I kept putting off writing my thoughts about this because, like I mentioned above, I feel that it’s me just being paranoid. Of course, it could be saying that because it’s easy to blame paranoia for something that I wish and hope wasn’t true. But, for the sake of this writing, I will briefly assume that many of my friendships only exist when it’s convenient for the other person. Another reason that I kept putting off this writing is because it’d probably seem that I’m trying to garner pity from others. I don’t want pity. I hate pity. I’ve had bad experiences with the subject. The purpose of this writing is simply to express some thoughts that have been dancing in my head for a long, long time.

Well, now that I have that disclaimer out of the way... I can continue. What do I mean by "Friend of Convenience"? Well, it’s probably obvious, but just so nobody’s mistaken about what I mean... a Friend of Convenience is somebody that you talk to, joke with, hang around with, think about, etc. (You know, Friend-Stuff) only when it’d take little to no effort on your part to do so. Now, I know for sure that some of my buds don’t feel that way (there’s only a small handful, though, unfortunately). Others... well, they’d say that they’re truly my friend, and I really wish I could believe them... but I lack the naïveté. I don’t want to seem like I’m attacking anyone, even though I’m not naming names (and I won’t, either), but I firmly stand by the age-old and time-tested credo, "Actions speak louder than words". As much as I loathe sounding so self-pitying, some of the people that I care about the most don’t ever seem to return the feeling.

I think the event that really made me start seriously considering the possibility that some people may be (unintentionally, I’m sure of that, at least) dishonest in their extolling of their thoughts and feelings dates back to last April (April 1999, for future generations). The relationship between me and a friend was very, very strained, to the point that we weren’t talking at all. It went on for a while and really got to me. Anyway, one day this particular person walked up to me and started talking to me. I briefly wondered why this friend would break this long silence (and even posed the question, but got no response), but I was so giddily overjoyed that this friend decided to re-open the lines of communication again that I didn’t care very much. It wasn’t until several weeks later that I realized why she had come to me again... she wanted information. About a guy. That she had fallen for. From every angle that I’ve been able to examine this event (and I pride myself on my objectivity), I’ve always come to the conclusion that... basically, painfully, and frankly... she tried to use me in an attempt to get him.

I know that’s incredibly harsh. And I know that if whoever that particular person is ever read that, she’d probably be insulted, offended, or hurt. Another reason why I delayed so long in this writing (it’ll have been a year since then two days from now). And, no, that’s not the only example... several times she seemed to be quite... well... rude... in her pursuance of the target of her affections. Now, I’m not pointing fingers or anything... people do strange things when they’re in love, right? I’ve been an ass myself while my emotions were churning and bubbling like vinegar mixed with baking soda. But, like I said, that’s not the only example.

I can recall numerous times when someone would be talking about going out and having fun with a bunch of other people... numerous times when they’d casually mention "You know, I should’ve asked you to come along, but I didn’t think of it at the time." Little things like that, you know? Things that a person normally shrug off as if it’s nothing when it happens once or twice. But my mind likes to gather up things like that, store them in a special file, and unleash them through my poor brain whenever I’m feeling blue.

Whenever a friend feels down, I always try to offer what assistance I can, whether it by advice, a kind word, or an open ear... or, when times call for it, a shmack upside the head (sometimes, it’s exactly what a person needs). But I’ve been finding it increasingly more difficult over the past six or seven months to really open up to someone, mostly because it’s been hard for me to judge when a person is sincere or not. But, to be fair, it’s also in part because I do 90% of my communication over the Internet, and I prefer important conversations be one-on-one... or at least over the phone (which I never use, anyway).

It’s a situation that I really can’t do anything about. I really can’t even confirm my negative feelings. Quite the Catch-22 I’ve found myself in, eh? I have suspicions, I have experience to back up my suspicions, but I can’t ever completely confirm my suspicions (I’d have to ask each of my friends to thoroughly examine every iota of their existence which was a connection to me, which is impractical and rude) and neither can I ever put an end to this kind of treatment (if it even exists outside my head). "Hey, can I ask you a favor and think about me every now and then? Thanks, I appreciate it!" Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

The only real benefit of my fear about this subject is that it’s made me insanely determined to not treat anyone like that myself. I’m sure that there are some people that I overlook on occasion... the Laws of Averages (damn them!) demand as such... but, in every twenty-four hour (roughly) period, it’s like I make a mental list of everybody I know marginally well. That sounds horribly clinical, but I don’t mean I sit back and start thinking, "Uncle Frank, Cousin Louie, Bob, Joe, Walter, Bill, Jim, Ed, Bernie, Steve..." I’d be sitting there, at the computer or pretending to watch TV or reading or whatever, and a memory or an experience with someone would come to me. I’d kind of tune out the real world and entertain this fantastical memory for a moment or two... or sometimes a few minutes... or even a few hours.