THE ADVENTURES OF KIA
Kia was sitting in her yard, staring up at the stars and waiting for Bryan to wake up so she could continue their "work". As she was lying there, pondering how she could possibly end up with a schmuck like Bryan and not the incredibly sexy SPOOFE, she noticed a strange light in the sky. It could be a weather balloon .. or a UFO.
Its not a weather balloon!
A large ray of light was pointed at her, and Kia felt her body rise into the air. It was kinda kinky, really .
She was pulled inside the ship, which was shaped like a large sausage with two large spherical contraptions at one end to house the engines.
She found herself in a dimly lit room with a really big, velvet couch in the middle. Lava lamps lined the walls. Hidden speakers were playing some pimp-daddy music. As she studied the new environment she noticed a new presence in the room.
"Hello? Whos there?" she asked.
A large creature stepped into the shadows. He was about 8 feet tall, covered with some sort of ceremonial armore covering his massive, muscular body. His crotch-plate was exceedingly enormous.
"Greetings, human female," he said with a very, very deep voice that put Erics to shame. "I am the representative of our people, the Pimpians. My name is Rellibeeg Goh, of the clan Nadds. We require your assistance."
"Really? You people have no actors?"
"No, it is far worse than that, human. Long ago, a creature that we cannot name struck our people with a curse."
"Why cant you say his name?"
Rellibeeg frowned. "This creature was an abomination. It wore a cape, black, same with its garb. We never saw its face. And it had the nickname of Gonzo the Flonzo."
"And it went Wonzo?" Kia asked.
"Yes! It did! You know this creature?"
Kia nodded. "Yes, its one of my best friends and just about the sexiest guy on the planet. He makes me horny just being near him."
Rellibeeg frowned. "It is unfortunate that it has already ingrained itself on you; however, that isnt wholly unexpected. You see, human, we have deemed you to be the sexiest person in the galaxy, and we need that sex appeal to save our race from the curse."
"Whats the curse?" Kia asked.
Rellibeeg sighed. "All of our men have been rendered impotent."
Kia suppressed a laugh. "Try some Viagra. It helped Flip."
"It wont work!" Rellibeeg said with exasperation. "The curse is too strong!!"
"So what can I do?" Kia asked.
Rellibeeg leaned in close. "Were going to take you back to our planet and you will have sex in front of every male Pimpian with the creature that we have deemed to be the sexiest male in the galaxy."
"Oh, really?" Kia said. "I know who thats going to be ."
Rellibeeg grinned. "That is nice to know. I would like you to meet Bif."
Kias heart sank as the door on the far wall opened and Bif walked in. He wore his stained shirt and long pants that had 96% of the cloth shoved up his ass. "Anybody wanna play Magic?" he asked.
Kia screamed and ran. "Stop her!" Rellibeeg shouted. "Shes the only one that can make us horny again!!!"
Kia shoved Bif aside like a twig and ran down the hall, making a mental note to thoroughly sterilize the hand that she had touched Bif with. She rounded a corner and ducked into an opened doorway. She found herself in the Pimpians main communication port. She ran to a monitor and tuned in to the Earth signal 640 on the AM dial ..
"We spit on the first amendment " the KFI announcer said on the radio. SPOOFE was sitting in his throne room listening to the Phil Hendrie show, getting ready to laugh his ass off. Just as Phil came on, the signal broke up.
"Hello? Hello, is anyone there?" a familiar voice asked.
"Kia?" SPOOFE asked.
"SPOOFE! Thank the gods its you!"
SPOOFE grabbed his radio. "Kia, howd you get on the radio? And how come you can hear what Im saying?"
"Who cares!" Kia said. "I need your help! Ive been kidnapped by the Pimpians and they want me to have sex with Bif and you guys have to save me!!!"
"Now that was a nice plot summary if Ive ever heard one."
"Just shut up and come save me!" Kia said. "Oh, shit, they found ." Kias signal broke off ..
SPOOFE stood up and struck a dramatic pose. "This looks like a job for ..some of us!!!"
Ten minutes later for SPOOFE, less than three seconds for us, SPOOFE had assembled his greatest minions to go off and rescue Kia.
"Sound off, people! Let the readers know whos coming and get a humorous twingle from each one of you!" SPOOFE shouted.
"Casey! Expert martial artist!"
"Flip! Horny squirrel and expert with the shotgun!"
"Katharine! Im only here because you want me to be the subject of tons of sex jokes!"
"CornHusker! Ill kick anyones ass!"
"Spooge! What was the question?!?!?"
"Kyle! I hate Bif!"
"Becky! I have keys!!"
"Steve! I draw better than SPOOFE!"
SPOOFE grinned. "Okay, people load into the ship! Were off to destroy the Pimpians!!"
Kia found herself locked in a room aboard the starship. She lay back on the bed, waiting for SPOOFE to arrive and free her. She was sure hed rescue her, because he was so cool and incredibly sexy and she wished that she was good enough to get to be with him. She sighed. Alas, it was not to be .
The door to her ersatz prison opened and a Pimpian walked in (duh, its a Pimpian starship!)
"Greetings," the Pimpian said. "I am Argaiv the Long. I am here to train you in your endeavors to arouse our people."
"Hey, Ive had plenty of training!" Kia said. "There was this one time while my friends were working on a drama production ."
"But you have yet to be properly instructed in the correct ways to make a Pimpian male aroused."
Kia shrugged. "Fine. How are you going to instruct me?"
"You will learn as we go."
"How will we "go"?"
"Well," Argaiv said, "first you must remove your garments."
Kia just grinned.
"SPOOFE, how come you have a massive drawerful of socks in your rumpus room?"
"Dammit, Flip! I told you not to go through that stuff! Thats for sex only, something you know nothing about!!"
Flip shrugged. "Just explain the socks."
SPOOFE grinned. "Socks can be pretty damn kinky if used correctly."
"Aint that the truth," Katharine said, sighing. "Anyway, where are we headed?"
"To Pimpia Prime," SPOOFE said.
"Is that where theyre taking Kia?" Katharine asked.
"No, shes going to Pimpia Minor," SPOOFE replied. "Pimpia Minor is where all the males of the species live. They were banished there, after being rendered impotent, by the females, who all live on Pimpia Prime. Were going to enlist their aid in rescuing Kia and bringing peace and justice and nachos to the galaxy."
"Okay, that just about sums up the plot ." Katharine said under her breath.
SPOOFE just grabbed the comlink. "Buckle up back there!" he said. "Im going to start up the Goreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyfast Engines!!!"
After hearing several affirmative answers, and at least one negative, SPOOFE pulled the lever that engaged the GRRRRRF Engines. The ship shuddered for a bit, then everyone was thrown against their seat for a as they accelerated to thousands of times faster than the speed of light.
"Great, now Im upside down!!" Flip yelled from the back. "And somethings stuck up my ass, too!!"
"Thats just me!" Steve said.
"Oh, okay," Flip replied.
The ship continued on towards Pimpia Prime without much other incident (except SPOOFE and Kat were "alone" for a while, and no one noticed .). Now, for the purpose of not wasting so much time, lemme hit the Fast-Forward button hmmm la de daa .. still Fast-Forwarding ..
Ah, here we go!!! The ship roared down into the atmosphere of Pimpia Prime and landed on the main landing field. A small delegation waited for the arrivals just outside of range of the landing jets exhaust. SPOOFE lowered the ramp and walked out to meet them.
The female Pimpians were tall, about six and a half feet, with really long hair, gorgeous features, and huge ..um . tracts of land .. ah, hell, little kids arent gonna be reading this, cept for Flip . They had huge knockers, okay? You know, the basic stuff all horny men want in a woman .. and they were provocatively dressed, too. Flips jaw lowered and he began to drool. Bryan took one look at them and promptly fell asleep. Spooge, of course, being the
pimp-daddy that he is, didnt react any differently than normal, and CornHusker just grinned at them. Even Katharine began to fidget and look around with wide eyes.
"Greetings, Lord and Emperor SPOOFE!" the lead Pimpian said. She took a deep breath, and that made her breasts jiggle. Flip moaned.
"Its a pleasure to see you again, Lady Succubus!" SPOOFE replied.
"Mmm . The real pleasure will come tonight," she answered. "But, aside from sex, what brings you to Pimpia Prime?"
"Business, actually," SPOOFE said. "We need your help in rescuing someone from the males of your species."
Succubus frowned. "The Minors have kidnapped a friend of yours? Who?"
"Her name is Kia," SPOOFE said.
"Oh, dont worry, my dear," SPOOFE said. "Shes good in bed, but youre very unique. Shell never be able to compare with you."
"Really .." Succubus said. "Maybe we can have a threesome sometime .."
"Okay, thats it!!!" Becky yelled. "Can we please stop with the sexual references?!?!?"
"Awww .," all the guys said together, even Casey. He dropped his book and kept staring around. Katharine noticed and slapped him.
"Ow!" he said.
"Stop that," Katharine said. Just then, one of the Pimpians began to stroke her hair. Katharine yelped and leaped away, crashing into another Pimpian. "Im not like that!" Katharine squeaked, and ran over to Spooge.
"Oh, its you," Spooge said, then continued grinning at another Pimpian woman. "scuse me," he said, and walked over to her. Katharine snarled.
"Come," Succubus said. "There is much work to do."
SPOOFE put his arm around her and placed his hand on her ass. A Pimpian joined every other guy, even Flip, and they walked towards the waiting transport to take them to the citadel. Katharine and Becky huddled close together and followed.
"I can see why you like this planet so much," CornHusker said in the transport. His Pimpian was sitting on his lap with her arms around his neck, and she kissed him occasionally. Spooge had already managed to entice Casey, Flip, and Kyles escorts away and had his four Pimpians sitting around him. Bryan had fallen asleep with his head resting on his escorts breast, and Steve was telling his escort about Pokemon. SPOOFE was sitting in the very back of the transport with Lady Succubus.
SPOOFE looked over at Succubus. "Course I love this place," he said with a grin, and gave her a big wet smooch.
"I dont like it here," Katharine said, huddling close to Becky and eyeing her escort that kept trying to caress her.
"Neither do I," Becky said. "Brandishing my keys doesnt have any effect." She snarled at her escort, who was stroking her arm.
SPOOFE sighed. "Alright. You two," he said, gesturing towards Beckys and Kats escorts, "come here." The two of them obeyed, and suddenly SPOOFE was a little bit happier.
In the Pimpian Royal palace, after an hour-long visit to their rooms (Katharine and Becky didnt participate), they group met in the conference chamber with the Pimpian Consulate, headed by Lady Succubus (SPOOFE digs women in high places).
"We have ceased contact with the Minors for some time," she said. "Two weeks. And now you come to us asking for help? To reopen contact with the Minors?"
"Well, yeah," SPOOFE said. "Thats what we talked about when we arrived, and when we were busy in your personal suite. And you agreed to help us. Now youre saying that you dont want to?"
"No, Im just continuing the plot summary. Thats what, the third time in this story so far?"
SPOOFE nodded. "And I expect well have more soon. So youll help us?"
"Of course," Succubus said. She gestured to some of her scantily clad aids. "Prepare my personal starship for a trip to Pimpia Minor. Stock it with extra Pimpian Brandy." Her aid nodded and left to fulfil the task.
SPOOFE looked around at everyone in the room to describe to you (the reader) yet even more humorous situations involving the Pimpians. Spooge had, once again, drawn a crowd of Pimpians around him, while Flip was busy staring at his escort and drooling. Casey was reclining between two of them, his head propped up by one of the Pimpians breasts and his feet resting on the others breast, and he was, of course, reading. Steve had two Pimpians resting on his shoulders watching him draw Pokemon. CornHusker had three Pimpians listening to his exploits of killing SPOOFE at Quake. Kyle was glancing at his escort and building up the nerve to touch her. Bryan was still asleep, his head resting on his escorts leg, and she was stroking his hair. And Becky and Katharine were huddled together, trying to avoid the continuous molestment from the Pimpians.
"You know what?" Katharine said.
"What?" Becky said.
"I am a little curious," she said. She reached out and took her escorts hand. Both of them smiled and left the room.
"Dammit," Becky said. She jumped up and ran over to SPOOFE, who was in the middle of foreplay with Succubus. "Whyd you have to write me into the story?" she demanded.
"Because I like you," SPOOFE said. "Now, back to the sex!!!!"
Becky went back to her seat next to the wall, and her escort began stroking her hair again. Becky slapped her. "Go over to Spooge," she growled. Her escort, confused, followed the orders and joined the large group pandering to Spoogies needs.
Several hours later, Succubus flagship blasted off from Pimpia Prime and set a course for Pimpia Minor and Kia.
She was in the center of a massive arena, with thousands no, millions of Pimpian males surrounding her, roaring for the festivities to start. They all had a look of lust in their eyes. Argaiv the Long stood behind Kia, the only calm one in the place. He nodded to her and left the raised dais on which a large couch sat, along with a small table with plenty of booze. Kia had felt like getting drunk at once, but decided against it if she were to find a way to escape.
Bif was brought in, his eyes fixated on her breasts. She thought of turning around to deprive him of the wonderful view, but decided against it lest he get even more excited from her smooth and luscious butt.
Bif sat on the couch and began to drool. He made wild hand gestures and spoke garbled gibberish, but none of it was capable of being understood. Kia pretended not to know what he meant and wandered away. The crowd showed their displeasure.
Guards strode forth with large gondola oars, ready to prod Kia back into place. She was knocked back onto the couch. Bif leaped at her, but his horny little mind was muddled and he missed. He didnt realize he hadnt grabbed Kia, and spent the next five minutes humping a pillow.
This gave Kia time to think. She glanced around the arena, looking for a chance to escape. The crowd watched in growing anticipation, thinking that Bifs violation of the pillow was some sort of ritual. Some had already produced pillows of their own and were trying to duplicate the maneuver.
Kia looked at the table with the booze. She saw by the label that it was Canadian; being the superb actress that she was, she feigned anger (not hard to do for Canadian beer).
"Hey!" she shouted. "How the hell am I supposed to get it on with Canadian beer?!? Canadian beer sucks!!!"
As she suspected, several of the Minors in the crowd were of Canadian origin. They screamed death threats and stormed towards the arena floor. The guards saw them coming and brandished their gondola oars in a defensive posture. Kia took the opportunity to slip out of the arena. Bif, back at the couch, had just realized that the pillow was not moaning or squirming or anything else hed expected sex to be. He realized that Kia was gone and was about to go back to the pillow when he noticed the Canadian beer. He "hurf-hurf!"-ed and began to drink it down.
Kia, meanwhile, was running through the halls of the arena. She needed some way to get help, some way to escape. She turned around a corner and saw a group of guards standing there, getting drunk off their asses from some Zima. She was surprised that they werent in the Arena to get horny again.
Kia yelped as one of them spotted her. "After her!" one of them yelled in a drunken stupor; then the entire group ran off down the hall in the opposite direction. Kia heaved a sigh of relief and leaned up against the wall.
Her mistake. The panel that she had leaned against swung inwards, and she fell down the garbage chute. She made contact with the surface of the chute, and began to slide. She emerged at the end of the tube, back in the arena, launched out hundreds of feet above the spectators. She landed on the couch again where Bif was sitting, drunk off his ass from all the Canadian beer.
He made a weak attempt to grab her again, but she jumped away. The crowd was mad. Any second now they were going to storm the arena and force them to copulate .
But they never got the chance. Before any could take action, a large starship crashed, nose-first, into the floor of the arena with a loud *CLUNK*!! The side hatch hissed open and SPOOFE jumped out, followed by his team.
"Were here to rescue you!" SPOOFE said. "Come on!!"
"Thank you thank you thank you!" Kia yelled, and sprinted for the ship. The crowd surged forward, spilling onto the arena floor and converging on the ship.
The crowd stopped and gasped. Lady Succubus had stepped forward, and all the Minors were in awe to the great female.
"You have committed massive atrocities!" she yelled. "You shall all be punished!!"
A small voice near the back spoke up. "How can we be punished even more? With death?"
Succubus thought about this for a second. "Yes yes, I believe you will be! I was just going to make you all write an apology letter, but that is far better "
The crowd all yelled out, "Doh!!!"
"Wait!" Kia said. "There is one of them that doesnt deserve to die!!" She pointed to Argaiv the Long. "He was kind to me and treated me with respect, even though I was a prisoner."
"Argaiv?" Succubus asked. "Is that you, my brother?"
Argaiv stepped forward. "It is I, sister. The prophecies foretold that you would one day return, and your return meant doom for Pimpia Minor. I accept my fate."
"Hell no!" Succubus said. "Come on, you at least can return with us!"
"There is nothing for me on Pimpia Prime," Argaiv said. "I have lost my virility."
SPOOFE held up a hand. "You shall have it back!" he said. "Any friend of Kias deserves to be sexually aroused!"
Argaiv grinned and ran forward. Spooge reached his gangly arm down and pulled him aboard the ship. The ship then lifted off, with the crowd sitting on the ground and crying. Several thousand miles out from the planet, the ship stopped and turned around.
"Initiate the planet destruction cycle," SPOOFE ordered. A small hatch appeared from the bottom of the ship, and the super-duper-destructo-death-spasmo-plasmo-playdo-playboy-ouchie-wouchie ray appeared and aimed at the planet. It fired; the entire planet of Pimpia Minor was reduced to nothing more than swirling pieces of Hanson merchandise.
Several hours later, back on Pimpia Prime, Argaiv the Long got one of the best welcome home receptions ever (clothing was optional). SPOOFEs team was elsewhere, enjoying that last few moments that theyd have on Pimpia Prime.
"How can I ever thank you?" Argaiv asked.
"A lifetime supply of Josta and a nice warm pizza, delivered to my door."
"Done," Argaive said. "You saved me you may have saved the entire Pimpia race. Thank you."
SPOOFE glanced over at Succubus. "Heh, heh it was worth it "
"What do you mean?" Argaiv asked.
"Nothing, nothing . Shell tell you when I leave," SPOOFE said. "Hey! Guys!
SPOOFEs team appeared, Spooge being trailed by a large group of Pimpians and carrying Bryan, who was still asleep. CornHusker was dragging Flip away from his girls, while Steve and Kyle were talking about Pokemon as they approached SPOOFEs ship. Casey was already on board, absorbed in a book.
"Wheres Becky and Katharine?" SPOOFE asked. Everyone else shrugged.
"Oh, there they are," Benton said, dumping Bryan to the deck and pointing. They were leaving the palace and waving good-bye to a group of women. They climbed on board the ship without saying a word.
"Alrighty," SPOOFE said. "Ill come back sometime!"
The ship blasted off and headed for Earth.
"So, what happened back there?" SPOOFE asked Becky and Katharine.
"Oh, well never tell," Katharine said with a sly grin.
"Right," Becky agreed. "Well let your perverted little minds think about what went on."
The two of them chuckled maniacally as SPOOFE gave them looks of confusion. He never knew what went on with those two ..
I know you're finished... so get yo' ass back to the Stories page.
Copyright © 2000 JMSPOOFE. All rights reserved.