Star Wars

Episode 1.414

The Tampon Menace


The Republic Cruiser Radiation VII approached the planet Booboo, a small peaceful planet forever dedicated to the arts of picnicking. Unfortunately, the incredibly stupid Bifmodian Spayed Federation have decided to use the planet Booboo as the site of their Grand Magic: The Gathering Competition, and the people of Booboo absolutely refuse to allow the accursed influence of Magic to sully their beautiful planet. The Bifmodians, of course, were enraged... though they were planning to invade the planet anyway, they considered it the height of insult to deny their sacred Magic.

So they set up this real big blockade with their huge Bifmodian Cheese Freighter and army of postal droids and Energizer bunnies. They just keep going and going and going and going... Not very threatening, no, but neither is Bif.... er, I mean, the Bifmodians aren’t very threatening. Anyway, the Boobooans are blockaded, the Bifmodians are morons... um, what else do I need to talk about to present the plot of this story? Oh, yes, the Republic Cruiser. The Radiation VII came within hailing distance of one of the Cheese Freighters. The pilot keyed the comm (no Becky jokes, please).

"This is the Republic Cruiser Radiation VII. We are a diplomatic vessel. We wish to set up some peace talks."

The Bifmodian consulate smiled hospitably. "We always look forward to peace, of course. We are transmitting landing data for you now."

The Radiation VII headed towards the large docking area and set down. The two ambassadors walked off the ship as a protocol droid walked up.

"Follow me, ambassadors," the droid said. "I will show you to the conference room."

The two cloaked and hooded figures followed after the protocol droid. The ship was huge, but they still got to the conference room in less than seven seconds. The two cloaked figures stood in the middle of the room, striking a dramatic image. Slowly, they drew their hoods back to reveal themselves; Jedi Master Qui-SPOOFE Jinn, and his apprentice, Kia-Wan Kenobi.

"Master, will these peace talks work?" Kia asked. "And do I have to call you master?"

"I’m supposed to hope that the peace talks will work," SPOOFE answered. "And, no, you don’t have to call me Master. You can call me ultrasexy pimp-daddy, though."

"Um, no," Kia responded. "Anyway, it should be just about time for them to have identified us as Jedi and they should be taking moves to kill us now."


"We’ve identified them as Jedi and we should be taking moves to kill them now!"


On the bridge of the Bifmodian Cheese Freighter, the Consulate looked over his shoulder to his security chief. "What are you talking about?"

The hologram in front of the Consulate, the image of Darth Caseous, spoke slowly. "If there are Jedi here, they must be killed immediately. They could destroy all of my plans."

The Consulate nodded. "We have certain security measures in place for unwanted guests like that."

"Well, by all means, implement them," Darth Caseous said.


"Okay, they’re going to try to kill us now," SPOOFE said. "I can feel it through the power of the... of the... um... uh..."

"What’s the matter?" Kia asked.

"I’m trying to come up with a good parody of ‘The Force’, like The Schwartz, or something like that."

"Dude," Kia said, rather aggravated. "Let’s just call it The Force and get on with the rest of the story. I mean, you’ve already called us Jedi Knights."

"No, I called you a Jedi Knight. I happen to be a Jedi Master. But I see your point. Okay, okay... *ahem*... ‘I can feel it through the power of the Force’. How was that?"

"Just fine," Kia responded. "*Ahem*... ‘What do you think they will do, Master?’"

"Oh, I dunno. I suppose we’ll find out."

Suddenly, the door to the conference room slid open and Barney the Purple Dinosaur ran in, shouting in a loud annoying voice.

"Quick, Kia!" SPOOFE shouted. "Create a Force protection bubble!!"

The two of them erected (don’t start, Flip) a sphere of protection. The noise Barney was making reflected away from them. Unfortunately, the circuits and conduits built into the walls couldn’t take much stress, and began to spark. Soon, the room was filled with thick, grey smoke that prevented anyone from seeing more than an inch in front of their face. But SPOOFE could feel Barney’s Dark Side presence through the Force; he approached the Purple Dinosaur, ignited his lightsaber (which happened to have a Trapezoidal Ifrazel colored blade) and sliced Barney to little tiny chunks of Purple Dinosaur meat. The pieces of Barney wiggled and squirmed a bit.

Outside the door, a legion of Postal Droids had gathered, just in case Barney hadn’t killed the two Jedi (not likely, the Bifmodians thought, but miracles can happen). They slid the doors open; thick smoke poured out. The protocol droid, who’s circuits were wrecked during the Barney Attack, ran from the room, shouting out unintelligible Spanish. The postal droids held their guns pointed at the doorway; two lightsaber blades ignited, one of them Trapezoidal Ifrazel and the other one Puce. The droids began firing; the blades whirled and danced, reflecting the blasts back to the shooters. Droids fell left and right, but that didn’t matter much; their were hundreds of ‘em. After a while, SPOOFE and Kia got tired of standing there blocking laser blasts; they jumped forward, swinging their lightsabers. Now only pieces of the droids fell left and right.


"Are they dead yet?" the Bifmodian Consulate asked.

"Um, no," the security chief said. "They’ve killed seventeen thousand of our postal droids..."

"No big loss."

"... and two of our Energizer bunnies."

"No!!! It’s not possible!! What’ll we do?!?"

The security chief shook his head. "Uh, I dunno. Have you ever encountered a convenience store clerk before?"

The Consulate looked at the security chief with a confused look. "What do convenience store clerks have to do with anything?"

"I don’t know... but I suddenly have a hankering for some twinkies. If you need me, I’ll be down in the mall."

The security chief began to walk to the bridge doorway, when suddenly the tip of a Trapezoidal Ifrazel-colored lightsaber blade poked its’ way through. The heavy durasteel door dripped molten metal as the lightsaber sliced through like a cold knife through frozen butter (that is, it went really slowly).

"Close the blast doors!!" the Consulate yelled. The much thicker blast doors slammed shut. Just then, a squad of stormtroopers ran in and crashed into the blast doors.

"Open the blast door! Open the blast door!" the lead stormtrooper said.

"No, no!" the Consulate yelled. "You’re in the wrong freakin’ episode!"

"Oh, well sor-ree!" the stormtrooper said. The squad walked off, slowly, dragging their blaster rifles.

Outside the doorway, SPOOFE slid his lightsaber farther into the durasteel plates as Kia stood en guarde a few feet away. SPOOFE resumed slicing the door open just as a pair of Annoyer droids bounced down the hallway. The droids, shaped like large bouncing beach balls at first, transformed into circus clowns with big laser blasters on their arms. They shifted into attack mode, activated their small defense shield generators and began firing blast after blast at the two Jedi.

SPOOFE pulled his lightsaber out of the wall to assist Kia with blocking the blasts. "We can’t beat them here," SPOOFE said. "Follow me." The two backed down the corridor, away from the two droids.


Down in the huge hangar of the Cheese Freighter, large landing ships were being prepped for the invasion force. Qui-SPOOFE Jinn and Kia-Wan Kenobi dropped out of a laundry chute and landed behind crates full of clam chowder.

"We must get down to the planet and reach the Queen," SPOOFE said.

"Let’s sneak aboard one of those landing ships," Kia suggested. "We can hide our presence with the Force."

"I know that," SPOOFE said, mildly annoyed.

"Well, I was just pointing it out for the audience," Kia replied.

"Ah, okay," SPOOFE said.

So the two of them sneaked aboard a landing ship and allowed it to carry them down to the surface.


On the surface, they managed to get out of the landing ship somehow. They were walking through the forest when a huge herd of animals ran past them. They ran, too, because it looked cool for them to be running amidst a whole bunch of computer-generated animals, even though this is just a story written down on paper and they’ve yet to make it into a multi-million dollar movie. But try to use your imagination. Anyway, they’re running, and running, and running a bit more. Suddenly they trip over a weird looking dude; he’s definitely CG, though. You can tell because he’s so cartoony looking.

"Whoosa!" the weird dude said. "Mesa donn tinksus thassat youvadiguysses essa nisses!"

"Dude, talk normally," Kia said.

"Yeah," SPOOFE added, "it’s hard writing dialogue when you talk like that."

"Okay, okay," the weird dude said. "Fine. Anyway, I’m JJ Binks. I’m from the Gimpgan city. It’s underwater."

"Okay, JJ," Kia said. "How about you help us get to the Queen of the Booboo?"

"All right," JJ said. "This way." JJ jumped into a little tiny puddle of water and disappeared. SPOOFE and Kia followed him. The puddle transformed into a huge watery area as soon as they submerged. The Gimpgan city was visible sever hundred meters away. SPOOFE and Kia stuck their rebreathers into their mouths and swam after JJ. They swam up to one of the underwater bubble thingies and passed right through.

"Hey!" JJ said. "Give us a sub!"

"Okay," someone else said, and tossed a sandwich at him.

"Not that kind of sub!" JJ said. "The underwater kind."

"Oh, okay," someone else said, and tossed some keys at him. "Just be back before nine."


So the trio took off in the Gimpgan sub to the palace in the capitol city of Theed. They had some pretty cool adventures, but I’m too lazy to write them down. They resurfaced in a small lake near the palace. They jumped out and ran to the throneroom.

"Whoa, whoa, where do you think you’re going?" a guard said.

"We want to see the queen," SPOOFE said.

"Oh, okay." He opened the door. "You may enter the audience of.... Queen Kathadala."

Queen Kathadala was sitting on her throne, looking rather sexy in her ornate royal robes.

"What is it you wished to see me for?" Kathadala said.

"We have to get you off of Booboo and to Coruscant so you can persuade the Galactic Senate to help defend Booboo," SPOOFE said quickly.

"Okay," Kathadala said. "Let’s go! Summon my handmaidens!"

The handmaidens, led by a very beautiful young woman (who just happened to be short and blonde) named Katmé Strawberry, marched into the room.

"Handmaidens!" Kathadala said. "We’re leaving!"

"Again?" Kat asked.

"Yup. Pack up the ship and we can go."

So it was that the Royal Starship of Queen Kathadala was loaded up with the two brave, fearless, and incredibly sexy Jedi, the queen and her handmaidens, JJ Binks, a few other dudes, and the queens wardrobe, over seventy-seven thousand tons of clothing. The sleek (yet weaponless... fah!) starship took off from the Theed hangar and launched into space.

The Bifmodian Cheese Freighter moved into an intercept course and began firing its’ heavy laser weaponry at it. The blasts missed horribly except for one which hit the shield projector in the wing.

"Mayday! Mayday!" the pilot called out. "Our shields are down! Another lucky shot, and we’ll be dead!!"

Below decks, in the droid bay, all the astromech droids rolled into the repair chute. They appeared on the top of the ship and rolled out to the ruined patch of hull. They began to facilitate repairs, but the little droids kept getting hit with turbolaser blasts. J3-NR watched as her companions got pounded into space dust.

"This kind of sucks," J3-NR thought to herself, but continued working. She inserted (shut up, Flip!) the loose wire back into the correct socket, and the shields came back online. Everyone cheered.


Aboard the Bifmodian Cheese Freighter...

"But, Lord Caseous, we cannot find the Jedi anywhere."

Darth Caseous’s hologram sat at the head of the meeting table. "This could ruin all of our plans. I’m going to send someone to help."

Behind Darth Caseous, the hologram of a tall, lanky, and satanic looking figure materialized. "This is my apprentice, Darth Spooge. He will find the Jedi and deal with them. You just keep the planet secured."


Back on board the Queen’s Royal Starship...

"This is the droid that repaired the shields?" Kathadala asked, looking at J3-NR.

"Yes, your majesty," SPOOFE said.

Jen, inside the cylindrical droid casing, lifted the astromech head off the body and looked up at SPOOFE. "Jeff, why do I have to be the stupid droid?" she asked.

SPOOFE looked down at her. "Sh! Quiet! You’re going to spoil the story! And it’s SPOOFE, not Jeff."

"But it’s hot in here!" Jen said. "And I’m losing feeling in my legs! And I need to use the bathroom! And did I mention that it’s hot in here?"

SPOOFE sighed. "Fine, fine, fine.... come on out of there."

Jen sighed. "Thank you!" She jumped out of the J3-NR droid costume and stretched.

Kia also sighed. "You do know that this’ll ruin the rest of the story."

"Ah, who cares?" SPOOFE asked. "I’m just making it up as I go along anyway."

"*Ahem*!" Kathadala cleared her throat. "Speaking of the story, can we please get back to it now?!?"

SPOOFE shook his head. "Sheesh, Kat, what crawled up your shorts? I’d have thought giving you two parts in my story would make you satisfied... but I guess not."

Kia smacked SPOOFE upside the head. "You’re screwing up the story, you moron!!"

"Sorry, sorry...."

Back to Queen Kathadala. "So, droid— er, person— er, whatever," she said to Jen, "what is your designation."

"Um, I don’t know about designation or anything," Jen said, "but my name’s Jen."

"Okay, Jen, you saved our ship, so we’ll reward you." Kathadala stuck a hand into her pocket and pulled out a small slip of paper. "Here you go... a 2-for-1 discount at Willy’s Dry Cleaners."

"Yay!!" Jen cheered, and hugged the coupon tightly.


A few hours later, SPOOFE walked into the lower cargo hold of the ship. Kia was standing there, leaning against the wall.

"Hey, what’s up?" SPOOFE asked.

"We’ve got a problem," Kia said, and gestured over to the hyperdrive, then waved a small booklet. "According to the script, that’s supposed to stop working."

SPOOFE looked over at the hyperdrive, back at Kia, and back at the hyperdrive again. He shrugged, lifted a leg, and gave the hyperdrive a good solid kick. That broke something, and not just his foot. The whole ship shuddered, then dropped out of hyperspace.

"What the hell just happened?!?" a voice yelled.

"Hyperdrive broke!" Kia yelled back.

"Oh, great!" the voice yelled again. "Chewie, bring me the hydrospanners!"

SPOOFE gritted his teeth. "Dagnammit, wrong episode!"

"Okay, okay!! Yeesh...."


Anyway, the hyperdrive was busted, and they had to set down to facilitate repairs; so they headed for the planet Splatooine, a vast dessert... I mean, desert... planet. Mmm..... dessert..... I’m gonna go get some cake.... be right back... ah, cake... anyway, they landed in the desert just a few kilometers on the outskirts of Mos Viagra.

The were walking along the streets until they came to a junk shop. Inside they found (Cameo alert! Cameo alert!) Mike Paglione. He was sitting there with (Another cameo alert! Another cameo alert!) Sam Boxleitner.

"Hey, Sam, Mike, "SPOOFE said as he entered the shop. Kia, Jen, and Kat all swooned.

"Hey, wuzzup Jef— uh, I mean, SPOOFE?" Sam asked.

"Technically, we’re here to get our hyperdrive repaired, but this is also where we’re supposed to pick up Flip, too, and he starts following us around."

"Oh, yeah," Mike said. "*Ahem*... ‘if you want a new hyperdrive it’ll cost you. I have the only available hyperdrive in Mos Viagra.’ How’s that?"

"Not bad," SPOOFE replied. "‘We have fifty-thousand Republic credits.’"

"That’s not good enough," Mike said.

"Yes it is," SPOOFE said, waving his finger.

"No, it isn’t."

"Yes, it is."

"No it isn’t. Why’re you waving your finger around? You think you’re a Jedi Knight or something? I’m Mike! Mind tricks don’t work on me, only sex!"

"I’ll volunteer!!!" Kia, Jen, and Kat all yelled at once.

"Oh, okay then," Mike said. The four of them went into the back. Sam went to operate the video camera. While the five of them were in the back room, SPOOFE sat down on crate and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, he got really impatient. He peeked into a third doorway. "Psst, hey Flip! Hurry up, will ya?"

"I don’t wanna do this, SPOOFE! This is humiliating!" Flip called back.

"Just get your butt out here!"

Grumbling, young Flippikin Skywalker appeared in the main room, a young lad who had a very girlish face.

"Oh, shut up, SPOOFE."

"What? I didn’t even say anything yet!" SPOOFE said.

"Dude, look how you described me!" Flip whined.

SPOOFE sighed. "Anyway.... ‘who are you?’"

"I’m Flippikin Skywalker, the only human in Mos Viagra who can pilot a podracer!"

"I’m happy for you," SPOOFE said.

"Watch!" Flippikin said, and ran out the door.

"Flip, wait!" SPOOFE called after him. But it was too late. Flip jumped into a podracer and took off just as the guy with the checkered flag said Go. Flip maneuvered his way between a few of the other podracers, only to smack head-on into a traffic light. He flew out of the pod, smashed his cranium into the pole and ricocheted back to the junk shop.

"Dude, I told you to wait," SPOOFE said.

"Aunty Em? Is that you?"

"Well, you remember who I am, anyway... do you remember who you are?"

"I’m Batman."

"All right, he’s okay."

At that moment, Mike and his entourage reappeared from the back room. Mike still looked like he could go fifty rounds, but the girls, well... they were pretty damn frazzled. Sam held the tape carefully.

"Whoa, that was pretty amazing, Mike," Sam said.

"Yeah, I know I am," Mike replied, flashing his million-dollar grin.

"Hey, guys," SPOOFE said. "You missed seeing Flippikin crash that podracer out front."

"What?!?" Sam cried, and ran to the window. "No! That was my podracer!!"

"Oops... sorry..." Flip said.

"And it had my guitar in the back!!" Sam broke down and began to sob.

SPOOFE grabbed Flip and gestured to the frazzled ladies. "We’d better go. Mike, it’s been a pleasure."

"Oh, yeah," the three girls said at the same time, half-moaning.


The group was heading for the ship when Flip’s shoe came untied. He stopped to tie it up; SPOOFE stopped a few meters ahead of him to wait. Kia, Jen, and Kat went on ahead to the ship, whispering and giggling amongst themselves.

Flip stood up and began walking towards SPOOFE, when SPOOFE saw the dark-robed, tall, lanky figure zoom up on a small, rounded speeder.

"Flip, get down!" SPOOFE yelled.

Flip stared at SPOOFE for a second, then turned around just in time for the figure on the speeder bike to kick him in the face. Flip flew several dozen feet into the air, then crashed to the ground behind SPOOFE. The figure on the bike leaped into the air, and landed on the ground in front of SPOOFE. He straightened up, up, up, and up some more... then immediately hunched back over again. He reached into his black robes and pulled out a large lightsaber.

"I.... am..... football," he said. "Uh, I mean.... I am Darth Spooge, and it’s time we had our revenge on the Jedi."

Suddenly, Mills Lane appeared out of nowhere. "Okay, I want a good clean fight," he said. "No nose pinching or crotch-kicking. Now, let’s get it on!"

Mills Lane backed away from the two fighters, and they began to circle. They ignited their lightsabers, SPOOFE’s Trapezoidal Ifrazel saber and Darth Spooge’s Fluorescent Green one.

Spooge leapt forward, bringing his lightsaber down towards SPOOFE’s head. SPOOFE blocked the blow, and kicked Spooge in the gut. Spooge tumbled backwards, then jumped up and slashed and twirled his lightsaber. SPOOFE deftly blocked each blow.

"Obi-Wan has taught you well," Darth Spooge said.

"Okay, that’s it!!!!" SPOOFE said. "That’s the wrong freakin’ EPISODE!!!!!!"

SPOOFE slashed at Darth Spooge with mighty force. Spooge blocked the blow, but the impact knocked him backwards several feet. SPOOFE was about to press the attack when he heard someone call behind him.

"The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!"

Confused, both SPOOFE and Spooge turned towards the source of the sound. Over the crest of the nearest sand dune, the Chaminade Eagles were running, pursued by a pack of rabid girl scouts. SPOOFE, deciding that it isn’t wise to be in front of some panicked Chaminade football players (they do have considerable amounts of mass, you know), ran towards the Queen’s Royal Starship, grabbing Flippikin by the underwear as he went. The starship took off towards the stars, leaving Darth Spooge, who wet his black robes as the wall of panicked Chaminade football player meat rushed towards him...


Aboard the Royal Starship...

"Hey, wait a second," SPOOFE said, in the cockpit. "That small moon wasn’t there earlier..."

"That’s no moon," Kia-Wan Kenobi said. "That’s a space station."

SPOOFE scratched his head. "Why the hell is there a Death Star here? This is a parody of Episode ONE, people!!! Ah, well, lemme have the controls. I’m gonna take this baby on a Trench Run!"

"What?!? Are you insane?!?" Flip asked, panicking.

"Why, yes I am," SPOOFE responded. "Now go strap in; we’re approaching the target shaft now."

SPOOFE carefully maneuvered the craft down the Trench, dodging turbolaser blasts, TIE fighters, and giant mutated radioactive testtube babies. He rolled, he dived, he skirted over the surface with such fluid grace! He swung the craft up in a tight loop and pulled through a large glaze donut. He neared the target shaft and launched a large sock into the small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port.

The Death Star exploded behind him, sending a shower of sparks and chimpanzees hurtling thoughout space.

"Okay, okay, done with the acid," SPOOFE said. "We’re off to Coruscant!"

The Queen’s Royal Starship disappeared into hyperspace...


Okay, skip ahead a bit... they landed on Coruscant, the ship is put into docking, everyone disembarks... Queen Kathadala and Katmé headed for the Senate building to plead their case, while Qui-SPOOFE Jinn and Kia-Wan Kenobi took Flippikin Skywalker to the Jedi Council for testing.

Up in the Jedi Council spire, the members of the Council were seated around SPOOFE and Flip. Kia was outside the chamber doors playing with a ball of string. The leader of the Council, Mace Woodglue, was sitting in front of Flip, twirling his handgun and stroking his goatee.

"Use th’ Force, muthah-fuckah," Mace said.

"Okay," Flippikin says. He closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and clenched his muscles. His whole body trembles as he strains to not just "Use the Force", but to "Use the Force". After a few seconds, the effects of the spicy Splatooinian food become evident as the entire council chamber vibrates.

"Holy shit!" Woodglue shouted. He smashed one of the windows open and threw his head outside. "That lil’ bastard’s got one hell of a Force!"

"Thank you," Flippikin said.

Yodel, the oldest Jedi Master on the council, pressed the "Anti-Odor" button (since he was old, he made a lot of funny smells). The stink began to dissipate.

"Dude, that was rank as fuck," Woodglue said. "And I’d love to make you a Jedi just ‘cuz o’ that... but, there are regulations one must follow." He reached behind his chair and pulled out three large boxes. "Fill out these forms in triplicate and return them when you’re done."

Flippikin dragged the boxes outside and began writing.

Okay, since there’s not going to be much going on there, we might as well follow the adventures of Queen Kathadala. She met up with Senator Palpitation, the dude in charge of the sector that Booboo was located in. They had a bunch of boring formalities, then got into the galactic senate chambers to plead the case of the Booboo people.

"Representatives of the Galactic Republic," Kathadala began, "I’ll get right to the point. First off, pass me one of those hotdogs over there."

The hotdog vendor guy tossed a hotdog over to her; she tossed a credit chip back. "Second off," she said between mouthfuls of hotdog, "our planet has been attacked by the Bifmodian Spayed Federation and I want you all to kick their ass for it."

"That’s absurd!" the Bifmodian representative said. "There is absolutely no proof of this!"

"Actually, we have thirty eye-witness accounts and over two-hundred surveillance camera sightings--" began Supreme Chancellor Valium, but stopped when the representative dropped a large bag of money in his lap. "Um... what was I saying? Oh, yeah, there’s absolutely no possible way that the Bifmodian Spayed Federation can possibly be guilty of any wrong-doing."

Suddenly, Senator Palpitation jumped up. "See that, everyone? He just accepted a bribe!!"

As if with one mind, all the senators and aids jumped forward towards Valium’s chair, grabbed him, and dragged him outside. On the way out, they dropped the small sash that read "Supreme Chancellor" on Palpitation’s lap. He grinned.

"There we go," he said to Kathadala. "Now that I’m in charge, maybe things’ll go smoothly. We should have some warships in the Booboo system in a few months or so."

Kathadala’s jaw dropped. "Two months?!?!?!? Are you stupid?!?!?"

"I’m a politician."

"Booboo will be completely destroyed in two months!"

"Yes, but the ships will still be there, so we can kill them there."

"You’re a fool," Kathadala said. "I’ll go back to Booboo and save everyone."

"Yes, well, you do that," Palpitation said. "Me? I have to take over the Republic and set up myself as Emperor now. Good day."


Back at the Jedi Council chamber, Flippikin had finally finished all the paperwork and was back before the Council to have his paperwork reviewed.

"You only have thirteen ounces of navel lint?" Yodel asked, looking at page 439. "Impressive."

"Well, I try," Flip said, grinning smugly.

"Wow, never had a girlfriend?" Yodel said. "You’re perfect Jedi material!"

"Yes," another Council member said, "according to this, you’d probably be the most powerful Jedi in the universe."

"You’d be great! You’d be amazing!"

"Everyone would adhere to your wisdom and guidance!"

Yodel nodded. "Unfortunately, you’re too old to begin training. Too bad."

Flip’s jaw dropped. "What?!? You can’t be serious!"

"In this story? Hardly."

"I filled out all that paperwork, I waited for hours and hours... I even used a public restroom, for crying out loud! A public restroom!!"

"Well, all the same," Yodel said.

"Hey, you little punkass, you arguin’ wit’ Yodel, here?" Woodglue asked, waving his handgun in Flippikin’s direction. "‘Cuz if you is..."

"No, no, that’s perfectly all right," Flippikin said quickly. "Too old, can’t be Jedi, got it."

"Good," Woodglue said. "Now, all o’ you get outta here."


"That sucked," Flippikin said, outside the Council Chamber.

"For you, maybe," SPOOFE said. "I found it funny to watch Samuel L. Jackson try to act like a Jedi Master. And the Yodel muppet looked like crap, too."

Flip gave SPOOFE an odd look. "Well, even so--"

At that moment, Katmé ran up to them. "Come on, you guys, let’s go! We’re heading back to planet Booboo to kill the Bifmodian Spayed Federation!"


The ship managed to get through the Bifmodian blockade easily, because the Bifmodians are stupid. Anyway, they landed in a forest, and disembarked.

"We’d better get some help," JJ Binks said. "I’ll return to the Gimpgan city and muster up some troops."

"Good idea," said SPOOFE. "We’ll head to the royal hangars and launch Brego Squadron, the Royal Space Force. Then we’ll destroy the Bifmodian flagship and we’ll win!"

So JJ dove into a small puddle again, and the others took off for the palace. Unfortunately, the entire palace was swarming with Postal Droids.

"This isn’t gong to be easy," SPOOFE said, and looked over at Queen Kathadala. "You’d better stay here... with that dress on, you wouldn’t be much help to us anyway."

"Oh, it’s all right," Katmé said. "She’s just a robot anyhow." Kat reached over and pressed a large red button at the base of Robo-Kathadala’s neck that no one has ever noticed before. "I’m really the Queen, and I wanna kill some stuff." She reached into her blouse and pulled out a large blaster. "Let’s go!"

The bunch of them rushed the palace, firing blasters as they went. Postal droids tried to return fire, but they proved to be just as inept at shooting as stormtroopers. Hundreds of droids fell to the ground (a lot of them fell under SPOOFE’s lightsaber). They all continued running through the palace to the hangars, blasting the crap out of droids as they went. Finally, they reached the hangar, where all the pilots were sitting around, playing cards, or putting weasels down their pants.

"Listen up, everyone!" SPOOFE said. "You all have to fly up there and kill that Cheese Freighter!"

"Okay!" everyone yelled, and jumped into their fighters and flew off.

"Okay, now we have to go kill the Bifmodians that are still down on-planet," SPOOFE said, and headed for the hangar doorway. The doors slid open...

...To reveal Darth Spooge standing there.

"Go on ahead," SPOOFE said to the rest of the party. "Me an’ Kia will handle this."

They began to disrobe and drew their lightsabers. They ignited and held them up en guarde. Spooge held up his lightsaber and pressed a few buttons. The blade altered a bit, then change shape to look like a huge battle-axe.

"Whoa, that’s pretty cool," SPOOFE said. "Where’d you get the upgrade for that?"

"Oh, this?" Spooge asked. "It was just at Radioshack."

"Cool. After I kill you I’ll head on down there to get one."

SPOOFE and Kia struck at Spooge, who parried their attacks with his lightbattlaxe. He backed away from them, obviously having the disadvantage, and led his way deeper into the main reactor for the entire city of Theed. Qui-SPOOFE Jinn and Kia-Wan Kenobi kept slashing and hacking and swinging, but Spooge managed to parry both of their attacks. Kia swung in low, but Darth Spooge blocked the blow, then kicked her in the face. She fell over the catwalk railing and landed on a lower level. She looked back up, shook her head to clear the dizziness, then summoned up the power of the Force and jumped back up to the higher level. She ran after SPOOFE and Spooge, farther down the catwalk. The two of them entered into the main reactor coolant chamber. Kia kept running, trying to catch up.

Suddenly, SPOOFE and Spooge found a Jehova’s Witness in between them. They tried to continue fighting, but the Jehova’s Witness blocked any attempt. Spooge shut off his lghtbattleaxe and paced back and forth, waiting until they could resume battle. SPOOFE shut off his lightsaber and began to munch on a candy bar. Kia, meanwhile, was trapped a few Jehova’s Witnesses back.


Meanwhile, back in the hangar, Flippikin was looking at the pretty yellow ships. Feeling a bit curious, he climbed into one of them. Jen, crammed back into her droid suit, jumped into the droid-socket.

"Hey, I feel tall!" she exclaimed.

Flippikin strapped into the cockpit seat and began pressing buttons. One of the buttons, labeled "suicide", started up the ship and took him on auto-pilot up to the space battle.

"Wee!" Flippikin said. He reached into his pants and pulled out his guitar and started playing bad chords. "I’m fly-y-y-y-ing in a ye-e-e-ellow starship..." Flip began to sing, but was interrupted when droid starfighters began shooting at him.

"Eek!" Flippikin said. "I want to finish my music in peace!" He flew into the open hangar bay of the Cheese Freighter, and kept flying until he hit a telephone pole. He jumped out of the ship and continued playing.

"I’m fly-y-y-y-ing in a ye-e-e-ellow starship, crashing into stuff... I’m a su-u-u-u-uper sexy guy, well-hung and buff..."

He continued playing his crappy song until he heard a loud crack. He looked behind him and saw that the whole ship was beginning to come apart from the obscene sound waves he was making his guitar emit.

"Oh, crap, not again," Flip said, and jumped back into the yellow ship and took off. The Bifmodian Cheese Freighter fell to pieces behind him.


Back in the palace....

"This way, everyone!" Kat said, and the few troops that were left followed her. They ran through the hallway, shooting more droids. Suddenly, out of a side passage, two people appeared.

"Hey, it’s Mike and Sam again!" Kat said.

"Not just us," Mike said, "but Hari, too. And Greg’s back there somewhere, too."

"What are you guys doing here?" Kat asked.

"We are.... the BSD-Team," Mike said. As soon as he did, this really cool music started playing, and a big black van pulled up. Hari was driving, and Greg was in the passenger seat holding a huge gun. Everyone piled into the van, grabbed some large firearms, and they continued driving along the hallways. A couple of Annoyer droids bounced into the hallway, but the van just rolled right over them. They crashed through the doors of the throneroom, where the Bifmodian representatives were gathered, trying to force the local Boobooan governor to give them the deed to the planet.

Mike and Sam jumped out of the car and began blasting all the droids and Bifmodians in the room. Within a few seconds, there wasn’t anything left except for a few bloodstains and broken droid pieces.

"A day well done... for the BSD-Team!" Mike said, then took Kat’s hand and kissed it. "We’ll meet again!" he said, then the van drove off into the sunset.


The Jehovah’s Witnesses all stood aside, and SPOOFE and Spooge continued their battle again. Kia ran to catch up, but the Jehovah’s Witnesses got in the way again. SPOOFE and Spooge kept fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting.... until Spooge brought his lightbattleaxe up high.... SPOOFE was a little too slow to block it...

The lightbattleaxe smashed down on SPOOFE’s cranium.

"No!" Kia screamed.

Qui-SPOOFE Jinn fell to the ground, dead. Darth Spooge turned to Kia, behind the Jehovah’s Witness. The Witness stepped aside, and Kia jumped into the small room. They began fighting, Kia hacking ferociously. Darth Spooge kept blocking her strokes, but he felt his power was waning. Finally, Kia chopped his lightbattleaxe in half. Spooge fell to the ground, breathing heavily.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you," Kia said.

"Because.... Kia.... I am your Parole Officer," Darth Spooge said. "If you kill me.... you will be thrown into a rehabilitation prison where they’ll force all love for the theater out of you."

"Oh, then I probably don’t want to kill you, then," Kia said. "What about SPOOFE? You killed him."

"I’m... I’m not quite dead, Kia!" SPOOFE called out.

"Oh.... umm.... you fatally wounded him," Kia said to Spooge.

"No, actually, I think I may make it," SPOOFE called out again, then stood up. "Actually, I feel quite all right."

Spooge jumped up. "How the hell did you survive that?" he asked. "Your brain should be leaking onto the floor!"

"I dunno," SPOOFE said. "But I didn’t want a sad ending, and it would have been really sad if the author of the story killed his alter-ego in the story, right? At least, it would have been sad for me."

"Oh, okay then," Spooge said. "Let’s go party."

"All right," Kia said. "To my house!"


So they saved planet Booboo, restored Kat to the throne, and they all went to Kia’s house to party around. Even BSD came (except Greg... he was busy parking the van). Anyway, it was a happy ending for our brave heros.


Back aboard the fleeing Bifmodian Cheese Freighters....

"My lord, we could not have predicted..." the Consulate said, but he was cut off.

"You have failed me," Darth Caseous said. "The price of failure is castration." The hologram gestured to a few guards, who dragged the Consulate away kicking and screaming.

Back at Kia’s house, Darth Caseous shut off the holo-projector and turned to the others. "Now, that was fun. I enjoyed manipulating the Bifmodians so much. To the party!"


The End


Zzzz... huh?  It's over?  Then go away.