The Adventures of SPOOFE & Spooge

Episode IV

(Just wait ‘til the S&S Prequels)

Prologue...

"Stee-ee-ee-eerike!" SPOOFE shouted as all the pins fell to the ground. He ran back to where the others were sitting, dancing like a maniac.

"Did you see that?!?" he cried. "Perfect form! Perfect toss! Perfect stance! I even remembered to continue breathing afterwards!" He continued dancing around until his little red thing bounced up and hit him in the nose. He shrieked and fell to the ground, clutching his shnozz gingerly.

"Um... you know... that might have been a great shot for you," Chris said, "if it weren’t for the little fact that it was... umm... my turn to bowl."

SPOOFE gaped over at Chris, then slowly turned his head to the scoreboard. Sure enough, there was a strike in slot ten for Chris’s score. SPOOFE began emitting s low squealing noise.

"Oh, shit," Chris said. "I’ve got me a little dilemma here." He glanced over at Kia (not very far... about a quarter of a millimeter separated their faces). "I wanna go bowl, but I also don’t want to move..."

SPOOFE just grinned. "What’re you gonna do, hotshot? What’re you gonna do?"

At that moment Flip ran by being chased by a wombat. "All I wanted to do was play ‘Area 51'!!!" he screamed.

"Ah, so that’s where Flip went," Chris said. "Well, I also have an answer to my little dilemma here..." He unbuttoned his shirt, and with a loud SLURP the Spooge Demon popped out of his chest. He jumped to the floor and grinned.

"Spooge," Chris said. "See those?" He pointed at the bowling pins. Spooge nodded. "Knock ‘em down." Chris held up a bowling ball.

Spooge nodded enthusiastically, and grabbed the ball. He tested the weight in his hands, then shook his head, and tossed the ball over his shoulder, just as Flip came running by, still being chased by the wombat. The ball hit Flip in the head, and he collapsed. The wombat stopped and laughed, then urinated on him.

Spooge, meanwhile, had run outside. SPOOFE wondered what he was up to (Chris and Kia had turned their attentions back to each other again). A few minutes later, Spooge Demon returned, carrying a wrecking ball, with bits of the broken chain still attached. He ran forward and hurled it down the lane. It knocked down ten pins and a good chunk of the wall behind it... and continued on to demolish an Old Folks’ home. Old people, bedpans, and bingo cards began raining left and right.

Spooge Demon let out a roar of triumph. He jumped on top of the pile of rubble and spread his arms, laughing a loud, throaty laugh. Then he plopped down in the benches and put a cigar in his mouth. Chris reached over with a lighter to light it. Spooge puffed away as he gestured to SPOOFE to take his turn.

The scoreboard display beeped. A small sign flashed on the screen: "Game Over Due to Lane Destruction".

SPOOFE began grumbling and removed his smelly bowling shoes, then put on his even-smellier boots. Chris and Kia were still goin’ at it. Spooge Demon reached over and grabbed Kia’s butt. Kia yelped a bit; it snapped them back to reality.

"We’re leaving, guys," SPOOFE said. The other two quickly removed their bowling shoes; the group returned them to the counter. On the way out, Spooge Demon grabbed Flip, still unconscious, and carried them out to the car.

The car. That is, the Josta-mobile. A big, armor-plated grey van. A big, dirty, armor-plated grey van. SPOOFE managed to find it at the Army Surplus Store’s parking lot and traded a bunch of his pictures for it (sometimes, being able to draw is really cool). I’m telling you, this baby came fully loaded; it even had a computer built into the dashboard, and ion cannons, fuzzy dice... and a car minidisk player! And let’s not forget the big, soft, ultra-comfy, ultra-pimp couch in the back... SPOOFE had originally meant to use it more for himself, but Chris and Kia have inhabited it more often these past few weeks. SPOOFE climbed into the drivers’ seat; Chris and Kia clambered into the couch; Spooge Demon dumped Flip in the back, behind the couch, before climbing into shotgun.

"Oh well," SPOOFE thought to himself. "Maybe I’ll finally managed to get better than a 6 next time we go bowling..."

Chapter 1...

A few weeks later...

"...okay... I dare Flip to... sing ‘La Bamba’."

Everyone looked over at Casey. "What kind of lame-ass dare is that?!?"

Casey stuttered for a second, then said, "Umm... I meant... Give Eric a lap-dance?"

"No!" Eric shouted.

"Umm... Ooh! I know! Hold your breath underwater, then go eat an apple!"

Kia gave Casey a funny look. "Casey, why the hell are you coming up with such stupid ideas?"

"Well, it’s no my fault!" Casey whined. "It’s SPOOFE’s story!!"

"Damn straight it is," SPOOFE said.

"Well, I-"

"Chris is here!" Someone shouted.

Kia jumped out of the jacuzzi. "Thanks, Someone!"

"No problem, babe!" Someone replied.

"Who the hell is Someone?" Flip answered.

Someone plopped down by the pool, a big grin on his face. "I’m the pizza delivery boy, and you’ll be seeing me at very random spots throughout this story! Now, I gotta go, got pizzas to deliver, don’tcha know! Toodle-oo!!"

"Umm... okay," Eric said. "Now, back to Flip’s dare. I suggest that we dare him to go ‘69' with Kurt..."

Meanwhile, back in the house...

Kia ran up to Chris, who looked dazed (as usual). She threw her arms around him; he just stood there like a board.

"Hey, what’s up?" Kia asked. Chris blinked and looked down at her.

"Oh, yeah... sorry about that..." Chris clumsily threw his arms around her, then let go almost immediately afterward.

Kia leaned up to kiss him... but Chris just walked away. "Anybody got a Pepsi?" he asked. Someone, on his way out, tossed him a Pepsi. Chris opened it and began to drink. He wandered outside and plopped down near the jacuzzi, where Flip was screaming and Kurt was cheering. Kia came over and sat in his lap.

"Umm... Kia, I can’t see everyone else when you sit there. Get off of me!"

Everyone gasped and looked over at Chris.

"Did he just say that...?"

"It can’t be...."

"He’s possessed...."

"Who’s up for Scrabble?"

"Who is he..."

"....And what has..."

"....He done with...."

"....Chris?"

"Is that a rabbit over there?"

Chris looked around at everyone. "Is there a problem?" he asked, then took a swig of his Pepsi.

"I don’t know," SPOOFE said. "Let me try something..." He walked over to where Rob was scaring the shit out of a bunch of people by acting like himself, then he walked back again. "Hey, Chris, want a cigar?" He held up a cigar.

"No, thanks," Chris said.

Everyone gasped again. Kurt fainted.

"Chris, I think you’re ill," SPOOFE said.

"I’m just fine," Chris said. "Hey, anybody wanna play ‘Spin the bottle’?" He held up his now-empy Pepsi bottle.

Everyone gasped for a third time.

SPOOFE grabbed Chris’s arm and pulled him aside. "Chris, I don’t care what’s wrong with you... in this group we do not use language like that."

"Like what? What’s wrong with everyone tonight?"

"What’s wrong with you?" SPOOFE said. "You should be hesitant to get out of the jacuzzi by now."

Chris pushed SPOOFE away and sat down by the jacuzzi again. Kia sat next to him, and slowly moved her hand over to his pants... then she shrieked and jumped back. Casey got startled from the shriek and wet his swimming trunks (which were already wet, so nobody noticed...). Eric looked over at Kia.

"What is it?" he asked. "What’s wrong?"

Kia looked over at everyone else and paused for dramatic effect. "His libido is gone!"

Everyone gasped for a fourth time.

"Who left the door open?!?" Rob shouted.

Everyone gasped for a fifth time.

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman..."

Everyone gasped for a sixth time.

"That’s one small step for man... one giant leap for mankind."

Everyone gasped for a seventh time before he keeled over from too much oxygen intake. Flip knelt down next to him.

"Everyone! Everyone, speak up!" Flip slapped his face a bit, but stopped when Someone appeared.

"Sorry I left ‘im here, folks. You all just get on back to your story." Someone picked up Everyone and trudged back to his car.

"How can his libido be gone?" SPOOEF asked Kia, getting back to the plot (plot?) of the story.

"I don’t know," Kia said. "But I know."

"How do you know?"

"Because it’s the easiest way of getting on to the really funny part of the story, that’s how."

"What’s the really funny part of the story?"

"We have to go find his libido!"

Chris took a swig of Pepsi...

Strangely enough, everyone was dressed in camoflauge. Strangely enough, everyone brandished high-powered submachine guns. And, strangely enough, everyone was in the middle of the Iraqi desert.

Who’s everyone? Well, not the guy that got carried off with Someone. SPOOFE, Kia, Katharine, Casey, Eric, and Flip, all ready for an infiltration into Saddam Hussein’s summer home.

"Move forward, Pagancat," SPOOFE said to Kia. "Shortcake, take up a flanking position. Adams Apple, lay down a suppressive fire for any combatants we run across. Levelhead, you and Hornweasel back me up as I ride point."

"Yes sir, Major Asshole, sir," Kia said.

"Code names only, Pagancat! Unless you forgot, I’m Batm— I mean, Overlord."

Kia sighed. "Right, Overlard, how’s this for a plan? Why don’t we just sneak up and climb into that open window, there?"

"Umm... okay. That’s a good plan... I’m glad I thought of it. Move out!"

The bunch of them sprinted across the kilometer of open desert uneventfully (except Flip got attacked by a were-squirrel, but that’s another story). SPOOFE cautiously peaked into the window.

"This must be the trophy room," SPOOFE announced.

"How do you know?" Katharine asked.

"Because it’s empty. Let’s go."

SPOOFE climbed into the window, then dropped to the floor, scanning the whole area with his MP-10. He then sprinted over to a large, heavy table and took cover behind it. He then waved the others in. Kia dropped in and ran, stealthy as a feline, behind an empty trophy case. Flip heaved himself over the windowsill, then caught his shoe and fell to the floor. He jumped up again and bounded over to the table. Katharine was next, assisted by Casey, who followed right after her. Eric leaped in immediately afterwards, dropped to his knees, then took up position alongside the door. Casey and Katharine stood right in front of the door, their firearms leveled and ready to take out anyone that might enter. Eric knelt down next to the lock, spent a few seconds picking it, then swung it open and jumped aside. Casey and Kat moved forward, scanned the hallway outside the trophy room, and waved an all clear signal.

SPOOFE moved foreward, then was joined by Eric as they took cover in the hallway. Flip and Kia followed after them, taking up a position farther down the hallway, at a T-junction. Casey and Katharine them took up a position on the other end of the hallway.

"Overlord," Kia said, "my feline senses detect that there’s a large group of people in the chamber down there." She gestured to the doorway at the end of the hallway, where Casey and Kat had taken up position.

SPOOFE nodded and came down to the farther end. He gestured to Eric to open the door. SPOOFE readied a few flash grenades.

Eric picked the lock and kicked the door open, then jumped aside as SPOOFE rushed forward and tossed in the grenades. They went off with a loud bang, disorienting the men inside. SPOOFE knelt down on one side of the door, as Eric jumped to the other side of the door, and Casey and Kat stood in the doorway. All four began firing at targets.

The soldiers inside began dropping like flies. The hollow-tipped bullets created large bullet wounds, causing huge clouds of blood mist to fill the room.

Of course, all the bad dudes died. The silenced MP-10's created practically no sound. SPOOFE moved in towards the bodies slowly, holding his gun at the ready position. He glanced down at the recently-deceased men.

"Ah, smoking pot," SPOOFE announced to his team. He kicked at a bong with his foot. "Let’s go."

He rejoined Kia and Flip at the T-junction. "So, where’s Saddam?" he asked.

"Probably down there," Kia answered.

"Okay," SPOOFE said. "You guys stay here." He paused for dramatic effect. "I’ll handle this."

"What are you going to do, Overlord?" Flip asked.

SPOOFE made a grim face and pulled out his lightsaber. "I’m going to get Chris’s libido back."

He strode down the hallway with epic music playing loudly. He pushed the door open, walked in calmly, and shut it behind him.

Inside was a large, dark, misty chamber, with pipes going everywhere. "Saddam’s steam bath," SPOOFE muttered under his breath. He walked to the middle of the room.

"Okay, Saddam, I know you’re in here!" he shouted.

He heard a noise behind him; the sound of a lightsaber being activated.

"Your powers are weak, old man," Saddam said. "You should not have come."

"I’m 37," SPOOFE said.

"What?"

"Oh, forget it. I see your shwartz... nevermind."

"I did get James Earl Jones to do the voice-over for me," Saddam said. "That’s how I know I’m going to win."

SPOOFE put his lightsaber in the en garde position. "Where’s Chris Benton’s libido?!?!?" he shouted.

Saddam just laughed. "That’s for me to know, and you to... uh... not know!" He lunged forward. SPOOFE easily parried the attack, then retaliated with a low cut to Saddam’s knees. Saddam jumped back, then leapt forward with a high chop. SPOOFE sidestepped it, then kicked Saddam in the gut. Saddam went down; SPOOFE stabbed at him, but Saddam rolled away, then jumped up again.

"Obi-wan has taught you well," Saddam said.

"Obi-wan?" Someone said. "We’re looking for him!"

Someone and Everyone walked into the room, dressed in janitorial clothes. "He’s supposed to join us and Anyone for a round of golf. You seen him?"

"Yeah, I think he went down to AM-PM to pick up some beers," Saddam said.

"Cool, thanks," Someone said, and he and Everyone left.

"Now, where were we?" Saddam asked.

"You were one the ropes and about to surrender," SPOOFE said.

"Oh, yeah.... hey, wait a minute!" Saddam said. "That’s not true!" He lunged at SPOOFE again, who parried the blow. Lunge, parry, thrust, parry, jump, dodge, chop, hack, miss, swoosh, lemon cookie, dodge, swing, lunge, freshly squeezed... So it went, the Epic Duel becoming more and more fierce.

"You are doing well!" Saddam said. "You have control of your fear."

"You’ll find I’m full of surprises," SPOOFE said. He knocked Saddam’s lightsaber out of the way, then jumped up and kicked him in the crotch. Saddam keeled over in pain; SPOOFE took the opportunity to stab him through the chest. Saddam collapsed.

"It’s over," SPOOFE said, breathing heavily. He kicked Saddam’s body; there was a hiss of hydraulics, and SPOOFE jumped back. Saddam’s ear opened, and two white lab mice crawled out.

"Gee, Brain, that didn’t work too well, did it?" Pinky asked.

"Hush, Pinky. We must go back to the lab and plan for tomorrow night."

"Why? What are we doing tomorrow night?"

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky... hold a huge sex orgy!"

"Fun fun silly-willy, Brain! Narf!"

SPOOFE watched the two walk off, but said, "Hey, wait a minute!" He held his lightsaber blade right at Brain’s face. "Where’s Chris Benton’s libido?!?"

Brain gave him a funny look. "Who’s Chris Benton?"

"Why are you asking Brain for libido?" Pinky asked. "He’s got none."

"Shut up, Pinky!" Brain shouted, hitting Pinky on the head. "I told you... I’m a pimp-daddy, remember?!?"

"Oh, right... Sorry, Brain. Poit..."

Brain turned back to SPOOFE. "As for you... I don’t have this... Chris Benton’s... libido." He turned back to Pinky. "Let’s go, Pinky."

SPOOFE sighed and shut off the lightsaber. "Fine..." He walked back to the hallway, where the rest of his team was playing jacks.

"Let’s go, team... this was just a dead end."

They left just as stealthily as they arrived...

On to Chapter 2...