled after having the crap beaten out of him.

"I pinned you," CornHusker said, and giggled.

"Just you wait ‘til next time," Spooge said. He wandered off to find someplace to sulk.

On to Chapter 4...