"Love me... hate me... I'm still gonna draw you naked." -SPOOFE

"Where's the penis?" -Flip

"I fucked a freshly-fucked Kia!" -Spooge

"...And at night, the Ice Weasels come..." -Casey

"Just draw the picture, dear... and remember... he's gay." -Kia

"People are stupid." -Brandon

"I ejaculate pure chunks of lard." -Sam

"Chris, just get dressed already." -Kia

"Look at me! I'm a smoking bunny!" -Spooge

"Hail Nebraska!" -CornHusker

"No-o-o-o! Must... not... die...!" -Eric

"Sorry... I'm only 18... I don't have a drop in there for you." -Katharine

"Put some pants on and I'll have to stop playing with your nuts." -Kia

"Fine. I'm just going to sit here and masturbate." -Ronnie

"Oh my God; that was your finger!" -Danielle

"In my ass crack!" -Spooge

"The penis is in the mouth." -SPOOFE

"Need I remind you that I've beaten you in many a battle?" -Katharine

"Fuck my elbow!" -Flip

"Jimmy Hendrix didn't play the guitar!" -Bif

"Don't mind Flip...he's kind of a drama queen." -Taylor Hildebrand

"Chris looks like an erect penis, Casey looks like an erect penis... Bryan looks like a dickhead..." -SPOOFE

"I'm quotable, Goddammit!" -Spooge

"I couldn't seduce a blow-up doll." -Flip

"Well, I should be in the other room listening to ‘Hootie’ and doing my homework but nooo, I’m here on the phone with you." -Flip

"Oh, I thought being ‘unicorned’ was something ‘Bobbittizingly painful." -Flip

"No! I am not attracted to cows, sexually or otherwise." -Flip

"I’m heterophobic." -Flip

"NOOOOO! I thrive on stupid. It’s what surrounds us, protects us, makes things grow." -Flip

"Oh, cool, I’m sitting next to nunchucks!" -Flip

"I’m hungry. Oooh, a squirrel!" -Flip

"Eventually, you’ll all turn out to be just like me. It’s called evolution." -Flip

"Doesn’t New York just make you wanna…wash your hands?" -Flip

"You got something against sperm?" -Flip

"Oh my God! I’m destined to be the gay lover of my alter ego!" -Flip

"But see, there's a difference. Jeff is a pervert. I'm just a fan of sexual humor." -Flip

"Sugar, Guarana, Viagra. All the good stuff." -Flip

"Oh my god! Katharine's selling military secrets to my mother!" -Flip

"I’m blond. Bear with me." -Kat

"Something smells like fish." -Kat

"Spanglish es very funno. I gusta it mucho." -Casey

"If you can cram ten of these into one of these, I’d be impressed." -Casey

"If it was a joke, I would have made a reference to wild, orgiastic sex." -Casey

"And at night, the ice weasels come…" -Casey

"Well, I’m sorry if I pay more attention to the gay guys than you, they’re just good dancers." -Kia

"It’s combination skirt and loincloth." -Kia

"How did I get sand in my bra?" -Kia

"This is it, gentlemen… This is the moment you officially become…bad ass." -Eric

"If you Flipped an Italic Squirrel, what would that make it?" -Eric

"Where’s my tomato?!" -SPOOFE

"You shall now be called Dark Flip of the Flop." -SPOOFE

"You spelled ‘Dammit’ wrong." -SPOOFE

"When I constantly hear people shouting ‘SHUT UP, BIF!’, it tells me something." -SPOOFE

"Holy wombat with a sexual attraction to Richard Nixon!" -SPOOFE

"I'm a heavy smoker of Tabasco." -SPOOFE

"Hey! Let's all get naked, drink Dran-O, and sing Jingle Bells!" -SPOOFE

"I don't have a life, and I'm damn proud of…oh wait…that's bad!" -SPOOFE

"Heaven, I’m in heaven…everywhere I go, I seem to DOH!" -Corny

"Oh my god. I close my eyes and I see giblets." -Corny

Ali: You asshole!
Flip: That's me!

Bif: Casey and I are TRYING to have an intelligent game here.
CornHusker: And where does the intelligence come from?

Flip: I can't keep my hands out of my hair.
CornHusker: I can't keep my hands out of my pants.
Flip: Neither can I.

SPOOFE: You know, Aladdin was a moron. The movie was cool, but those wishes? 'Make me a prince', my ass. I'd wish for omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence.
Kia: You'd wish for impotence?
SPOOFE: No!!! Omnipotence!! To be all-powerful!
Kia: Impotence is being all-powerful? I thought that was when you lost your…
SPOOFE: Shut up!

SPOOFE: I'm never going to die! I am immoral! I mean, immortal!
Flip: A little bit of both, actually.
SPOOFE: Damn straight. I get to live immorally forever. Eternal sex, drugs, and Twinkies.

Kia: This is one of my better pictures.
SPOOFE: It's…ah…nice…
Kia: Isn't it? It's called 'Horny Horses'.

SPOOFE: Didja hear that TWO of the Spice Girls are pregnant?
Flip: Wow. Two at once.
SPOOFE: Yeah! They're BREEDING! They're gonna overrun humanity!

SPOOFE: You're insinuating too much from my insinuation.
Flip: But your insinuation is too insinuating.

"Look! Dancing...Rainbow...ELEPHANTS!" -Kia

"I have need of your mad poetry-writing skills." -Eric

Falayla: ...But eating meat is evil! They pack the cows together and treat them horribly and then they slaughter them, they cut their throats and let them bleed...
Chris: Yeah... but it tastes fuckin' great.

"Only in America can you screw people over for screwing you over because you were screwed over by the person you've been screwing over." -Aaron

"I'm not cranky because my mind is being deceived by a soulless, heartless entity bent on keeping all of humanity locked in its' control for the purpose of providing energy for itself and it's minions.... I'm cranky because I'm sexually frustrated." -SPOOFE

"If I ever got laid, I'd be so confused that I would vote democratic." -SPOOFE

"You got big boobies.... I got mediocre boobies." -SPOOFE

"Man, I suck. Ain’t I great?" -SPOOFE

"Mmmm.... Sammmm...." -Katharine

"When you ‘assume’, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘yume.’" -Brandon

"Ew! She spit in my mouth!" -Sam

"Eric would be great in the WWF. The Rock would shout ‘It doesn’t matter what your name is!’ and Eric would stand there, blink his eyes, and say ‘Yes it does.’" -SPOOFE

"There are plenty of losers in the sea." -Danielle

"You know, Jeff, sometimes I think you are nuts... other times, however... I know it." -Ty

"What are you trying to tell me Ty...huh? That I shouldn't eat this just because it has fly eggs in it?" -Chris

"I'm as musically gifted as dying reindeer." -Brian

"Sometimes the floppy ones are good too!" -Katharine, about french fries

Casey: "This is SPOOFE."
Flip: "Ah, yes, I've heard of you."

Casey: "This is SPOOFE."
Tyler: "Ah, yes, I've heard of you."

"Curiosity killed the mood." -SPOOFE

Kat: "Right after a car chase, you say you're a wuss?"
Ty: "Heh... I wasn't driving."

"I can just imagine him sitting there going ‘Hail Nebraska!'" -Katharine, about Corny masturbating

"Stop masturbating Ronnie's nose!" -Danielle

"How come all my quotes are about masturbation?" -Ronnie

"Ronnie... you're just a masturbatory person." -SPOOFE

"How come I don't have any quotes on anyone's page?" -Scott

"You're a weird... weird." -Ronnie, about SPOOFE

"You're giving me a hard-on, you know that, Jeff?" -Scott

"I'm trying to imagine the two people that made Flip... and it's amusing." -Scott

"Chris... why do you have a boner?" -SPOOFE

"I can hang a hat on it!" -Chris (yes, he is talking about that)

Scott: "I think they (Ty and Brandon) will eventually bury the hatchet."
Ty: "Yeah, when I bury him... gotta hide the murder weapon somewhere."

"Interesting thing about Ty... when he’s mad, he doesn’t yell... and it’s scary." -SPOOFE

"Aww... how sweet... Kia's afraid of getting rammed up the ass." -Katharine

"I’ve already decided that you look fuckin’ ridiculous... I just haven’t decided what to say about it yet." -Flip

"Fuck that, we’ll take all the vans in the U.S., weld them together, and make a casino!" -Chris

"His head looks like a penis... it’s purple!" -Chris

SPOOFE: "But you are a pervert and a sick bastard."
Chris: "So?!?"

"I’ll tell you what my medication is... hot steamin’ l-o-o-ove!" -SPOOFE

"Stop looking for a nipple on my ass." -Rachel

"Jeff... it’s terrifying... but that really turned me on." -Brian

"Yes, I’m the new rabbi... and boy, do I have a hankering for pork!" -Scott

"You’re not real, are you, Jeff?" -Gene

"Watching Kevin Spacey jerk off really doesn’t excite me." -Franklin

"Where the fuck is my dick?" -SPOOFE

Chris: "I knew one of the girls that he was boning for a while, and she was... pretty nice."
Flip: "Good for him!"

"Can we stop talking about testicular injuries?" -SPOOFE

"Wait a minute... this is a ‘Space Ghost’ thing, isn’t it?" -Eric

"Hell, I want multiple orgasms, dammit!" -Chris

"Robert, stop humping the Maxi-Pad." -Flip

SPOOFE: "Oh, so you and I are agents of Satan?"
Kat: "Guess so, buddy."
SPOOFE: "So how come you never have sex with me? Sex is supposed to be evil, isn't it?"
Kat: "Only if you enjoy it."
SPOOFE: "So let's go!"

"I don't do assholes." -Kat

"I just slept with you. Don't give me that attitude." -Kat

"I like men. I like their smell, their arms, their penises...I like men." -TechChick68, SDMB

"I wouldn't touch her with your dick and [Flip] pushing." -Robert

"I'm not a klutz, I'm the Great American Idiot." -Flip

"We must develop the glow-in-the-dark uterus." -SPOOFE

"All hail ClogCock, 50 Metric Centimeters of Cold Hard Man Meat." -Coldfire, SDMB

"Phenomneon: The Undertaker wearing a strip club sign around his neck." -Brian

SPOOFE: "When I'm online, I am POWERFUL!!!"
Brian: "And when you're off?"
SPOOFE: "I'm a wuss."

Brian: "I look at our roster, and I wonder who was inspired by who."
SPOOFE: "Well, apparently a lot of them were inspired by Joseph Smith..."

"It's not a lard bikini." -Flip

"I like it if anybody fantasizes about me sexually, even the governor of Texas." -Brian

"Does anybody see the irony of supposedly tolerant and inclusive liberals who are apparently unable to bear the views of a conservative?" -UncleBeer, SDMB

"Don’t you have a Kia to play with?" -Gene (to Chris)

Lonnie: "Gene’s concerned that the cast isn’t working together as a unit."
Chris: "Yeah, that’s because we hate each other."

SPOOFE: "What’s that in your pocket, Batman?"
Chris: "My Bat-a-dick."

"Insert penis A into cat B." -SPOOFE

SPOOFE: "I thought we killed him."
Brian: "That doesn’t mean he has to be dead."

"I need either food or sex within the next hour or I’m going to collapse." -Mark Hein

"See a pair of breasts and eyes and you disappear from the whole damn theatre." -Mark Hein

"I keep hearing the word ‘penis.’ There’re a couple verbs and adjectives in there, but it’s all just ‘Penis, penis, penis...’" -Mike

"If you were to cough, sneeze, burp, yawn, fart, and orgasm at the same time, would you explode?" -SPOOFE

"Only a man could talk about ‘one fucking second.’" -Mark Hein

"This is almost erotic." -Brian, about the Powerpuff Girls

"I bet the Powerpuff Girls would be good in bed." -Chris

"Wouldn’t the Powerpuff Girls look cute with dilated sphincters blowing cum bubbles?" -Chris

"Oh, get your hand off your dick, man, there are better candidates for horniness running around out there." -SPOOFE

"An Imperial Star Destroyer beats the pants off of some lil' hocus-pocusing nerd any day." -SPOOFE

SPOOFE: "You'd look kinda cute holding a cup of 'cino and tapping away at a keyboard."
Brian: "Thats sweet, Jeff, but how cute would I look with a gun in my mouth and blood and brains all over the screen?"
SPOOFE: "Oh, so cute I'd masturbate over your corpse."

SPOOFE: "Want a bite of my sandwich?"
Corny: "Judging how you reacted after getting it, it’s hard to tell if that white stuff is mayo or your own secret sauce."

“God has no power over my clit.” –Kia 

THAT’S Jimmy Steele?!?” –Brian (with the utmost of incredulity) 

Paula: "Okay, everyone, roll your eyes!"
Emily: "Quick, Flip, tell a joke!"

Aaron: "I've been typecast as the hopeless whining romantic that doesn't get any."
SPOOFE: "It's not 'typecast' if that's what you are in real life."
Flip: "Oooh… that comment was as cold as Aaron's pants!"

“You had a relationship with something that says ‘Thank you, come again’?” –Emily

“It’s like certain people at this school: They think they’re funny, but they’re not.” –Bif (winning the Irony Of The Year Award) 

“I mistook you for an ugly woman when you did that the first time!” -Flip

"My friend is looking at the quote list… She's reacting with shock and horror." -Brian

"Zippy is in desperate need of a hormone check." -Brian

"Testicles EXUDE sarcasm, bitterness, and cynicism. The only organs that exude more sarcasm, bitterness, and cynicism are ovaries." -SPOOFE

"Oh my God!! You fucked so hard you traveled back in time!!" -SPOOFE

"Was that an esophagus I just felt?" -Chris

"Well, being fucking up the ass by a cock that's 2 inches in diameter would also change your levels of sexual pain." -Kia

"You need more Kia sex-quotes. The WORLD needs more Kia sex-quotes, Goddammit!" -Kia

SPOOFE: "Have you ever played Command & Conquer 2? There's this one Russian babe that's so-o-o-o nice… she's wearing this skintight bodysuit… it's black… where's the bathroom?!?"
Brian: "I'm not sure I want to tell you…"
SPOOFE: "Well, it's either there or here."
Brian: "Down the hall! DOWN THE HALL!!!"

"He's touching me… in a place… where he's not allowed to touch!!" -Brian

(About individual McDonald's franchises) "They probably import their mold from the same source." -Mike

"That's the sort of thing that gives lighting designers' boners." -Mike

"Can you imagine Trish [Stratus] doing a bulldog?" -Brian

 “Flip couldn’t kick his own ass.” –Chris 

Chris: “Still, my wardrobe is pretty cool.”
SPOOFE: “Does yours include a harpoon?”
Chris: “Does a harpoon count as ‘wardrobe?’”
SPOOFE: “Yeah, if you wear it.”
Chris: “Well… I have a rapier.”
SPOOFE: “Yeah? Well… I have a cutlass.”
Chris: “Umm… um… I have a Fender Stratocaster!”
SPOOFE: “Damn! Uh… I… have an AMD Duron 700 Mhz processor, 256 megs of RAM, Soundblaster Live! sound card, GeForce-2 video card, and 30 gigabytes of hard drive space!”
Chris: “I have a 7-inch penis.”
SPOOFE: ::Spasms and thrashes around in defeat::

Turner’s Outdoorsman is a fine chain store specializing in the best in semi-automatic weaponry, devastating high-powered rifles, dual-action shotguns, single-action shotguns.. and a fine line of fishing equipment.” –Chris 

SPOOFE: “Why are we talking about the physics of a cum bubble?”
Chris: “Because it’s us.”

“Great pussies think alike.” -Brian  

“He's the moviest mover that's ever moved." -Mike (about Tim Abad)

Flip: "Aaron Samuels won 'Mr. Chaminade.'"
SPOOFE: "Watch my apathy run rampant."
Flip: "Oh my God! It just destroyed Tokyo!… Not that you'd care…"

"I feel bad for failing Valorie's class because she's always telling me how smart she thinks I is." - Chris

"Only a gun nut like me could see the phrase 'Butt Plate' and not burst into giggles." -SPOOFE

Brian Lewis: "A man has a positive part and a negative part, while a woman has two negative parts."
SPOOFE: "I consider them to be positive parts, myself…"

SPOOFE: "Oh, I'm a terrible, terrible person, I am."
Flip: "If you weren't, you wouldn't be the oh-so-loveable SPOOFE."

"SPOOFE: Is there anything he can't do?" - Mercutio, SDMB

"Happiness is a kilo of C4." - Johnny L.A., SDMB

SPOOFE: "You're so deprived."
Heloise: "You're so depraved."

"I need sex… it doesn't have to be good." - Gene

"He's got grapefruits the size of watermelons." - Brian (about Vince McMahon)

"I can hear a nipple a mile away." - Chris

"As long as something goes into something, it's a successful date." - SPOOFE

"Jeff, your maturity is showing again." - Gene

"If I was to say 'nipple' right now, would anyone be able to hear me?… Oh, hi, Neil!" - Chris (into a headset)

"Jeff, you remind me of my ex-wife." - Gene

Brian: "I don't want to know how you know that."
SPOOFE: "You know how I know that."
Brian: "I know I know how you know that!"

"Never underestimate the power of a horny bastard." - David Hallbauer

Flip: "Not all Jews are like Bryan Cohen… just look at Aaron Samuels."
SPOOFE: "Do I have to?"

"Jeff… one, I love you… two, fuck you!" - Pat

"Here's Brian seeing Janet Reno naked on a cold day… and here's Brian seeing Elian Gonzales getting butt-raped by a stag." - Chris

SPOOFE: "Too bad you're 20… there're no more roles for you in the Child Porn industry."
Chris: "Sure there are."
SPOOFE: "Not as the child."
Chris (slyly): "I know."

Chris: "She thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread."
SPOOFE: "What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?"
Chris: "I dunno… I think it was the toilet."
SPOOFE: "Ah, yes… the toilet…"

SPOOFE: "Chris should go into the porn industry."
Mike: "He can do that… how many inches you got?"
Chris: "Seven."
Mike: "You can get into porn… just get one of those pumps, they'll pay you more if you have eight."

"You stick out like a sore thumb… see, Chris, you're like that woman with erect nipples in the wet T-shirt… except in a manly way." - Mike

"I'd probably give up sex to see Meryl Streep do anything." - Gene

Corny: "Flip listened to Hootie? Was he sexually abused?"
SPOOFE: "Yes. By a goat."
Corny: "I dunno... I think the rift in his ass may have been caused by an elephant."

Chris: "Jeff, Brian has gone bye-bye."
Brian: "Brian no bye-bye!"

"It's either a terrorist attack or Christopher's balls exploding." - Brian

"Chris, your sexual whatever is giving me a sexual… whatever." - Brian

"Jeff, I've never met a Conservative who acted anything like you." - Chris

"I topped Jeff with Casey's penis!" - Kia

Gene: "A lot of people were missing last time… I forgot about the 'high holy days.'"
Student: "There's another one next Thursday."
Gene: "Jeez… can't you guys do it on Monday or Wednesday?"

"I wallow in your sexual juices." - Gil

"When she's asleep, chloroform her, take her clothes off, take pictures… then pretend that the dog did it." - Chris

"She could make even Mr. Hauca aroused." - Chris

Chris: "I used to think I was having flashbacks."
SPOOFE: "Maybe… do I look like a beer can with a cow's head?"
Chris: "Not today."

SPOOFE: "You're not going to stab me, are you, Scott?"
Scott: "I don't think it would do anything."

SPOOFE: "So, why didn't you help?"
Corny: "Because I was busy breaking up with my girlfriend."
SPOOFE: "Bitter?"
Corny: "No, SPOOFE, I'm not bitter. I'm happy. I'm so happy, like a little leprechaun wearing a green tutu because I'm so happy… with pink balloons, because I'm so freaking happy! No, SPOOFE, I'm not bitter."

"That boy has his hand down his pants more than Al Bundy." - Scott (about Chris)

"Take my ovaries… please." - Kia

"I think I'm beginning to really like red hair... t'hell with this 'blonde' shit." - SPOOFE

Kia: "Sigh…"
SPOOFE: "Yeah, that's what I said. Except mine sounded more like 'Hahahahahahaha!'"

"Over the summer, every day was 'Fuck Friday'… when I got back here, it's like every day is Thursday." - Mike

"Tell him he has to be getting sex before he can give it up… and if he gives RoZsa as an example, that's not sex. That's bestiality." - Scott

"Oh no, I have tits on my thighs!" - Kathi

"People do such weird things at Courtney Waters' house." - Brian

"I got a big piece of wood." - Corny

SPOOFE: "You let my imagination run wild."
Kathi: "I didn't let it run wild… it went out on its own, kicking and screaming and biting the whole way."

"Good God, I feel like Bif." - Flip

"Chris, you suck at foreplay… stick it in already." - Erin

Chris: "Eh… what's a half-an-inch?"
Gene: "Heh… story of my life, I don't know about yours."

"You dream about [the ants] too? Those're cool." - Scott

"Mike, I need you to help me make a giant penis." - Gil

"I would so give hand-jobs for crack." - Silver Fire, SDMB

"I wanted some hardcore raunchy sex." - JavaMaven1, SDMB

Natalie: [Disney Movies] put her in her happy place."
Chris: "I thought her happy place was when she…"
Brian: "No, they're her happy sober place."

"Mike, I want to hump you." - Scott

"I fling poo." - Chris

"What's so booby about me, besides my boobs?" - Kia

"He offered me a taste of his squirt." - Alissa

"You're not clearing your ass!" - Chris

"The crazy girl's doing something stupid again." - Scott

SPOOFE: "You know how Kia gets when she loses interest."
Chris: "Yeah, she turns over."

Chris: "Gene's gonna hate the idea."
Brian: "Why's that?"
Chris: "Gene hates every idea!"

Scott: "First, let me ask you a serious question… can I take a leak in the middle of the street?"
Flip: "You don't need my permission."
Scott: (Begins taking a leak)
Flip: "This is a beautiful moment."

Brian: "I'm not walking anywhere near that spot ever again."
Scott: "Why not?"
Brian: "'Cuz you pissed in it!"

"You look down and see Scott's piss on the asphalt, and you look up and the stars are out tonight." - Flip

Flip: "I imagine Brandon burns a lot."
Chris: "Yup… it's the gonorrhea."

"I got a new pair of panties." - Chris

Erin: "You just took ten minutes off your life."
Brian: "That's ten minutes I would have spent dying anyway."
Erin: "How many cigarettes have you smoked?"
Brian: "Oh, shit, I dunno."
Erin: "Well, think of all that time you could have spent having sex or something."

"Erin, stop caring about Brian and help me finish the quote!" - SPOOFE

SPOOFE: "Wouldn't you give handjobs for crack?"
Erin: (Shakes head)
SPOOFE: "What would you give handjobs for?"
Brian: "The hell of it?"

"Erin, where's the penis sugar?" - Flip

"Jeff, your pants lizard is in my boobs." - Kia

"The cart's gonna tip over and I'm gonna crack my head and I'm gonna look like JFK!" - Erin

"You're acting like the girl that won't put out." - Erin

"I gotta go home and douche." - Brian

"Brian's our resident 'dick-in-a-jar.'" - Kia

"Chris, tell your story later… this is important, I wanna get drunk." - Mike

"No matter how you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants." - Chris

SPOOFE: "This is like Auschwitz."
Gil: "This is Gene-schwitz."

"I'm gonna go talk to Erin… she's more fun than blender babies." - Flip

"Let me clue you in, Jeff… sex is really fun." - Gil

"I can only fit one butt cheek." - Erin

"I can't tell you how many times I've been de-virginized, in more ways than one." - Julie

"She's touching me in my private place!" - Erin

"I'm gonna rub balls. I'M GONNA RUB ALL THE BALLS IN THIS ROOM." - Mike

Brian: "You fiend! You slimey, disgusting fiend!"
SPOOFE: "You're attracted to me, aren't you?"
Brian: "Desperately!"

"Ow! My nipple!" - Chris

"That's a head in the boob." - Erin

SPOOFE: "I have a theory that when you die, you continue living that exact instant for all eternity."
Erin: "Gee, with that in mind, I hope I die while having sex or something."

"I just wanted to blow you once." - Alissa

"Dude, they can't have sex without me… shit." - Mike

"He's got SKH… Sperm Retention Headache." - Alissa

Alissa: "Oops, didn't mean to grab your boob, there."
Erin: "That's okay, it excited me!"

"You smell like old cheese, dude, I swear." - Scott Goldstein, to Brian

"I've often thought about donating sperm just because I'd get paid $50 to jack off in a cup." - Flip

"People have hair on their elbows. I bet Robin Williams has hair on his elbows, he's a hairy motherfucker." - Brian

"Throbbing… breast? Jeff… fondling self - I need a cigarette." - Brian

"If I were alive in Germany at the time, one look at my nose and I'd be exterminated." - Flip

Peter: "How do we know who the right woman is?"
SPOOFE: "If they sleep with you."

SPOOFE: "At least my head isn't covered in hair dye."
Flip: "At least… my body… isn't covered in… hair."
::much laughter ensues::
Flip: "That was, at the same time, my best and worst comeback ever."

"If the Carebears put me in a concentration camp, I'll never forgive them." - Peter

"Why do people stay home and watch TV when they can be in the same public area as us?" - Flip

Flip: "You're looking at 19 years continuous flow, 20 years continuous flow… what are you on, a couple of weeks?"
Chris: "Ummm… yeah."
Flip: "Build up some resistance, Junior!"

Steve Alpert: "Boys, do we have to separate you two?"
SPOOFE: "You'd have to separate me from myself."
Steve: "This can be arranged."

Peter: "Y'know, she shaves her arms."
Flip (wide-eyed): "That's wonderful!"

Chris: "So I was meditating naked the other day…"
SPOOFE: "That's called 'masturbation.'"

SPOOFE: “You’re sick and twisted in the way that you think midgets raping children is funny.”
Chris: “Heh… heh, heh… hee hee hee hehehehehehehe, hehehehehe-hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe…! It’s funny because they’re both small!”

“Make a play where I’m the voice of reason, and it’s really stupid reason.” – Flip

“It looks like a really unhealthy nipple.” – Flip

“I left it to my sense of direction and that was my mistake.” – Flip

Peter: “It’s constructive criticism!”
Brian: “Saying that I have an oddly shaped ass is not constructive criticism!”

Flip: “Aw, Jeff!”
Brian: “What’s wrong, Flip?… Aw, Jeff!”

Flip: “There’s a lot of artificial homo-eroticism in this group.”
Tanya: “That’s what happens with a bunch of guys who don’t have girlfriends.”

Peter: “Jeff, you don’t turn Brian on, I’m sorry.”
SPOOFE: “Yes, but nekkid wimmin eating each other out do.”
Peter: “No, Brian’s frigid.”

(Upon seeing a picture of Emmanuel Lewis) “Hehe… look, it’s the Anti-Chris!” – Peter

“You’re not grabbing anything… you’re missin.’” – Flip (to Kia)

SPOOFE: “Chris’s penis is like one of Wolverine’s claws.”
Flip: “AAAHHH! I just drew the Wolverine parallel! That means his dick goes ‘snikt!’ when he gets a boner!”
Chris: “Yeah… I have an adamantium penis.”

“I’m gonna go home and masturbate… get out of my car.” – Flip

“I don’t want to smoke shnookums!” – Brian

SPOOFE: “I’m not talking to you guys anymore!”
Scott Goldstein: “Thank God!”

“She came and sat in my lap and told me to touch her… what was I supposed to do?” – Chris

Flip: “There is a time and a place for insulting me!”
Chris Jensen: “This seems like a pretty good time… it’s a big group.”

“We should just graft a podium onto [Chris’s] chest.” – SPOOFE

“You think that if we ignored [Chris] for a day, he’ll get shorter?” – Chris Jensen

“You’re not drunk, you can’t do that kind of stuff.” – Chris Jensen (to SPOOFE)

Flip: “Can we have a moment of silence?”
SPOOFE: “Not with Chris around.”

“I have achieved bread!” – Flip

“Flip… destroy him.” - Brian

Kia: “I can’t believe I found that sexy.”
Chris: “Yeah… probably because I had my finger in your clit at the time.”

Chris: “Here’s a quarter… go buy yourself some class!”
Peter: “Ooh, I’m gonna use it for laundry.”

“So, apparently, it’s disgusting to be attracted to me but not a member of the Third Reich that killed a million people?!?” – Flip

Scott: “Plastic is no match for the real thing, baby.”
Denise: “You don’t need to tell me!”

Brian: “So I got an E-mail from Natalie.”
Chris: “Yeah, me too.”
SPOOFE (snivelling): “I didn’t!”
Brian: “Do I have to slap you?!?”
Chris: “Ah, it’s good to be home…”

“I was feeling frisky so I went to relieve myself, and I forgot how cool it was, how awesome it was, when you’re stoned.” – Chris

“You just can’t find a good wasteland these days.” – Chris

“I left feeling like I had been raped by Brad Pit… I didn’t really want to, but, I didn’t really mind.” – Kia

Aimee: “It ain’t fuckin’ 1952 anymore.”
SPOOFE: “It isn’t? Where’ve I been?”
Aimee: “You’ve been Mormon.”

“I would so drink coffee if it were made out of Native Americans.” – Peter

“I had a big cock once.” – Natalie

“Scott, you’re assuming that he can be reasonable and rational, but he can’t. It’s like a foreign concept to him. He’s like the Palestinians in that regard.” – SPOOFE

“Did he have no penis when you met him, did you take it away, or did he lose it somewhere along the way?” – Joey

“Midgets aren’t a race, they’re mistakes!” – Brian or Peter

“You beat the hell out of sodomy any day.” – Flip (to SPOOFE)

SPOOFE: “My kingdom for a gun! ::pff pff::”
Chris: “That doesn’t rhyme with ::pff::!”

“Nah, I really like the big dick.” – SPOOFE

SPOOFE: “But you don’t give her paychecks or let her perform on stage in front of 3000 people.”
Chris: “But I have a 7-inch penis.”

“Don’t throw ketchup at the truth!” – Flip

Kia: “Eh… hair’s overrated.”
Chris: “Yeah, look at Brian… oh, wait, I was supposed to think that!”

“I’ve forgotten how the alphabet goes…” – Chris

“I’m gonna call ya ‘Nipple’ from now on… ‘Cuz when I rub ya, you perk up and get happy.” – SPOOFE

SPOOFE: “So we’ll have it so it’s me vs. me, you vs. you, and Chris vs. Kia…”
Flip: “Wow… we’ll all be fightingour girlfriends.”

Kia: “Brian doesn’t think in science fiction.”
SPOOFE: “Brian thinks in current modern philosophy.”
Chris: “I think in cotton candy.”

“Good ol’ Firecrotch Harris.” – Flip

“Thank you, Mr. Penis Science Man!” – Flip

SPOOFE: “How big is his penis?”
Flip: “Big feet!”

“I have a cat named Dildo!” – SPOOFE

“Don’t say the word ‘hardon’ when you’re holding me like that!” – SPOOFE

Joe: “At what point does it stop being a ‘little loving?’”
Nina: “Well, when they’re humping.”

“The Denny’s waitress contributed to pain in my head.” – Flip

“Am I still whispering? Tell me if I stop whispering.” – Drunk Peri

“Don’t do it for me! Do it for the bedbugs!” – Dana

“Revenge is like buffalo wings… best served with ranch.” – Steve Pierson

Flip: “Well, scientifically, what do you call the whole thing?”
Peri: “Pussy?”

“Get off of me!… or get me off, one of the two.” – SPOOFE

Flip: “I picture him as being one of those people who over-enjoys being in a very simplistic, yet slightly out of the ordinary place.”
SPOOFE: “Yeah, like a pink McDonald’s.”
Flip: “No, I was thinking more along the lines of a ditch.”

“Wanna see pictures of my dick?” – Lewis (always a charmer)

“Where are we gonna get Crazy Homeless Shirts?” – SPOOFE

“I think I would be a funky corpse.” – Flip

“Sex even makes pizza better.” – Chris

“Whelp, they smell good.” – Chris, about Pringles

“We’re having dirty, raunchy sex… stuff is squirting everywhere.” – SPOOFE

“Burn cigarette penis!” – Flip

“Shake those pixels, baby!” – SPOOFE

“I am the Big Bang Theory!” – Chris

“Marky Mark did okay for himself, why couldn’t Doug E. Doug?” – Chris

“I’m having a chemical reaction to all the wal-cohol that I just drank.” – Chris

“I have pants on so it’s okay to sleep with me.” – Flip


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