The sky was blue, the grass was green, and Flip had a Josta.
Ah, what an interesting intro. My name? Im SPOOFE. This is a story that takes place a long time ago... back in early 1999, to be exact... when the world was young...
Anyway, like I said, Flip had a Josta. This made him dangerous. What was even more dangerous was the fact that he was drinking it. He was bumbling around the lawn, doing his little dance, traveling from group to group You know, being Flip.
Over on the hill was the coolest group It included me, of course, and there was Casey and Kat. Spooge was several feet away, sprawled out on the ground. CornHusker was hovering around, making references to my crotch whenever it was inappropriate. Things were going good; every now and then Flip would appear and make us laugh (except for Katharine, who only laughed at the things Spooge, Eric, or Casey did) then hed go bug other people, like Jamie, Ashlyn, Anthony, etc.
Things were going cool for a while until Kia appeared. A pink-and-puce rattletrap car appeared, chugging along with a huge cloud of black smoke behind it. A door opened, emitting even more smoke from the inside. Kia jumped out and turned towards the driver.
"Thanks for the ride, Hinnemjackel*%*." A low, gritty voice answered back in a language never before heard on this planet.
"KIA!!!!!" Flip squealed, his high-pitched voice straining the ears of cats and dogs for miles around. He charged down the hill, and Kia deftly sidestepped him. He crashed into a rhinoceros. The rhino turned around and shoved its horn up his ass. Flip leapt into the air screeching like a guy that just had a rhinos horn shoved up his ass. He landed next to us, rubbing his rump.
"Hi everybody!" Kia said, and proceeded to give everyone a hug. Spooge even got up to participate.
"Whatre you doing here?" I asked, trying to remain calm to impress everybody. It never worked, of course I can pretty much guarantee that Ill be getting extremely hyperactive in the near future.
"I dunno," Kia said. "Its your story, after all."
"Will you people stop doing that?" Casey said. "Youre ruining the whole thing for people that are listening!!"
"Ha," I said. "I can do whatever I want. Watch this!!"
Suddenly, Casey jumped up and shouted, "My penis is tiny!!" He quickly sat down again, embarrassed.
"That was just a coincidence," Casey said. "It doesnt prove anything!!"
"Oh yeah?" I said. "Watch this!!"
Kia and I jumped towards each other and we stripped away our clothes. We proceeded to make passionate love in front of everyone. Kia leaned down to lick my-
Suddenly, a man in a suit appeared. He whispered something into my ear, then disappeared. "Okay, everyone, apparently Im not allowed to do that!" I yelled. "Re-wind!"
"Whatre you doing here?" I asked, trying to remain calm to impress everybody. It never worked, of course I can pretty much guarantee that Ill be getting extremely hyperactive in the near future.
"I came to see you guys!" Kia said. "Things get so lonely when youre busy sending your soul into other animals I got tired of being a tiger in Nairobi."
"Well, were not doing anything," Katharine said.
Flip, who had ran off sometime during all the preceding events, came back holding a large crate. "Josta party!" he shouted, and tore the lid off the crate. Inside were a ton of Josta bottles, ready for the drinking. Flip tossed one to Spooge, then to CornHusker, then to me, then to Casey. Katharine declined, of course Guarana isnt very influential to the female physiology (except for rare exceptions). Kinda like the Three Stooges, actually . Anyway, we proceeded to guzzle down our drinks when I realized that there wasnt any plot to this story at all. Well, hold your horses, consarnit!
Eric appeared. He actually seemed worried (it can happen, people!!). "Would it be a bad thing if I accidentally had the Pyros Combine declare war on Earth?" he asked.
"Probably, yeah," I said. The Pyros Combine was a race of alien beings that had a sick, sick obsession with watching things burn. Oh, yeah, they have a huge fleet of ultra-powerful warships and a standing army of seventy billion.
"Whatd you do this time?" Casey asked.
"I just commented on how Tribes is much cooler than their national computer game!" Eric said.
"Whats their national computer game?" I asked.
"Riven, the Sequel to Myst," Eric said. Everyone shuddered, except for Katharine and Kia, who knew absolutely nothing about computer games.
"So they got mad because of that?" Spooge asked.
"Well, its kind of like Canadians and Canadian beer," I said. "It sucks, but they love it obsessively. We have a real problem on our hands." I paused for dramatic effect. "At least you said Tribes, and not a game thats actually cool," I joked.
Eric ignored the comment. "Anyway, theyre sending over their entire battle fleet and their entire army to smash humanity into little tiny pieces."
"How much time do we have to prepare for an invasion?" I asked, taking charge (Im such a natural leader, you know!).
As soon as Id asked, a huge fireball flashed over the sky and hit somewhere to the north of us. A few seconds later, a powerful shockwave passed over the school, hurtling freshmen everywhere and knocking us to our feet. The schools buildings evaporated like something that evaporates when hit with a massive, multiple giga-ton explosion shockwave.
We struggled to our feet. Flip had a bloody nose. Spooge was even more spaced out than usual. Katharine blinked a few times to relieve the pressure in her ears.
"Not much time at all," Eric said. "I suppose wed better prepare for war."
As soon as Eric said that, a fleet of troop transports flew by overhead. One of them set down on the football field. It began disgorging hundreds and hundreds of Pyros Shock Troops.
"Lets go kill some people!" I said, and transformed into my crotchless, bulging-muscled SPOOFE form. I struck a dramatic pose.
Kia transformed into her kitty form (with very sharp claws, by the way I should know) Rayella and also struck a dramatic pose, though not nearly as dramatic as mine.
Flip transformed into the shotgun wielding Italic Squirrel, and drank more Josta as he waited for me to finish writing what everyone transformed into.
Casey transformed into the ninja (with a really cool sword) that I call Cyamarin. He crouched down and went into his "sinister silence" act.
Eric tapped a few buttons on his watch and a battlesuit appeared (I believe it was a Noggin-Knocker 5000 Class). He began charging his weapons system.
Katharine transformed into the ultra-tough, no-nonsense Superbitch and tapped her foot impatiently. She wanted to go kick some ass.
CornHusker didnt transform, though he did finish downing his Josta. "Hail Nebraska", he muttered in anticipation of the brawl that was about to begin. A small trickle of Josta drooled down his chin.
Spooge was still lying there (be patient, hell be doing something soon enough!).
"To the battle, my comrades in arms!" I shouted, and leapt into the air to fly into the fray. Others in our group who were capable of negating their own personal gravity, Kia, Katharine, and Eric (he had flight boosters built into the lower torso of his suit), while the others had to charge really, really fast.
From my vantage point several dozen feet above the ground, I noticed the platoon leader of this particular group of Shock Troops.
"Quickly!" he was saying. "We must secure the chicken fingers!!" The troops started to march toward Sids.
"NO!!" I cried out. I like those chicken fingers. I really do. I dropped out of the sky and smashed into the platoon leader. His body-armor shattered under the attack. I noticed that he was still alive, so I grabbed him by his leg and began battering several other Shock Troops that were standing nearby.
By now, the rest of the Shock Troops had realized that they were under attack. They began firing their weapons wildly (they were PR-58 Medium Pulse-Wave Cannons) and were missing their targets equally wildly. The pulse blasts completely missed us, smashing instead into trees, cars, and freshmen. I grinned a wicked grin. I also like collateral damage. I really do. I grabbed another Shock Troop and sank my fingers into his eye sockets (the visor on his helmet was up) and released a small blast of energy. His brain boiled and exploded, oozing out his ears, nose, and mouth. I dropped the carcass and went after more bad guys.
Kia was enjoying herself. She had dropped from the air and slashed her claws along one of the Shock Troops spines, then ripped it out and beat the man to death with it. She then whirled around and shoved the spine through another Shock Troop, and kicked another in the gut. As he fell, she pounced on him and sank her fangs into his throat and pulled. His esophagus popped out, spraying
blood everywhere. She then strangled another guy with the extricated organ.
Katharine was being far more um gentle, I suppose. Instead of ripping dudes to shreds she was just beating the shit out of em. The first guy she pounded on flew backwards several dozen feet, knocking over a large group of Troops. She dodged a slightly-accurate Pulse blast, then punched her attacker in the throat. He collapsed to the ground.
Eric landed a few feet away and revealed his dual GGE-999 Anti-Infantry Gatling Cannons. The spray of 1400 bullets-per-minute pounded into the Pyros Troopers. Their armor protected somewhat, but the near-constant stream of bullets found weak spots in the plating and troopers fell by the dozens. Eric soon got tired of using the Gatling Cannons he brought up his rocket launcher. Carefully picking out his targets, he began firing the micro-missiles into the Pyros bodies. Chunks of flesh began flying around the battlefield.
By now, the others had joined in the fray. Flip leapt from the bleachers and popped two of the Shock Troops in the face with his shotgun. Another troop brought his cannon around to shoot at him, but Flip shoved his shotgun into the troops gut and pulled the trigger. The light body armor that the trooper wore shattered and dug into the Pyros innards.
Casey was entertaining himself by slicing Shock Troops to pieces. His sword sliced through body armor like a hot Ramsey through butter. One of the Shock Troops tried to kick him (I dont know why; he was holding a perfectly good Pulse Cannon) and had his leg severed for his troubles. Casey then leapt on top of a bunch of guys that were trying to retreat back to the dropship; ten seconds later they were mincemeat.
Meanwhile, CornHusker was kicking some major ass. He bashed troop after troop after troop after troop after troop. Eventually there was a large pile of them, and he climbed on top, shouted "Hail Nebraska!" and jumped down to smash a few more troops that were cowering behind the pile.
Several minutes later, with thousands of dead Pyros Shock Troops lying on the Chaminade football field, it was over. A couple of troops had managed to pile into the dropship, and that was just beginning to disappear from sight.
"Okay, now what?" Eric said, his voice muffled somewhat through the battlesuit.
"Lets smash some more stuff!" CornHusker said.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, taking charge (Im such a natural leader, you know?). "Theres gotta be hundreds of other landing spots just like this one. I say we go check em out."
Everyone agreed just in time to hear a loud rumbling coming from the sky above us. A massive, gigantical robot/mech/battledroid/Johnny Carson/whatever type thing was descending down on us. It was at least thirty meters tall, and bristled with tons and tons and tons and tons and tons of weaponry. Missiles, laser cannons, wrecking balls, rubber chickens (Im pretty sure it even had an AMC (Armageddon Maker Cannon) but I didnt get a very good look) and lots of chocolate donuts. I didnt know what it planned to do with the donuts, though.
It scanned us and let loose with a volley of destructive attack stuff. Missiles smashed into the ground, propelling Kia and Katharine high into the air, and they collapsed, unconscious. Casey got hit in the head with a rubber chicken, and he was out of the fight. Flip was nailed by a wrecking ball and he smashed through a tree. He tried to get up but the tree fell on top of him with a sickening thud. Eric tried to hold his own with his battlesuit, and his shields were holding up pretty good until the giant battledroid opened a hatch in its chest and launched out a large sphere. The sphere opened up, fell on top of Eric, and sealed up again. The sphere rolled around a bit as Eric struggled to get out, to no avail.
Me? All the remainder of the battledroids weapons were aimed at me! I tried to create a shield of protection, but those were quickly shattered, and worse, my energy blasts had absolutely no effect on the battledroids armor!! It leveled its Meta-Bazooka at me and fired. The energy blast slammed into my chest and a huge hole erupted, spilling out several gallons of blood and internal organs (but thats okay, I dont need any of that). But, still, it hurt like a flying fuck, and I was down. The battledroid then proceeded on to stomp on me several times, burying me several feet into the football field.
I struggled to remain conscious. Could this be the end ?
NO! Just as it seemed as if all was lost, someone else joined the fray Spooge!!!! He strode over to the battlefield holding his Josta bottle. He hunkered down in the bleachers to watch the show. After giggling at me for a while (Note to self: shmack Spoogie) he took his shirt off (No, hes not doing a strip tease! Just watch, you pervert). His chest swelled outward, then seemed
to burst (Except there was no blood or a hole or anything) and the Spooge Demon appeared!!
"Hey, Demon," Spooge said, and pointed at the giant battledroid that was smashing me into the ground. "See that? Go break it."
The Spooge Demon nodded and grinned a wicked, sadistic, evil grin. It leapt from the bleachers and rushed the battledroid. It grabbed onto its leg and bit. The armor shredded easily. A huge shower of sparks erupted out of the leg, and the battledroid stumbled as it detected damage to its hull. It glanced down at the Spooge Demon and aimed its PUP (Pure Unadulterated Pain) Cannon. The Spooge Demon grinned; the battledroid fired. Spooge Demon jumped away from the leg, and the blast chewed away several hundred pounds of metal. It staggered as it attempted to maintain balance on a leg that just had its foot gyros severely damaged.
Spooge Demon jumped onto the battledroids upper thigh and continued to climb up its torso. It grabbed onto the armoring on the chest and began pounding with his claws. Pieces of armor began raining down as the Spooge Demon tore the battledroid into little tiny pieces. It clawed through the several feet of armor protecting the vital power sources of the battledroid; with one stroke he punctured the armor of the main fusion reactor. The resulting explosion was pretty damn big, but it sure was cool, especially being right smack dab in the middle of it all!! Hehe Anyway, after the smoke cleared the Spooge Demon was sitting on the pile of metal that was left of the battledroid, giggling and smoking a Cuban cigar. Spoogie was cheering for an encore.
I pulled myself out of the crater that I had been pounded into, still dripping blood and internal organs from the foot-wide hole going through my body. I placed my hand over the hole and muttered an incantation that I would be unable to write in English. My hand glowed a little (It tingled, too, a very sensuous feeling). Slowly, the edges of the hole began to knit back together. Within a few seconds the hole was completely healed up. Cool, huh?
Anyway, a few minutes later, the others awoke from their state of unconsciousness. Chris had hopped down tot he field and was busy chuckling at the death, destruction, and carnage on the field. The Spooge Demon tore open the sphere that had imprisoned Eric. I decided to take charge (cuz Im such a pimp-daddy leader-type).
"All right, people," I said. "Listen up! Were going to put a stop to the Pyros invasion once and for all!! By my calculations-"
"My calculations, if you please," Eric said.
"Fine. By Erics calculations, theres about 250 million Pyros troops on the planet, plus about a thousand space-faring vessels in orbit, all Destroyer-class or stronger. What we need to do is organize a counter-offensive."
"According to my long-range sensors," Eric said, "the Pyros are setting up a base camp about fifty miles north of here. My satellite uplinks have detected an Ambassador-class shuttle landed there. Id assume that some sort of important Pyros commander is there."
"All right," I said. "It looks like we can go and destroy a base camp. All in favor?"
"Lets go smash that base!!!" I yelled. "They may take our wives, but they will never take our Chicken Fingers!!!!"
"We have wives?" Katharine asked.
"Smashy, smashy," CornHusker said in response, and grabbed Katharine and tossed her over his shoulder. She squeaked, squirmed around, and tossed him against the wall. CornHusker giggled as he spat out pieces of cement.
Anyway, a bunch of boring stuff happened about us getting ourselves fifty miles to the north, but I didnt write this story to be boring, I wrote it to be cool and violent!! SPOOFE, youre an asshole. Hey, shut up, Casey!! You have no business being the narrator!! Sure I do, Im better than you are. Fine, go ahead, Im going to go get something to drink. All right, Im the new narrator. Okay, okay, SPOOFE suddenly turns into a cabbage and I turn into a big super-studly hunk thats an expert at playing the bass and guitar and piano and violin and a ton of other stuff too and all the girls are extremely attracted to me and come running to me and they all ignore Spooge even though hes such a pimp and wait hes not a pimp anymore hes a nerd with big thick-rimmed glasses and suspenders and a huge wedgie. Eric and I decide to lob a few anti-Pyros bombs around to get rid of the Pyros invasion, then we all sit down to play a game of jacks while I have a dozen slave girls in really tight clothes feeding me jelly donuts without the jelly with butter spread to all the corners and a space shuttle landed on it after it got mixed up like a glass of tang. Casey, what the hell are you doing?!? You said I could be the narrator!! I thought you would have stayed within the bounds of the story!! Well, you didnt have enough of me in your story!! Fuck off you bastard! Wait, I didnt get to the part about how your MiniDisc breaks and I get a brand new one and- Oh, shut up, Casey, go away!! Fine::sniff:: I know when Im not wanted .
Okay, okay, that shmucks gone, we can get back to the story. We all got up to the Pyros base camp and we were surveying the scene. There was a large, pre-fabricated command center, and situated around it were several large barracks buildings. A small concrete wall surrounded the base.
"Okay, lets smash stuff," CornHusker said. He jumped forward and began smashing his fists into the concrete barrier. Large chunks of cement went flying all over. Within seconds, a large hole was broken into the wall. We poured into the fissure.
On the other side another army of Pyros Shocktroops was waiting, standing at attention. They were all more heavily armed and armored than the ones we slaughtered over at Nade. We all transformed into our respective battleforms (and Eric summoned his battlesuit again) and we hopped into battle.
I made my way directly to a large clustering of Pyros troops who had gathered near a trio of Titantia-class war-droids, robots that stood about twenty feet tall and were armed with a duo of HullShredder XL Hypercannons, a large plasma projector unit (PPU) and a rack of Destructo Torpedo Missiles. I leapt into the air, firing several energy blasts at the Troops and frying a few of them as they stood. The others began firing their weapons (a couple had Photon MiniGuns), but I had erected a shield of protection (huh-huh "erect" .huh-huh) and the attack did me no harm. I landed in the middle of the grouping of troopers, and they all turned towards me. I made my body intangible (it looked real cool it looks like I melt into the air and stuff ) and the gunshots passed right through where I was and struck the troops on the other side. Within seconds all the troops were dead, killed by their own teammates.
I wasnt left with much time to gloat, though. The Titan-droids turned towards me and began firing their hypercannons at me. The billions-of-tachyons-per-nanosecond slammed into my frame and sent me propelling across the field, smashing me into the concrete wall. The pummeling continued as chunks of my flesh were torn from my body and gallons of blood splashed to the ground. I grabbed a large slab of concrete and held it in front of me, halting the attack. I then jumped high into the air with a thick trail of blood and guts falling to the ground behind me, and I landed on the roof of one of the Titan-droids. I focused my energy-blasts into a single thin beam and shot it directly downwards into the cockpit. I heard a scream as the beam punctured the pilots skull and fried his brain fried it slowly.
Meanwhile, Flip was having some problems. He was surrounded by guys that were wearing projectile resistant armor, so his shotgun wasnt doing much damage. His Squirrel-Agility was allowing him to avoid getting shot, however, and he managed to smother one of the troopers with his big, poofy squirrel tail. He grabbed the strangled troopers Particle Wave Cannon and turned towards the rest of the group. The massive blasts slammed into the troopers and they went flying. Unfortunately, one of the flying shell-shocked troopers slammed into Flip, knocking the gun out of his grip and it clattered to the floor. Flip shook his head, trying to clear the dizzy feeling out of his head.
Another Titan droid had come upon his semi-conscious rodent-form lying in an impact crater and was preparing to fire, when another furry figure dashed into view. Rayella leapt upon the droid and began hacking at it with her (very very sharp) claws. Armor plates hurled through the air, soon followed by internal power conduits. Rayella finally punctured the main reactor after digging through several meters of droid. The controlled fusion lost control, detonating the entire droid into a massive tower of flame. Rayella leapt free, dragging Flip by his squirrely-tail.
Eric saw the need for some organization. He gestured for Casey and Katharine to follow after him, and the three of them headed towards the main command center. A pair of automated sentry cannons guarded the entrance, but the auto-targeting systems in Erics suit detected them. He unslung his rocket launcher and popped off a pair of missiles before the sentry cannons had a chance to fire. Small pieces of debris hailed to the ground as the group entered the command centers main lobby.
"Ye-e-e-e-essss?" the receptionist (a small man with crazy eyes and a big mustache) said.
"We need to find something to kill or destroy thatll neutralize the Pyros invasion," Eric said, summing up the plot. "Is this the line to get in?"
"No, its the line to see Jimmy Hendrix play the guitar," the receptionist said.
Katharine tapped Erics shoulder. "Cant we go see Jimmy Hendrix?" she asked.
"Shit," Katharine said, pouting. She gave Eric the finger behind his back.
"Look, weve gotta get in," Eric said. "The fate of the world depends on it."
The receptionist shrugged. "Well, I cant just let anyone in here, you know. Do you have an appointment?"
"Yeah, its right here," Casey said. He pulled out his sword and stabbed the receptionist through the nuts. With a whimper, he fell down, holding his crotch gingerly.
"Go right in," he said. They did.
They ran through the hallways, occasionally bumping into kangaroos and Penthouse models (who eyed Katharine with lust), but didnt find what they needed until they came across an elevator with a large sign above it which read: "Go here to destroy the Pyros". Eric stood pondering the meaning of the sign for a few minutes, then rushed inside.
The elevator opened up on a huge, circular room lined with large monitors, terminals, control boards... you know, your basic "Master Control Room" movie set-type thing. Anyway, there were several inhabitants of the room, namely a pair of guards by the door (which were quickly dispatched) and a good-sized team of technicians (a dozen at least, who were also quickly dispatched, having no armor, weapons, combat training, or common sense). That left only one other being in the room... standing on a raised dais was the Pyros High Commander, Norm MacDonald.
"What do you want?" Norm asked in his monotone voice.
"We want to shut down the Pyros invasion force," Eric said calmly.
Norm thought for a moment. "Well, okay... but FIRST... you have to beat me at a game of Pokemon!"
Katharine and Casey gasped, but Eric bravely took a step forward. "I accept your challenge."
Norm pressed a button and a table dropped from the ceiling and landed between them. Two decks were on the table.
"Choose your weapon," Norm said. Eric grabbed the deck on his right. "Ha!" Norm exclaimed (yet his voice was still monotone). "Thats the crappy deck!"
They began playing (I have no idea how the mechanics of the game work... I know it involves putting down the obnoxious lil creatures, though, represented on cards... anyway...). After a few rounds, Norm had an army of Charizoids and Pikaflubs and Jigglylimbaughs and such, while all Eric had out was a single, lone, isolated, individual Bulbaflip. Norm cackled madly (yet still monotonely) as he prepared to pounce on his hapless opponent. Eric, despite facing certain destruction, was still calm.
"Prepare to die, Martian!" Norm said.
"Martian?" Eric asked. "Were not Martians."
Norm blinked a few times. "What?"
"Were Terrans... or Earthlings, as were called in all those B-movies."
"Wait a minute," Norm said slowly. "This isnt Mars?"
Eric shook his head. "Nope. This is Earth. Mars is one planet over... the red one, with two little moons."
Norm frowned. "But we scanned that planet. It doesnt contain any life forms."
"Well, supposedly, there was life there once, but it all died and went away," Eric said. "I would hazard a guess that you guys are a billion years too late."
Norm pounded on the table. "Dammit, dammit, dammit.... I knew we shouldnt have stopped at Starbucks on the way over here...." With a sigh, Norm stood up and walked over to a comm unit. "Attention all Pyros units. Were pulling out. We were late again, and this time its General McCoys fault this time." He put the comm unit down and turned to the other three. "Well, Im sorry we blew up so much stuff. Well be leaving now... to our conquest with the XelNaga!"
A few minutes later, the whole group watched as the Pyros invasion force vanished from sight. SPOOFE stepped forward, then turned to see everyone else in the group.
"So," he said, "who wants a Josta?"
It's time, once again, to return to the Stories Page!
Copyright © 2000 JMSPOOFE. All rights reserved.